summer is over



autumn blue



today is the autumnal equinox. the days have been getting shorter for a while now.  i really enjoy autumn. the changing colors of the leaves. the cool nights and sleeping with the windows open so you can get cozy beneath a quilt. and then there is autumn blue. that's a color i made up- it is the shade of blue the sky is on a sunny day in fall when the leaves are turning and it's crisp outside. i am not sure what makes that shade of blue- the contrast of the yellows and golds and reds or the temperature- but it is a glorious color.

sunny days in autumn gives me  an energy i don't get in any other season.  and even though it is overcast and there has been a constant mist in the air for the past several days it doesn't seem to make my depression worse. in fact i enjoy walking outside on a damp misty day - it reminds me of when i was younger and walking was my only mode of transportation. i would disappear for hours hanging out at the park or walking to a friends house or just walking through the fallen leaves and kicking them up. i wish fall lasted longer.

sabatoge

why is that when things seem to be going right i feel that something is wrong? i should be on top of the world right now, well not maybe to the pinnacle but pretty high up there. i have taken my struggling business and turned it around to where i am actually making money and i am doing what i love- teaching art to kids!

there are many times when i am my own worst enemy. i sabotage my success. Freud would have a field day with me on that one. i want to be successful and can even see myself successful ... take diet and exercise for an example. i am not happy with how much weight i have put on. i avoid mirrors and i dress to hide the weight. i know what i need to do i just can't do it. i have talked about this before and still i can't seem to find the right "thing" for me. i'm 49 years old and i plan on living to be 103 at least- i'd better get it figured out soon because middle age will be here in 2 and a half years....

so tonight, instead of reading in bed for awhile i am going to take my kindle and put the font size to this big and i will walk on that stupid treadmill  that i stub my toe on at least once a week  for at least 20 minutes. i'll let you know how it goes...and if it continues to go or if i sabatoge myself like i have done so many times before.....

ps. is it ok to walk barefoot on a treadmill? you see i really hate shoes