words

words have a lot of power
you can use them to create or destroy
words can give you comfort
make you think
make you cry
laugh
smile
frown

this last stay in the hospital for my daughter for her mental illness got me to thinking about words
she expressed a desire to read something each day and to reflect on it- maybe it would help keep her out of the darkness
she suggested the Bible- i don't have anything against the bible but it can be pretty thick and heavy with words and sometimes there are too many words

i went looking for some kind of book i could give her that wasn't all Hallmark card- you know?
i came up empty

maybe i should write my own book

i have been collecting quotes, words of wisdom, passages from books for years. i write them down in a notebook ( i am on my 4th notebook since i started)  now i have a board on Pinterest dedicated to them.

if you are reading this can you take a moment and write down words you use to help you get through a rough patch
words that make you think
get you back on track

here's one of my favorites:

"there is no such thing as a problem

without a gift for you in its hands.

You seek the problems 

because you need

their gifts"

Richard Bach 

 



it needs to be said

this was the status on a friend's facebook page today ...
 

Things that are hard to say but are entirely good to say:

 

 

 

pretty insightful for an 18 year old - and oh so wise

random thoughts

lately there have been all these random thoughts and snippets of ideas floating in my head
i don't know where they come from but i do know that i have to write them down somewhere or they will take over and i'll get bogged down in them so here they are- no rhyme no reason no order-just random thoughts


there's a hole in my heart
i don't know how it got there or when
and i don't know how to fix it
i keep looking for the perfect patch
but stuff keeps leaking out no matter what i do

they told me to forget about him

turn and walk away

that boy -they said- is not good enough

for you

tell that to my heart

convince my soul that we don't belong together

and why should i listen to "them" anyway?

who are you to decide what is best for me?

who's idea was it to be the bravest?

i know it wasn't me

because i know i am NOT brave

it's all a mask

it's all pretend

it's what i do to get me through my day

yet everyone looks to me and says

you- go do it- you're the bravest

i am not!

i am terrified

i don't like these two words

they are so cold

so final

so...i don't know

....and they all lived Happily Ever After

how can they live Happily Ever After when it's followed by

THE END

there isn't anymore

too many words? or not enough?

i've been pretty quiet lately. i spend a lot of time by myself in the studio. just me and my thoughts. so i think. some people say i think too much- like that's a bad thing. so here i am alone with my thoughts and too many words in my head. that happens sometimes...there are so many words inside my head that i can't get them to come together and make any sense to anyone other than myself. it's frustrating at times because i KNOW that i need to say something i just can't get it to come together. when that happens i sit and create...

that's a good thing because i know i need to create in order to keep my depression in check.

it's a bad thing when i am quiet because i can find the quiet to be very seductive and i can slip into that pit i call depression.

life is just a balancing act and i am doing my best to walk the line

back before email and text messaging and fax machines i was a prolific letter writer. long distance phone calls were expensive. so i wrote letters. i have a packet of letters from my brother when he was in law school half away across the country that i cherish to this day. i carried around the letter he wrote to me when i graduated from high school for years and would take it out and read it when i needed the boost. i even kept the letters and notes written to me by a very dear friend until one day in a fit of cleaning house i threw those away. i regret that to this day. i have the letters my mother sent me when i went away to college.

a couple of months ago i was in Chicago and came across a packet of letters for sale in a thrift store written in the 40's. letters written between a young man and a young lady. reading them made me cry. they told the story of these two people who fell in love and created a life together...i regret not buying them

so i have too many words in my head. maybe i do because i don't write letters anymore. maybe the words need to be put down on paper and sent in the mail. maybe there really aren't enough words...written words

The courage to be is the courage to accept oneself, in spite of being unacceptable. ~Paul Tillich

be-lieve (verb) to hold an opinion : THINK  

Amazing how words can mess with you. How you hear something once and you believe it for the rest of your life.  For years I believed I was less than I am. Why? Because someone once told me I'd never be as smart as one of my sisters. I believed I was doomed to be alone all my life because I was told many times that I was a good friend but not girlfriend material. ( Still wonder what that means) One guy even told me he'd date me if I had the girl down the street's face on my body. I even had a teacher once tell me that I wrote like a boy!

I was told I was too:                                        

loud

opinionated

obnoxious

stupid

short

sarcastic

mouthy

plain

fat

independant
ugly

impatient

italian

boisterous

cautious

messy (no I am sure Sr Regina used the word umkempt)

So I made many descisions based on these words I believed I was- like they were all bad or something. Not once in all those years did I ever say I was an artist. I would say someday I will be an artist but never that I was right in the moment.

If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced. ~Vincent Van Gogh

So I have silenced the sound track that used to play in my head by being just me. I paint, I draw, I act, I sing and I create. I make messes and voice my opinion, I laugh too loud and I cry sometimes just because.

 

 

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not. ~Author Unknown