for unto us a child was born

borderline personality disorder (BPD) is complex and  I can only imagine what my daughter who has been recently diagnosed is feeling because I'm feeling pretty lost
and confused
and scared
and guilty
and angry
and sad

I've been reading a lot of books about BPD
how it's often misdiagnosed

when your child is a toddler you think - oh it's a phase -
the terrible twos......
......the awkward tweens........
.................................the rebellious teens....................................................................................

and then one day you look at her and see that she's the same age you were when you got married
and it's not a phase
she didn't out grow the rages, the black and white thinking, the anger

did I do something wrong?
why didn't I get her help sooner?
when I did get her help why didn't they help her?
so many labels have been tossed her way
ADHD
Sensory Integration
Bi-polar
Depression
- only none of them quite fit her and the prescribed/recommended treatments didn't help

the best way I can describe my daughter is  like this

"there was a little girl
who had a little curl
right in the middle of her forehead
when she was good
when was very, very good
but when she was bad she was horrid"

I have had years of unsolicited advice from well intentioned family and friends

"she's just looking for attention"
"she's acting out"
"she's a brat"
followed with "you need to......"

 she isn't a bad person- she has a heart as big as the universe and would give her last penny away to someone in need
she takes on other peoples problems because she wants to help them and ends up getting hurt
she's beautiful
and kind hearted
and loving
and so full of life and feelings
she just feels things differently than everyone else and more intensely

one other thing I am feeling is
HOPE
 this  is not a death sentence
in fact there are many testimonials from people who have been in the emotional roller coaster  hell that is BPD
and with the help of therapy, medication and the love and support of family and friends she can live a fairly even life
it hurts to have to watch her go through what I can only describe as emotional growing pains
there are setbacks-
 she'll stop her meds for whatever reason
or self medicate
or start self destructive behaviors
- like it's a test to see if I still love her- I STILL LOVE HER
There are days when I want to curl in a ball and cry - like I said before I can only imagine how she must be feeling- days when I ask god to give her pain to me because I'm her mom and I can do this because I don't want her to hurt anymore.
I'm strong- take me instead.

the dark side

most people I know who live with mental illness describes it in a way that makes sense to them
my depression is a pit- a large black hole
for a long time it's been so far over there it's barely visible
lately it's been trying to seduce me into coming closer
reminding me how comfortable the dark side is-
 how enveloping-
 how safe-
crawl in here with me.....
 it says with it's soft and sexy voice
like a lover
making promises
.
.
.
.
.
...depression lies

colored bright and sprinkled with glitter

the opposite of depressed is manic
i have been in a manic phase the past few weeks- it doesn't happen often
in fact I can't remember the last time i was manic

i have been painting, knitting, sewing, collaging and creating
i can't turn my brain off
so many ideas are floating in my head

sketched onto papers
roughed out on canvas

pieces of that idea over there
parts of this one over here

the stuff leaning against the wall is important
take that home to have james cut it down

where did I put the______
glue
scissors
pencils
markers
tape
ribbon
brushes
....all of the above

poor james
he has never witnessed this part of my depression
i can't sleep and when i do it's restless and keeps him awake

but i don't want to DO anything to change this manic episode- i am creating such wonderful pieces
right now my world is filled with colors and shapes and textures

and  if i try to fix it and level out again
the creative ideas will stop
and i will just trudge through my gray life again

carry on

it's not the overcast sky
it's not the snow
it's not the cold
i don't know what it is but I can't seem to shake this feeling
this deep deep sadness that colors everything i do in shades of gray
i'm moving in slow motion -standing outside my self looking in
disconnected
so very, very tired
deadlines , people counting on me to deliver
needing me- always needing me
what do i need?
i don't know


this is depression talking
i know the seductive sound of its voice
i know the comfort of its darkness
i know i have to stop this feeling


i know
carry on
keep going
i know

change of habit

i joined a 30 day challenge that my daughter put together for the new year. she is part of Isagenix .
i have used their products before and the results are great and they are lasting results. but i can't seem to make it a habit
i thought being accountable to someone else would help me with my goals- i'm not in it for the money or the prizes i am in it for the habit

yep- i am a creature of habit- as humans we all are and anyone who has developed a habit knows how hard it is to break

for years i bit my nails and yet i would buy nail polish and try and make them look pretty because i think painted nails are kinda sexy and they make me feel good. i conquered that habit - not over night - but in time(years). now i have nails i am proud of and i get them done once a month and it makes me feel GOOD about myself.

feeling good about myself-

lately the voices in my head have been very negative and
VERY LOUD
so loud i can't hear anything else

 your art sucks

you're worthless

you don't do enough

you're fat

and ugly

and unlovable

and

SHUT UP!

i am taking baby steps on changing some habits - no more McDonald's drive thru before work monday - friday - if i feel like it on saturday it's ok
keeping a project threaded on the loom at all times - so far that habit has produced three beautiful scarves
replacing my afternoon cookie craving with some hot cinnamon/honey tea
wearing lipstick because you just can't feel ugly with a little lipstick on

be the change i wish to see

my skin is too tight

and my head feels like exploding

and my room is too small

and my ankles don't like my feet
and my hair hurts
and my fingers refuse to listen to me

and my big toe itches

and nothing fits

and

i

am

crabby


and some days are just like that!

one day at a time

last night i was on top of the world with all these ideas and goals and today i don't want to be here and i don't want to do anything. is it the heat or is it depression creeping up on me? it's too hot to be depressed......

baby steps

break it down into manageable goals

yeah i know

i am leaving in twelve days for a vacation. driving to see my daughter and i'll be gone for 10 days. i should be excited - i am excited a little- i just can't get up the energy to get all the little things that need to get done before i go....one day at a time

that's what i tell kelsey all the time. easy advice to give harder to take for yourself.

so today? i will follow my food program and i will do 30 minutes of exercise when i get home from work

beyond that i don't know

so...like....yeah....................

may 4th was the last time i posted. that's because since then i have not had anytime to myself and it's beginning to show. i pretty much haven't been home on a weekend since then. it's been pretty stressful to say the least.

not all stress is bad stress you know. some of it is good stress - like everything that has been happening has been good stuff. but after awhile stress is stress- good or bad- and it starts to pile up and wear you down.

so even though right now my life is totally awesome my depression is creeping in and grabbing me by the ankles.

good stress-

daughter graduating from college and moving home

son graduating from high school

acting in a play in a town 30 miles away over 3 consecutive weekends

directing a play here in town with a cast of 40 middle schoolers

teaching classes from 9:30 am - 4:00 monday - friday

purchasing a business

moving said business into your business

remodeling the studio to fit above business

finishing a 4 piece commission

sending youngest daughter to Ecuador for 3 weeks

(where there is spotty Internet and cell reception)

getting son ready to leave for college

(getting emotionally ready to send son to college)

oldest daughter turned 25







        yeah....

 stress.....

since may 4th my eczema has been out of control

i can't sleep

my appetite sucks

when i do eat it's junk

i am snapping at the people i love

i am crying- a lot

i am so tired i want to sleep for a hundred years but would settle for 20

august 3rd i am locking the door to the studio and driving out to new york to see my oldest daughter. i am looking forward to the down time. i am also worried about being closed for two weeks. but then i also realize that if i don't do something soon i'm going to break.

it's a dark day

even though the sun is shining and it is a perfect spring day.

dark days can happen at any time and strike.

on my deep dark days all i want to do is hide someplace. and cry.

what i wouldn't give to just cry, and cry and cry....

last week I saw the pelicans flying overhead (or scelipans as Carolyne would call them)

next weekend is Mother's Day

it's time to open up the cabin for summer

and i have a lot on my mind.

i really miss you mom. really, really

it's raining and i don't have an umbrella

some days i walk around with my own personal cloud hanging over my head and it's only raining on me.

and i don't want to do anything except stay in bed with the quilt up over my head

i can see a little patch of blue sky through the window and i can watch it for hours and hours

but it never gets closer to me

the sun is shining outside

but inside it's raining

and I don't have an umbrella

Happiness is......

"I think I'm afraid to be happy, because whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens."--Charlie Brown

roots and wings

There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings.  Hodding Carter

kelsey and i talked about this quote while she was in the hospital. as a mom i focused on giving my children a strong sense of family and home. home is where you can be yourself and know that you are loved no matter what. i have also given my children wings to fly - to look at life and say why not? to try new and different things and if they don't work and things get kind of weird you can always go back to your roots and re-group.

that doesn't mean you give up or quit trying -it just means you get to recharge your batteries. kelsey is fortunate she has a place to go home to where she can recharge. my parents died young. i can't go back to my roots and re-group or ask for advice or anything like that. it sucks.

i have people to talk to - but not like my parents. and i get well intentioned words from very good friends that i can always talk to them but they just answer in different ways. yeah i know that. BUT- it's not the same and some days there is no comfort in that AT.ALL. so instead of having roots i drift.

if mom were here right now i'd ask her how to help kelsey and her sibs process the past few weeks. how to get kelsey back on track. how to get josh to see beyond his insecurities about college and just try out for the speech/debate team. right now these two kids have their wings clipped because they are afraid to fly. biz - my not very brave but wonderfully charming biz is bound and determined to go to Ecuador as a volunteer for three weeks this summer. BY. HER. SELF. she won't know any of the other volunteers. this is huge for her. really huge. and carolyne is out there in the real world making her own decisions with out parental support for the first time. like buying a car and getting a loan all on her own. scary but -she is doing well.

baby birds don't fly unless you push them out of the nest. some just need a firmer nudge than others.

 outside the lines

i'd catch a grenade for you

a year and a half after i got out of the hospital i was able to wean myself off anti-depressant medication
we thought maybe this was a one time episode and things were pretty good for a few years.....
then my dad dies-and the darkness creeps in a little bit...slowly...gradually

that's how it happens- things get a little overcast and cloudy- and you get used to it

you get so used to it that you don't remember what you were like before

suicide - now there is a pretty scary word with lots of bad mojo - kelsey says they are called passive thoughts. i have had these thoughts for years. wishing  i would just disappear and all memory of me wiped from everyone who ever met me - or wishing that i would go to sleep one night and never wake up - or driving down the highway and just crossing the center line in front of a semi...that one scared me most of all because i could SEE myself doing it.

but i didn't do it.

why?

Carolyne, Kelsey, Elizabeth and Joshua.

my children.

 my anchors.

i could not abandon them even when all i wanted to do was run far, far away.

watching kelsey struggle and work through her depressive episode i am watching her and wishing i could do it for her. take the pain for her so she could go back to that lively, engaging, sweet child i see glimpses of every now and again and i know how difficult it's going to get for her outside the lines

coming out

those of you who are close to me know what has been happening in my life the past few months. my daughter has fallen into the depression pit deeper than i have ever been. her pain was so intense she tried to end her life. thankfully it failed. how can i expect her to hold her head up high and keep going on with her life if i don't come clean about my own.

kelsey's suicide attempt placed her in a mental health ward in the hospital for a week. she is only 21.

i was 23 when i spent a week in a mental health ward in a hospital.

being on a psych ward is an oxymoron- truly- it is scary and safe at the same time-after all, you are the only sane person among people with PROBLEMS and you don't have any problems- well none that you are going to share with anyone and you really don't belong there......but really you do belong there and you do have problems

the doors are locked

you have no privacy

everything you say and do is being observed at all times

paranoia to some degree sets in

you are told when to wake up when to eat when to go to group when to take drugs when to sleep

it sucks. A LOT. and yet it is safe because you don't have to make any decisions and you don't have to think except when you are in talk therapy and you have to confront the demons that landed you there in the first place

but at the end of it i came out with a better understanding of what was going on inside me. i was given tools to use to help keep me from falling so deep into depression that i ended up on a psych ward again. i vowed it would never get that bad as i walked out the doors and they locked behind me.

outside the lines

My heart is a house

Miss Kesley- My heart is a house and you are home :)

and if there is room in my heart then there is room in my home- don't ever forget that

The lyrics of this Christina Perri song makes me think of Kelsey and all we have been though together the past 21 years...my arms will always be open for a hug and believe me when I say I will hold on for as long as you need me to. Love you, Mom

Arms

I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart

But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start

You put your arms around me

And I believe that it’s easier for you to let me go

You put your arms around me and I’m home

How many times will let you me change my mind and turn around

I can’t decide if I’ll let you save my life or if I’ll drown

I hope that you see right through my walls

I hope that you catch me, ’cause I’m already falling

I’ll never let a love get so close

You put your arms around me and I’m home

The world is coming down on me and I can’t find a reason to be loved

I never wanna leave you but I can’t make you bleed if I’m alone

You put your arms around me

And I believe that it’s easier for you to let me go

I hope that you see right through my walls

I hope that you catch me, ’cause I’m already falling

I’ll never let a love get so close

You put your arms around me and I’m home

I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth

And I’ve never opened up

I’ve never truly loved ‘Till you put your arms around me
And I believe that it’s easier for you to let me go

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, ’cause I’m already falling
I’ll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I’m home
You put your arms around me and I’m home

Christina Perri – Arms lyrics

there's a hole in the bottom of my cup

it's too tiny to see but every time i take a drink there are a couple of drops of iced tea on my desk
i keep wiping them away

but they keep coming back

sort of like depression

you can't see it

but it's there and i keep trying to wipe it away

but it keeps coming back
little drops of me getting wiped away
until what?
until there's nothing left?
i poured my iced tea into a different cup
problem solved

why isn't there isn't an easy fix for what's inside of me?

be the change you wish to see

about a week ago i wrote about change and how it happens and how hard it is. i was referring to internal change- a behavior or an attitude or outlook.

today it's about change again.



Susan is in the stripes on the right and
 I am in the back on the left without glasses

 my life is about to change as i know it. May 1st my oldest sister-Susan- is moving into my household.
she brings with her a suitcase full of medications
a cane
a walker
an oxygen machine
and her little dog Chloe

Susan is only 54 but has a lot of health problems- mental and physical health problems and she can't live alone anymore. we had a trial run this past week. you see she wanted to get her affairs in order while she was feeling pretty good. so she stopped at my brother's office and got him working on her will and power of medical attorney. then she picked out the funeral home she wanted and made an appointment to discuss her funeral arrangements and get things paid for....

and so many people tell me what a saint i am for doing this what a good person and how kind and....
and i am not- i am her sister and she has no place else to go.  we're family. mom used to say whenever we had to do something we really didn't want to do or made us uncomfortable that someday we'd get our reward in heaven....
i'm not looking for a reward in heaven. i'm not looking for sainthood. i'm just doing what's right. no one should have to die alone.
i was born and raised a catholic. i don't go to church anymore and practice catholicism anymore. but i do have faith. strong faith in something bigger and better than me.


this situation with my sister made me think about current events in the world
 
disasters strike, people loose their homes, their loved ones even their own lives. kids are left orphaned and people are left hopeless, helpless and depressed.
this is just my own personal opinion but i feel that many people find it easier to help a perfect stranger than someone in their own family. how many times have you said let me know if i can do anything while secretly hoping that person never will.
text a $10 donation to the red cross and never have to interact with another human.
if the sermon  moves you enough throw a couple of bucks into the extra collection for the poor....and so on and so forth
when it comes right down to it how many people are actually willing to DO something?

i texted my $10 dollar donation to the red cross for Japan.
i threw a couple of dollars into the collection plate and left.
i can't take the next flight to Hati and help rebuild and i can't do anything more for Japan but i can do somehting right here in my own house. taking my sister in won't put an end to hunger nor will it be the impetus for world peace. what it will do is make a difference in the life of one woman- my sister- and in doing that maybe it will make a difference in the lives of her two daughters and maybe in turn it will make a difference in the lives of their four sons....and so on and so forth...and maybe i can be the change i wish to see in the world...

invisiblity

Elizabeth Wurtzel
From Book Prozac Nation

chaos, tension and a little fruitcake

that would describe my family. the one i was born into- the one with 9 siblings. individually i can handle each one pretty well and it can be a pleasant encounter. i can even take on certain sibs in pairs and it's good and entertaining. once you get more than three of us in a room tension builds. to be honest everyone has a certain amount of crazy in them. some just have more than others. don't get me wrong i love each and every one of my 7 remaining siblings. ( and no i did not kill two of them and if i had it would not be the two that have died) i know there are some great case studies out there about family dynamics and most major magazines have at least one article dedicated to holiday stress and family and coping.

the one thing that never gets addressed is tolerance and manners. so here is my christmas gift to the universe. feel free to spread the message and maybe we can have a less crazy christmas.

1. do the dishes. when tensions are running high the best thing in the world is hot soapy dish water and it buys you some alone time.
2. keep your mouth shut! if you can't say anything nice- don't say anything at all - even if you KNOW you are right and they are WRONG. this is not the time to settle and win arguments.
3. behave. forget santa- your children are watching EVERYTHING and children learn by example. do you want them to turn out just like your least favorite relative?
4. give me a hug/kiss should not be spoken. read universal body language- arms wide open mean yes you may hug/kiss me. if not your demands just piss people off.
5. keep your opinion to yourself. or at least hold it until you are back in your own environment away from the family and then by all means express yourself.
6. you can handle anything for a short amount of time. as long as you remember you can escape because you do have two legs. no one said you had to be the last one to leave. 5 hours is more than enough time to visit  before dinner, eat, help clean, and then say goodbye.
7. embrace the uniqueness. this one is not as easy as it sounds but honestly when you are talking about your family to friends and you are looking back on things with those time and distance rose colored glasses you know that you are proud to say that each member of your family is unique and you might even be secretly proud of that - until you walk through the door that is. everyone is different and that includes you.
8. please check all baggage at the door. remember that you are an adult now so please act like one and stop reverting to pre-adolescent behavior. if it was one of YOUR kids acting that way you'd be all over them in a second.

and finally- if the people in your family act true to form you can control at least your portion of the situation in the following ways:
 change your regular responses to aggravating family members

shrug off insults, challenges, and criticisms.

avoid past betrayals, mistakes, failures – both yours and others’.

don’t expect people to change (unless you change first).

Happy Holidays

i'm still here

can you see me?

would you even notice

if i turned and walked away?

if i just dissappeared

and left nothing- not even a memory

that you could hold

i'm screaming on the inside

holding everything in

and wishing i could

walk away

 dissappear

but i'm still here