be the change you wish to see

about a week ago i wrote about change and how it happens and how hard it is. i was referring to internal change- a behavior or an attitude or outlook.

today it's about change again.



Susan is in the stripes on the right and
 I am in the back on the left without glasses

 my life is about to change as i know it. May 1st my oldest sister-Susan- is moving into my household.
she brings with her a suitcase full of medications
a cane
a walker
an oxygen machine
and her little dog Chloe

Susan is only 54 but has a lot of health problems- mental and physical health problems and she can't live alone anymore. we had a trial run this past week. you see she wanted to get her affairs in order while she was feeling pretty good. so she stopped at my brother's office and got him working on her will and power of medical attorney. then she picked out the funeral home she wanted and made an appointment to discuss her funeral arrangements and get things paid for....

and so many people tell me what a saint i am for doing this what a good person and how kind and....
and i am not- i am her sister and she has no place else to go.  we're family. mom used to say whenever we had to do something we really didn't want to do or made us uncomfortable that someday we'd get our reward in heaven....
i'm not looking for a reward in heaven. i'm not looking for sainthood. i'm just doing what's right. no one should have to die alone.
i was born and raised a catholic. i don't go to church anymore and practice catholicism anymore. but i do have faith. strong faith in something bigger and better than me.


this situation with my sister made me think about current events in the world
 
disasters strike, people loose their homes, their loved ones even their own lives. kids are left orphaned and people are left hopeless, helpless and depressed.
this is just my own personal opinion but i feel that many people find it easier to help a perfect stranger than someone in their own family. how many times have you said let me know if i can do anything while secretly hoping that person never will.
text a $10 donation to the red cross and never have to interact with another human.
if the sermon  moves you enough throw a couple of bucks into the extra collection for the poor....and so on and so forth
when it comes right down to it how many people are actually willing to DO something?

i texted my $10 dollar donation to the red cross for Japan.
i threw a couple of dollars into the collection plate and left.
i can't take the next flight to Hati and help rebuild and i can't do anything more for Japan but i can do somehting right here in my own house. taking my sister in won't put an end to hunger nor will it be the impetus for world peace. what it will do is make a difference in the life of one woman- my sister- and in doing that maybe it will make a difference in the lives of her two daughters and maybe in turn it will make a difference in the lives of their four sons....and so on and so forth...and maybe i can be the change i wish to see in the world...

the bucket list-

have you seen this movie? The Bucket List is about two terminally ill men who escape from a cancer ward and head off on a road trip with a wish list of to-dos before they die.

i think we spend so much time being so busy NOT living in the moment that we put off too much in the someday list...

....someday I'm going to....

and then someday gets here and we have run out of time.

so what's on your bucket list? what if you made it your "in the moment list" and tried to do at least one thing on your list in the next 3-6 months?

i know what i want to do before i die-and i mean right before i die-i want to be holding the hand of the one i love beneath the Aurora Borealis ...there are so many myths about this wonderful natural phenomenon the one i like best is this one from the Algonquin Indians. They believed that Nanahbozho the Creator, after he finished creating the earth, travelled to the far north, where he still builds great fires which reflect southward, to remind those he created of his lasting love...

i can understand...

...but i can't. big news around here the past week was a woman who went missing. she was found today and had apparently committed suicide. i know i have talked about depression and maybe even come across as a bit whiny at times.  i can't begin to know what her triggers were or even the thought process that went through her mind as she took her own life and left behind two teen aged daughters, a boyfriend and close family.. but...to be honest i can put myself in her shoes because i have had thoughts of ending it before.

i am not a stranger to death. i have known death first hand and personally since i was 7 years old. my youngest sister died- that was the first funeral i attended. i observed my parents pain and sadness at the loss of their one month old child- my sister. by the time i was 29 years old i had attended 4 more funerals- my older brother, my grandfather, my grandmother and my father. by the time i was 40 the total had grown to 9- my husband's aunt who was like a second grandmother to my children, my mother in law, father in law and my own mother.  these people were all very close to me.

so it really doesn't matter- suicide, natural causes, accident or terminal illness. death is hardest on those left behind. and even when you're prepared for it you really aren't. and even though you had time to say goodbye you still feel lost and abandoned at times. the death of someone is not something you get over- you get through it. you can go for days, weeks, months at a time and be just fine and then something will happen- it might be a song you hear or a smell or the shade of blue the sky happens to be that day. you'll remember and think about the person who died and all that grief comes pouring out of you again. time heals the physical wounds and the scars will fade. the scars on your heart never completely heal because love never stops. love is the reason i'm still here. i love the people i would be leaving behind too much to cause them so much pain- their pain would be far greater than my pain -real or imagined.