the blessings list

back in september i wrote about the bucket list - you know that list of things you want to do before you kick the bucket. i am 49 years old- it has been bothering me that i will be 50 in 6 months...
FIFTY-(that's a scary number)
so i thought of all the things i want to accomplish and that got me to thinking how i got to where and who i am

right now
today

so i have come up with a blessing list- i have been blessed with so much in my life that when i focus on the hamster wheel of everyday living i forget...so here's my list

• a strong supportive yet at times annoying family and parents who gave me roots and wings
• lifelong friends - you know the ones you can call at 4 am and they will talk to you
• carolyne, kelsey, elizabeth and joshua
• cookies- the person who made the first cookie should be honored with their own national holiday
• the two men who have loved me enough to marry me and put up with me- both are uniquely special 
• the one who got away

so what have i done for 50 years?
dropped out of college,ran my own business,got married,had 4 kids,got divorced,published a book,got married again....

ok...but-



but....i have walked down Drury Lane looking for the Muffin Man

stood in Westminster Abbey~the sacred space of kings, queens, statesmen, poets, priests, hero's and villains

left a tuppence on the steps of St Paul's for the birds

walked up Edinburgh Rock and looked out over the Pentland Hills



on the terrace at teresina's house



walking down the street in Belsito, Italy



i ate tarallis as I walked the streets of Belsito, Italy- the birthplace of my family - and shared an afternoon meal with my cousin Teresina Porco and her family

i have stood among hundreds of butterflies and felt them landing like a wish upon my person....been moved to tears by the beauty of carolyne's voice as she sang...laughed in a sudden summer rain shower and celebrated it...used up all the pink sidewalk chalk with my granddaughter...experienced sunsets, moon rises, ocean views, and lazy lake days.... it's all good.



believe

according to the dictionary believe means-to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so....

there are a lot of 'should believes' in my live. these came from parents and teachers and religious personnel.and over the past 30 years i have examined quite a few of those. i kept the ones that really resonated with my soul and discarded the ones that didn't.

i don't go to a church anymore. not because i do not believe in god but because i do not believe in the institution of god. god is more than a building and the bible and preachers. we were each created in the image and likeness of god so god must be a 49 year old woman. i am god and god is me. and i respect that and celebrate that everyday.

every year in my art classes someone will bring up Santa Claus. and the big question is do you believe. YES! i say. some of them look at me with a smirk that suggests i am an adult humoring a child. not so.

i DO believe in Santa. i believe in the essence of what he stands for. giving, kindness and generosity...why wouldn't i believe in that?

here are a few more things i believe in....you may or may not agree with me and that is OK~

i believe that there are no coincidences in this world. every person, all the events of my life, are there because i have drawn them there and it's up to me what to do with them.

i also believe that there is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. we seek problems because we need their gifts. which correlates to the earlier statement about coincidences. everyday i wake up in the morning is a gift.


i believe that the opposite of loneliness is intimacy- imagine not having a close personal relationship with another person. i'm not talking sex here. i am talking emotional intimacy.

i believe that reality is based on perspective and being respectful of another's perspective is a key element to peace.  (tolerance....)

i believe that love really is the answer. we have just forgotten what the question was.

what do you believe in? i mean really believe all the way down to your toes believe.

i still believe in love

my last post may have seemed a little dark to some of you. i did not mean it to be at all. i am sure you could read it and think that i have a cynical view of love.

not true.

love is the most simple and complex human emotion there is.love has been the subject and inspiration for poets, artists and musicians for centuries. what is love? it is one of the strongest emotions a person can feel. and also the most difficult thing to define.

i have loved and i do love. my heart has been broken and i have broken hearts. and yet no matter what i believe in love.

I still Believe in Love
(Marvin Hamlisch/Carole Bayer Sager)
After all the tears I've cried

You'd think I would give up on love
Get off this line
But maybe I might get it right this time

I was there as passion turned to pain
Sunshine turned to rainy days
Yet here I am
Ready to begin once again

All my life I've been a dreamer
Dreamin' dreams that always broke in two
But I still believe in love
And I love believing
Maybe you can make my dreams come true

Here content with who I am
I'm reachin' out my hand to him
Once again
At least I know I've made myself a friend

All my life I've been a dreamer
Dreamin' dreams that never quite came true
But I still believe in love
And I love believing
I'll keep on dreaming
Because I still believe in love
I still believe in love
And me
And you
I still believe in love

"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love." - Sophocles


 

The courage to be is the courage to accept oneself, in spite of being unacceptable. ~Paul Tillich

be-lieve (verb) to hold an opinion : THINK  

Amazing how words can mess with you. How you hear something once and you believe it for the rest of your life.  For years I believed I was less than I am. Why? Because someone once told me I'd never be as smart as one of my sisters. I believed I was doomed to be alone all my life because I was told many times that I was a good friend but not girlfriend material. ( Still wonder what that means) One guy even told me he'd date me if I had the girl down the street's face on my body. I even had a teacher once tell me that I wrote like a boy!

I was told I was too:                                        

loud

opinionated

obnoxious

stupid

short

sarcastic

mouthy

plain

fat

independant
ugly

impatient

italian

boisterous

cautious

messy (no I am sure Sr Regina used the word umkempt)

So I made many descisions based on these words I believed I was- like they were all bad or something. Not once in all those years did I ever say I was an artist. I would say someday I will be an artist but never that I was right in the moment.

If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced. ~Vincent Van Gogh

So I have silenced the sound track that used to play in my head by being just me. I paint, I draw, I act, I sing and I create. I make messes and voice my opinion, I laugh too loud and I cry sometimes just because.

 

 

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not. ~Author Unknown