Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I don't think me engines can take much more of it Captain!

I wish it was as simple as telling Scotty to "Eject the Core!" and then things would be alright. My husband has been in Seattle since Thursday and will be until Saturday. So I've been pretty much alone. Now don't get me wrong. I really do like my alone time. In fact I can be quite the homebody. But throw in this depressing weather, the snow and depression and it isn't a good combination. I know I should excercise but I can't get myself motivated to actually do it. I've thought about a personal trainer. Someone who could push me to just do it! What do you do to make yourself get up and move? I am open to suggestions.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Oh Mr Sun, Sun, Mr Golden Sun......

....please shine down on me!

Have you ever heard of SAD? Seasonal Affected Disorder- is also known as the winter blues. Some people experience a serious mood change when the seasons change. Add SAD to Clinical Depression and you have- ME! YAY! No seriously, late fall and winter are tough times for me. Really tough. It's a struggle to get out of bed most mornings. This winter has been really hard. We've had a severe winter with lots of snow, ice, rain and many consecutive days with no sunshine.
I have a couple of things I do to help me get through the winter besides just taking my meds. I switched the light at my work table to a full spectrum task light. While I am working on jewelry I am getting 5,000 lux of light and since my eyes are open while working- I find it hard to string beads with my eyes shut : ) - the light can reach all the way to the retinas at the back of my eyes. There are no damaging UV rays. When my SAD gets really bad I lay in a tanning a bed a couple of days a week. It's amazing the difference in my mood and energy level. My family can tell when I start light therapy. I am a much nicer person to be around. So I am off to the tanning bed because it is SNOWING again today and I just can't stand it anymore.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Depression hurts....

...and for that you can take- whatever the drug du-jour is. I hate those commercials. Yes depression hurts. In my case it manifests in physical pain in my joints, lower back and head.  Add that to the depression and it hurts. The best way I can think of to describe depression for me is this: it's like having a Dementor following me around ...sucking the happiness out of me and leaving only the worst memories and huge holes in my heart so I can't hold any happines inside of it.

People who aren't depressed don't understand. I try to explain but they still don't get it. I don't want to be this way but I am. On my good days I fight it with everything I have but some times the bad days outweigh the good ones. My SO once said to me why can't you be happy like me? I wish it were that easy. I wish I had a magic wand I could wave to make it go away. I take medication everyday for this depression. I hate the meds. I hate that the meds take away my ability to cry and to really feel. The meds numb my feelings. I know you are thinking that's good though right? That helps you cope but there are times when I really need to cry....

I have been fighting depression really hard lately. My meds aren't enough. Of course it doesn't help that this has been the winter from hell with tons of snow and freezing rain and no sun for 30+ days straight. My depression is much worse in the winter than any other time of the year but it never really goes away.

Monday, February 1, 2010

On the outside looking in

Have you ever felt like you were on the outside looking in?  I spent my college years wondering what the "big" secret was and why didn't I know it? It felt like everyone else around me knew what "IT" was except me.

I was too afriad to ask. I didn't want people to think I was stupid.
I'm not stupid.

alone (ə lōn”) apart from other persons or things  <----- that is exactly how I felt

Maybe they felt just as lost as I did. Maybe they all thought I knew what the big secret was all about and they were afriad of asking me because they didn't want to sound stupid. Or maybe I'm just crazy.

I was 21 when my doctor told me he thought I was depressed.I had been to him all summer for various symptoms and nothing got better - oh yeah- and I stopped reading and creating. Depression was the reason for the sleepless nights, lack of energy, vauge aches and pains and loss of interest in activites that I really enjoyed. Depression. That was something you felt because something bad happened and nothing bad had happened so how could I be depressed?

I was put on some medications that had horrible side effects and started talk therapy. If I heard "you need to reduce your stress" one more time I was going to SCREAM! Reduce stress- is that like cutting back on your calories intake? No one could tell me HOW I was supposed to reduce the stress. So here I was on the outside looking in again wondering what the big secret was.