tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65770269767968371822024-02-19T04:00:21.765-08:00outside the lines.....coloring outside the lines is scary business-somedays I don't have the courage for it at all- on my big bold days I like to let my red crayon streak out across the lines with my purple in perfect freedom with no lines! coloring outside the lines can be lonely too.....laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460053084122885972noreply@blogger.comBlogger119125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6577026976796837182.post-41907724754930138082014-12-12T15:10:00.001-08:002014-12-14T13:46:07.653-08:00for unto us a child was born<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<br />
borderline personality disorder (BPD) is complex and I can only imagine what my daughter who has been recently diagnosed is feeling because I'm feeling pretty lost<br />
and confused<br />
and scared<br />
and guilty<br />
and angry<br />
and sad<br />
<br />
I've been reading a lot of books about BPD <br />
how it's often misdiagnosed <br />
<br />
when your child is a toddler you think - oh it's a phase -<br />
the terrible twos......<br />
......the awkward tweens........<br />
.................................the rebellious teens....................................................................................<br />
<br />
and then one day you look at her and see that she's the same age you were when you got married<br />
and it's not a phase<br />
she didn't out grow the rages, the black and white thinking, the anger<br />
<br />
did I do something wrong?<br />
why didn't I get her help sooner?<br />
when I did get her help why didn't they help her?<br />
so many labels have been tossed her way<br />
ADHD<br />
Sensory Integration<br />
Bi-polar<br />
Depression<br />
- only none of them quite fit her and the prescribed/recommended treatments didn't help<br />
<br />
the best way I can describe my daughter is like this<br />
<br />
"there was a little girl<br />
who had a little curl<br />
right in the middle of her forehead<br />
when she was good<br />
when was very, very good<br />
but when she was bad she was horrid"<br />
<br />
I have had years of unsolicited advice from well intentioned family and friends<br />
<br />
"she's just looking for attention"<br />
"she's acting out"<br />
"she's a brat"<br />
followed with "you need to......"<br />
<br />
she isn't a bad person- she has a heart as big as the universe and would give her last penny away to someone in need <br />
she takes on other peoples problems because she wants to help them and ends up getting hurt<br />
she's beautiful<br />
and kind hearted<br />
and loving<br />
and so full of life and feelings <br />
she just feels things differently than everyone else and more intensely<br />
<br />
one other thing I am feeling is<br />
HOPE<br />
this is not a death sentence<br />
in fact there are many testimonials from people who have been in the emotional roller coaster hell that is BPD <br />
and with the help of therapy, medication and the love and support of family and friends she can live a fairly even life <br />
it hurts to have to watch her go through what I can only describe as emotional growing pains <br />
there are setbacks-<br />
she'll stop her meds for whatever reason<br />
or self medicate<br />
or start self destructive behaviors <br />
- like it's a test to see if I still love her- I STILL LOVE HER<br />
There are days when I want to curl in a ball and cry - like I said before I can only imagine how she must be feeling- days when I ask god to give her pain to me because I'm her mom and I can do this because I don't want her to hurt anymore. <br />
I'm strong- take me instead. <br />
<br />
laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460053084122885972noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6577026976796837182.post-79861878932490821022014-05-05T13:10:00.001-07:002014-05-05T13:10:23.577-07:00that's all<div style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: x-large;">i am</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: x-large;">just</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: x-large;">me</span></div>
laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460053084122885972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6577026976796837182.post-20615443165989530802014-02-04T09:45:00.001-08:002014-02-04T09:45:13.790-08:00the dark side<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcWXIyqkPJieUByx7Uq4H0koIBrcdsRldyy3MWfscKNFqcH-EgMP8MzrJReV-8uW5RGs4zvwkdBdIoOuI5QdHMDr1vyU48r-J7HDFQA1R19v5SBQSnES5fCCDMOaxNHs8nn3kQEgkwsVU/s1600/8e6a38ab770e55c5d74583639f7654b1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcWXIyqkPJieUByx7Uq4H0koIBrcdsRldyy3MWfscKNFqcH-EgMP8MzrJReV-8uW5RGs4zvwkdBdIoOuI5QdHMDr1vyU48r-J7HDFQA1R19v5SBQSnES5fCCDMOaxNHs8nn3kQEgkwsVU/s1600/8e6a38ab770e55c5d74583639f7654b1.jpg" height="320" width="217" /></a>most people I know who live with mental illness describes it in a way that makes sense to them<br />
my depression is a pit- a large black hole<br />
for a long time it's been so far over there it's barely visible<br />
lately it's been trying to seduce me into coming closer<br />
reminding me how comfortable the dark side is-<br />
how enveloping-<br />
how safe-<br />
crawl in here with me.....<br />
it says with it's soft and sexy voice<br />
like a lover <br />
making promises<br />
.<br />
.<br />
.<br />
.<br />
.<br />
...depression lies<br />
<br />
laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460053084122885972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6577026976796837182.post-76387717120806679222013-11-21T11:55:00.000-08:002013-11-21T11:56:47.101-08:00colored bright and sprinkled with glitterthe opposite of depressed is manic<br />
i have been in a manic phase the past few weeks- it doesn't happen often<br />
in fact I can't remember the last time i was manic <br />
<br />
i have been painting, knitting, sewing, collaging and creating<br />
i can't turn my brain off<br />
so many ideas are floating in my head <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTf5kEeElKJPWueVwwspxzAjcMJ4ochuWgAVknxKtvoVWGsaoLGPda0iXBrRiGLv4zQHQGcqlt0fYYFFbk16BmKgvEepcUOgre4KV_tYGufTTdbmm2UPeVPbtfk0UEVH_IoxAo3V1B4z8/s1600/8b5f81ac6b2f0b298803cf89459dc94c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTf5kEeElKJPWueVwwspxzAjcMJ4ochuWgAVknxKtvoVWGsaoLGPda0iXBrRiGLv4zQHQGcqlt0fYYFFbk16BmKgvEepcUOgre4KV_tYGufTTdbmm2UPeVPbtfk0UEVH_IoxAo3V1B4z8/s320/8b5f81ac6b2f0b298803cf89459dc94c.jpg" width="160" /></a></div>
sketched onto papers<br />
roughed out on canvas<br />
<br />
pieces of that idea over there<br />
parts of this one over here<br />
<br />
the stuff leaning against the wall is important<br />
take that home to have james cut it down<br />
<br />
where did I put the______<br />
glue<br />
scissors<br />
pencils<br />
markers<br />
tape<br />
ribbon<br />
brushes<br />
....all of the above<br />
<br />
poor james<br />
he has never witnessed this part of my depression <br />
i can't sleep and when i do it's restless and keeps him awake<br />
<br />
but i don't want to DO anything to change this manic episode- i am creating such wonderful pieces <br />
right now my world is filled with colors and shapes and textures<br />
<br />
and if i try to fix it and level out again<br />
the creative ideas will stop <br />
and i will just trudge through my gray life again<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460053084122885972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6577026976796837182.post-48484869027620731782013-09-30T09:23:00.002-07:002013-09-30T09:23:14.913-07:00to my 14 year old self....i work with a lot of kids on a daily basis<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhg0WwBKXXcsdCagOwe9Jr16CcwRRfOJSq1QTGpjJ5fiu8WiAo35IFEYy3Z7BNvONlWdnFcUZO22HzCCDt1pe95TFAqq2YMKkOwR3f3-pOIaGLZ1r3PXmAFMy9iU6si59xOoT_zs1CTbR8/s1600/journals2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhg0WwBKXXcsdCagOwe9Jr16CcwRRfOJSq1QTGpjJ5fiu8WiAo35IFEYy3Z7BNvONlWdnFcUZO22HzCCDt1pe95TFAqq2YMKkOwR3f3-pOIaGLZ1r3PXmAFMy9iU6si59xOoT_zs1CTbR8/s320/journals2.jpg" width="286" /></a>and because my classroom is a relaxed stress free environment i am privy to conversations with kids that most people aren't- things they worry about<br />
the daily drama<br />
the insecurities<br />
if you could go back in time as your are now and give your 10 year old, 14 year old, 17 year old etc... self advice what would it be? <br />
<br />
to my 14 year old self: you are an amazing and creative person with too many pictures in your head - start drawing- every day- get those pictures and ideas out onto paper. they don't need to be perfect nor do they need to be finished masterpieces. fill as many books and pads as you can with sketches and ideas - never stop observing and stop apologizing for not being good enough. you are enough of everything and more.<br />
<br />
laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460053084122885972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6577026976796837182.post-2592178836910516202013-09-04T10:01:00.001-07:002013-09-04T10:01:28.322-07:00bringing back sexyi'm not sure or how it happened but somewhere along the way i lost my <a href="http://thesaurus.com/browse/sexy" target="_blank">sexy</a><br />
before you get all feminist in my face go check the link to the thesaurus on the word sexy ok?<br />
i used to wear fun clothes<br />
and flirty hair<br />
and i had my own style<br />
<br />
somewhere along the way i lost it<br />
<br />
my oldest best friend's daughter has an online clothing boutique called <a href="http://hello-holiday.com/" target="_blank">"Hello Holiday"</a><br />
wonderful clothing, shoes, accessories.....but one thing bothered me....i got this sense that fun and fashion and style sort of stops after 30<br />
<br />
ok so maybe these two women haven't hit 30 yet<br />
<br />
and when you are in your 20's a person in their 50's is like OLD as in- your mother's age!<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2tuSuu8XCClyS9uoDGK_FKdo8fGtSCFJMTngK1c2lVIp4gyB_nL3YncHNzGe17E9EVk0th4JBECadz59lBVBdedJdQacMJplvnwYw2oI47_mgPClgS8n5TAmubBHJQi7p2or6J0UFm-Q/s1600/shoes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2tuSuu8XCClyS9uoDGK_FKdo8fGtSCFJMTngK1c2lVIp4gyB_nL3YncHNzGe17E9EVk0th4JBECadz59lBVBdedJdQacMJplvnwYw2oI47_mgPClgS8n5TAmubBHJQi7p2or6J0UFm-Q/s320/shoes.jpg" width="256" /></a>but here i am at 52 <br />
<br />
inside somewhere buried deep- i'm still 24 and fun<br />
<br />
i'm a few pounds and 4 babies bigger than i was at 24 but that <br />
fun<br />
sexy<br />
vibrant <br />
person is in there- somewhere<br />
<br />
i am coaxing her out - in little bits- two weeks ago i bought some skinny jeans to wear this fall with my brown flat leather boots- nothing too drastic- <br />
<br />
today i ordered a pair of shoes to also wear with my skinny jeans and a cute little <a href="http://hello-holiday.com/collections/allclothing/products/a-latte-love-cardigan" target="_blank">cardigan sweater</a> to wear over a cami from Hello Holliday<br />
<br />
<br />
i know i will have a tummy roll - flat belly will never return<br />
but i don't care!<br />
<br />
i'm going to kick up these heels<br />
put my red lipstick on <br />
and go dancing<br />
<br />
and bring back my sexy<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460053084122885972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6577026976796837182.post-55105823711114306992013-05-29T09:20:00.001-07:002013-05-29T09:21:03.649-07:00guilt free- almost<br />
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i was spending time on <a href="http://pinterest.com/lauracomito/boards/" target="_blank">Pinterest </a>and looking at all these DIY projects from up cycled wooden pallets to garden tips to making environmentally friends cleaning supplies<br />
it was exhausting <br />
yes ~ i should plant a garden- home grown produce would be much better for me<br />
i should make my own cleaning supplies because it's better for everyone<br />
and recycle<br />
and up cycle<br />
and ...<br />
it all makes me feel guilty<br />
guilt is a great motivator - at least that's what i've been told- and the nuns tried really hard to play the guilt card every chance they got<br />
i do recycle- to the point of being militant about it<br />
i do up cycle- walk into the studio and there is quite a stash of materials ready to be up-cycled into something new<br />
about the gardening- there just aren't enough hours in the day for me- <br />
so it's farmers market for me this summer- I will be there selling bracelets for <a href="http://www2.jdrf.org/site/PageServer?pagename=ride_homepage" target="_blank">JDRF</a> for my granddaughter Norah who has type 1 diabetes<br />
and while i'm there i will buy fresh produce - that's ok right? instead of growing it myself laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460053084122885972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6577026976796837182.post-22667778363011163702013-04-18T17:54:00.001-07:002013-04-18T17:54:50.852-07:00think about iti collect quotes. i have notebooks filled with passages that i have come across in reading books, or surfing the net, tshirts, bumper stickers- if it strikes a chord with me i will write it down because i want to remember it. <br />
<br />
i put this one in my quotes folder on my computer awhile ago.<br />
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lots to think about</div>
laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460053084122885972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6577026976796837182.post-47686617439653984322013-04-16T13:10:00.001-07:002013-04-16T13:10:20.722-07:00june 15, 2001my mother was a reader and i grew up in a house with books and newspapers- magazines not so much- but many books<br />
a trip to the library once a week was part of our summer routine - it was also a well organized event- an hour before we were due to depart each one of us was required to gather all of our books- granted she only allowed us to check out 4 books each (and when you multiply that times 6-7 kids that's a lot of books!)<br />
each of us was responsible for our own books <br />
i kept mine on the bottom shelf of the book case in my bedroom - that way I always knew where they were<br />
once in awhile some of us would pool our books together and make check out cards for the books and play library- yep we were just that cool<br />
<br />
organized people make lists- and since my mother was VERY organized she was quite the list maker<br />
<br />
<br />
i was looking in one of my file cabinets yesterday and i found these <br />
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i forgot i had them</div>
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they are the notebooks of lists she kept of books she wanted to read</div>
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and books she had read</div>
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when she died </div>
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she was on notebook number 16 of books she had read and there were 45 books on her list of books to read</div>
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laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460053084122885972noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6577026976796837182.post-44615392419058942662013-04-12T15:31:00.002-07:002013-04-12T15:31:54.233-07:00sometimes you just have to do it<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8EMQPq-4WME-1JmYld8dnmDs-0p4ZFVsvJQR5sryCrjjJ_6kwjfHlWi8O10DhvRLmwGia-6qDOb9pvy95dXOzrZ7RgeWLRu-8CAaaeXlKMwbDsaevfkmYvgbsQolRbVgrtXMcSy-tTUA/s1600/9f5ceaee1482992fbe738f7e207d78ff.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8EMQPq-4WME-1JmYld8dnmDs-0p4ZFVsvJQR5sryCrjjJ_6kwjfHlWi8O10DhvRLmwGia-6qDOb9pvy95dXOzrZ7RgeWLRu-8CAaaeXlKMwbDsaevfkmYvgbsQolRbVgrtXMcSy-tTUA/s320/9f5ceaee1482992fbe738f7e207d78ff.jpg" width="283" /></a>i told james the other day that i really need \<br />
to run away <br />
just for a weekend<br />
i don't want to see anyone<br />
talk to anyone<br />
or do anything<br />
i just want to be<br />
alone<br />
so i can just be<br />
laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460053084122885972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6577026976796837182.post-25911378715771065512013-04-02T09:12:00.000-07:002013-04-02T09:12:26.212-07:00on the spectrum<span style="font-size: large;">today is world autism awareness day</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivzDqRqzTbpzbEGd24YsiNZcyyVj4Uhh-INCm-h1TQvFGRCxUqhmWEB2e1REoZNNiHh41FVMBTxcEZWYj22JMXJgWOi6vPNEIkYozoGvhmjPAIDcXwgXG8vrXwrglXAR0AHdIDJp0NzxA/s1600/logo_waad.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivzDqRqzTbpzbEGd24YsiNZcyyVj4Uhh-INCm-h1TQvFGRCxUqhmWEB2e1REoZNNiHh41FVMBTxcEZWYj22JMXJgWOi6vPNEIkYozoGvhmjPAIDcXwgXG8vrXwrglXAR0AHdIDJp0NzxA/s320/logo_waad.jpg" width="242" /></a></div>
<strong>what is autism and autism spectrum?</strong><br />
<br />
<em>"Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and autism are both general terms for a group of complex disorders of brain development. These disorders are characterized, in varying degrees, by difficulties in social interaction, verbal and nonverbal communication and repetitive behaviors. They include autistic disorder, Rett syndrome, childhood disintegrative disorder, pervasive developmental disorder-not otherwise specified (PDD-NOS) and Asperger syndrome."</em> <a href="http://autismspeaks.org/">autismspeaks.org</a><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">my daughter and my nephew are on the autistic spectrum- they are very smart and talented and misunderstood by their peers. they don't form long lasting friendships because they are "different" which is really sad because they are so giving and creative.</span><br />
<br />
<em>"Each individual with autism is unique. Many of those on the autism spectrum have exceptional abilities in visual skills, music and academic skills. About 40 percent have average to above average intellectual abilities. Indeed, many persons on the spectrum take deserved pride in their distinctive abilities and “atypical” ways of viewing the world."</em> <a href="http://autismspeaks.org/">autismspeaks.org</a> <br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">my daughter graduated with a bachelors degree in psychology and a bachelors degree in art. my nephew was accepted to Penn State main campus. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">my older brother Timmy was autistic too. he died in 1973 of peritonitis. by the time i was born he was living in a state institution. my memories of him are kind of hazy. from stories told by my parents and my other older siblings i know that Timmy was a beautiful healthy child- very outgoing and social until around 18 months. he seemed to just disconnect from the world.</span> <br />
<br />
<em>"Others with autism have significant disability and are unable to live independently. About 25 percent of individuals with ASD are nonverbal but can learn to communicate using other means." </em><a href="http://autismspeaks.org/">autismspeaks.org</a><br />
<br />
<strong>what causes autism?</strong><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">not long ago the answer would have been "we have no idea" Now we know there is no one cause just as there is no one type of autism.</span> <br />
<br />
<em>"Over the last five years, scientists have identified a number of rare gene changes, or mutations, associated with autism. A small number of these are sufficient to cause autism by themselves. Most cases of autism, however, appear to be caused by a combination of autism risk genes and environmental factors influencing early brain development."</em> <a href="http://autismspeaks.org/">autismspeaks.org</a><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">when my mother was pregnant with Timmy she was in a car accident. a drunk driver hit the broadside of her car. she swore that this was the reason why Timmy was autistic.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">when i was pregnant with my daughter it was a normal pregnancy and i was in the best physical shape i had ever been in. in my 8th month i got a severe sinus infection and took some nasty medication for it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"don't worry- it won't hurt the baby"</span> </div>
<br />
<em>"In the presence of a genetic predisposition to autism, a number of nongenetic, or “environmental,” stresses appear to further increase a child’s risk. The clearest evidence of these autism risk factors involves events before and during birth. They include advanced parental age at time of conception (both mom and dad), maternal illness during pregnancy and certain difficulties during birth, particularly those involving periods of oxygen deprivation to the baby’s brain. It is important to keep in mind that these factors, by themselves, do not cause autism. Rather, in combination with genetic risk factors, they appear to modestly increase risk."<a href="http://www.blogger.com/goog_1131715707"> </a></em><a href="http://autismspeaks.org/">autismspeaks.org</a><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">makes me wonder </span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460053084122885972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6577026976796837182.post-19680156225935301202013-03-25T08:55:00.001-07:002013-03-25T08:55:56.687-07:00carry onit's not the overcast sky<br />
it's not the snow<br />
it's not the cold<br />
i don't know what it is but I can't seem to shake this feeling<br />
this deep deep sadness that colors everything i do in shades of gray<br />
i'm moving in slow motion -standing outside my self looking in <br />
disconnected<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2QRZjxSkx8HWkcDtpQGcSNggBOLTCF7u6inBQRxaNtWqML1eG5bRvPKlosAWoBtT19XgPrPSGfA415TUlAW1pMufb2gyM9UyK0JAMTbGdczNxx7Bk39BGUr6ycJrPMyA2jKuOj8rgwOU/s1600/6afb96690ed44a11713fc478876ba893.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2QRZjxSkx8HWkcDtpQGcSNggBOLTCF7u6inBQRxaNtWqML1eG5bRvPKlosAWoBtT19XgPrPSGfA415TUlAW1pMufb2gyM9UyK0JAMTbGdczNxx7Bk39BGUr6ycJrPMyA2jKuOj8rgwOU/s320/6afb96690ed44a11713fc478876ba893.jpg" width="286" /></a>so very, very tired<br />
deadlines , people counting on me to deliver<br />
needing me- always needing me<br />
what do i need?<br />
i don't know<br />
<br />
<br />
this is depression talking<br />
i know the seductive sound of its voice<br />
i know the comfort of its darkness<br />
i know i have to stop this feeling<br />
<br />
<br />
i know<br />
carry on<br />
keep going<br />
i know<br />
laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460053084122885972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6577026976796837182.post-58414813759137355042013-03-21T17:16:00.000-07:002013-03-21T17:16:03.939-07:00for my son<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRrMe40u_wVBUeddsUHQbePbq2ffJJvp2PCxYzOzcdwf4NKs0x3q9503B4f1c0Bkd8myvCzPsYLRJjcrjhU0quIkH2CFXmmzsTC7R39KSVLLnM_ZZnxmZmG1q_m2lOU1sjdi_h0RJTF1c/s1600/8ad55cfb3ca4c64868e769a93fca4f91.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRrMe40u_wVBUeddsUHQbePbq2ffJJvp2PCxYzOzcdwf4NKs0x3q9503B4f1c0Bkd8myvCzPsYLRJjcrjhU0quIkH2CFXmmzsTC7R39KSVLLnM_ZZnxmZmG1q_m2lOU1sjdi_h0RJTF1c/s1600/8ad55cfb3ca4c64868e769a93fca4f91.jpg" /></a></div>
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</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
let it go and move on</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
i love you</div>
<br />laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460053084122885972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6577026976796837182.post-35840855074420258732013-03-05T09:28:00.000-08:002013-03-05T09:28:08.792-08:00wordswords have a lot of power<br />
you can use them to create or destroy<br />
words can give you comfort<br />
make you think<br />
make you cry<br />
laugh<br />
smile<br />
frown<br />
<br />
this last stay in the hospital for my daughter for her mental illness got me to thinking about words<br />
she expressed a desire to read something each day and to reflect on it- maybe it would help keep her out of the darkness<br />
she suggested the Bible- i don't have anything against the bible but it can be pretty thick and heavy with words and sometimes there are too many words<br />
<br />
i went looking for some kind of book i could give her that wasn't all Hallmark card- you know?<br />
i came up empty<br />
<br />
maybe i should write my own book <br />
<br />
i have been collecting quotes, words of wisdom, passages from books for years. i write them down in a notebook ( i am on my 4th notebook since i started) now i have a board on<a href="http://pinterest.com/lauracomito/quotes/" target="_blank"> Pinterest </a>dedicated to them. <br />
<br />
if you are reading this can you take a moment and write down words you use to help you get through a rough patch<br />
words that make you think<br />
get you back on track<br />
<br />
here's one of my favorites:<br />
<br />
<div align="center">
"there is no such thing as a problem</div>
<div align="center">
without a gift for you in its hands.</div>
<div align="center">
You seek the problems </div>
<div align="center">
because you need</div>
<div align="center">
their gifts"</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">Richard Bach</span> </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjT-bD7wT640R8paEYvIrw-1hzUvMYfCJGv-gsxIeQnT8UdadQiTZR18o5YtFV4DikNtNR9tMqwsqPR1VTPgUXZ9oDSXxDsx7BPtE38OpGpJoyk7Q7NOUFo59PHLPaIKL84QnWNiSmdL4/s1600/holdinghands.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="holding hands" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjT-bD7wT640R8paEYvIrw-1hzUvMYfCJGv-gsxIeQnT8UdadQiTZR18o5YtFV4DikNtNR9tMqwsqPR1VTPgUXZ9oDSXxDsx7BPtE38OpGpJoyk7Q7NOUFo59PHLPaIKL84QnWNiSmdL4/s1600/holdinghands.jpg" /></a></div>
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<br />laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460053084122885972noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6577026976796837182.post-87621274667508984942013-02-27T09:12:00.000-08:002013-02-27T09:12:12.839-08:00how's it going Laura?facebook asks me that everyday<br />
<br />
how's it going Laura?<br />
since you asked i'll tell you -even though i know you really don't give a fuck<br />
but i can pretend you do<br />
<br />
i can't sleep at night <br />
because i am afraid that when i wake up my daughter will have killed herself because she needs help for her mental illness and every time i try to get her help i get smacked down <br />
<br />
the system would rather she was dead than alive and getting help - one less fucked up person to deal with - only this fucked up person is a college graduate with two bachelors degrees<br />
<br />
i can't sleep at night<br />
because my son made an immature stupid mistake and now it's going to affect the rest of his life<br />
he's 18 - EIGHTEEN - his mistake caused no harm to anyone but himself <br />
but still 18 and basically fucked<br />
people do stupid things at 18 and now the system is telling me he's lost his job -for the next 5 years- he needs to work this summer so he can afford go back to college next fall<br />
yeah- my son is not a loser - he's getting a college education so he can be a productive member of society - <br />
working his way through college so he doesn't end up in debt- oh and by the way make sure you get your selective service form filled out because the system can and will send you away to get murdered on behalf of your country<br />
the system says fuck you all around <br />
<br />
i can't sleep at night because i am so angry<br />
that's how it's going laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460053084122885972noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6577026976796837182.post-66813490779159890702013-01-18T08:36:00.000-08:002013-01-18T08:36:04.036-08:00spiritual desertsomething is missing from my life. the busier my life gets the farther away i seem to be getting from my spiritual center. i am not a sit in church once a week and listen to someone preach at me kind of person. i am more of a reflective person. <br />
which can be a bad thing when you are depressed. reflect too much on the negatives in your life and you end up falling into the pit. <br />
i need to learn to meditate.<br />
really meditate<br />
i am not sure i have enough self discipline to learn on my own<br />
maybe i do- i haven't tried yet<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivHzonqbox-Ts7Oduj521CORoIHNr2fEv8Z7H02kRRDiduw66SkZoA7H3qcp2VOv4E13IqtPJ06NFN_Xj8dZ-QtUQHvA-CNygblaS0TweG4zbMX-LaRumxAKxquifFby4UBABjXyt24Ro/s1600/I+wont.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivHzonqbox-Ts7Oduj521CORoIHNr2fEv8Z7H02kRRDiduw66SkZoA7H3qcp2VOv4E13IqtPJ06NFN_Xj8dZ-QtUQHvA-CNygblaS0TweG4zbMX-LaRumxAKxquifFby4UBABjXyt24Ro/s400/I+wont.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460053084122885972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6577026976796837182.post-81196422413235481412013-01-15T20:50:00.001-08:002013-01-15T20:50:57.076-08:00something to think about<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSLxXYbEumcQxRJOJ6PnNV7fBqHr_3HyWryWU4rFRKCMt3nYxC40EmFsPllcy5meWcPDQ8dbgArsKae36umqeE81RpW7UPyVHkaIPe7saPMJY_5QmMQpqA3QP_c6lGL_9S5-BcAUrB8bQ/s1600/depression.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSLxXYbEumcQxRJOJ6PnNV7fBqHr_3HyWryWU4rFRKCMt3nYxC40EmFsPllcy5meWcPDQ8dbgArsKae36umqeE81RpW7UPyVHkaIPe7saPMJY_5QmMQpqA3QP_c6lGL_9S5-BcAUrB8bQ/s400/depression.jpg" width="257" /></a></div>
laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460053084122885972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6577026976796837182.post-42109316037855972842013-01-09T09:06:00.000-08:002013-01-09T09:06:05.383-08:00change of habiti joined a 30 day challenge that my daughter put together for the new year. she is part of <a href="http://www.isagenix.com/ww/en/ppc_products.dhtml?gclid=CITPsdvY27QCFao7MgodxzwAAA" target="_blank">Isagenix </a>. <br />
i have used their products before and the results are great and they are lasting results. but i can't seem to make it a habit<br />
i thought being accountable to someone else would help me with my goals- i'm not in it for the money or the prizes i am in it for the habit<br />
<br />
yep- i am a creature of habit- as humans we all are and anyone who has developed a habit knows how hard it is to break <br />
<br />
for years i bit my nails and yet i would buy nail polish and try and make them look pretty because i think painted nails are kinda sexy and they make me feel good. i conquered that habit - not over night - but in time(years). now i have nails i am proud of and i get them done once a month and it makes me feel GOOD about myself.<br />
<br />
feeling good about myself- <br />
<br />
lately the voices in my head have been very negative and <br />
VERY LOUD<br />
so loud i can't hear anything else<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
your art sucks</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
you're worthless</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
you don't do enough</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
you're fat</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and ugly</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and unlovable</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
SHUT UP! <br />
<br />
i am taking baby steps on changing some habits - no more McDonald's drive thru before work monday - friday - if i feel like it on saturday it's ok <br />
keeping a project threaded on the loom at all times - so far that habit has produced three beautiful scarves<br />
replacing my afternoon cookie craving with some hot cinnamon/honey tea<br />
wearing lipstick because you just can't feel ugly with a little lipstick on<br />
<br />
<div align="center">
be the change i wish to see</div>
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhHsEEZ2rPQf3COo0upRfyfgIIg62ikT9gowzLj3uyVjm0BpdgbP70sc_-MsTHBj5e_RQaimNhyWuA2mi0AIBNfBNBSvVSZY_ll92uJQ9ZEKd1sHaG7qLaysHSQ5oKiKxWj_Tod7mpR38/s1600/800px-Ripple_effect_on_water.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="CHANGE RIPPLES" border="0" eea="true" height="228" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhHsEEZ2rPQf3COo0upRfyfgIIg62ikT9gowzLj3uyVjm0BpdgbP70sc_-MsTHBj5e_RQaimNhyWuA2mi0AIBNfBNBSvVSZY_ll92uJQ9ZEKd1sHaG7qLaysHSQ5oKiKxWj_Tod7mpR38/s320/800px-Ripple_effect_on_water.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460053084122885972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6577026976796837182.post-56716545103054237882012-12-31T09:04:00.000-08:002012-12-31T09:04:05.246-08:00motivationor lack thereof...<br />
<br />
the list of things i should do because i KNOW i will benefit from them is long<br />
really, really long<br />
<br />
like changing what i eat<br />
that's a big one and I know if i change my eating habits i will lose some weight and if i lose some weight i will have more energy and if i have more energy i won't be tired all the time and if i'm not tired all the time i will be more productive and if i am more productive my list of things to do won't be out of control and if my list of things to do is under control then i will feel less guilty and if i feel less guilty i will feel better about myself and if i feel better about my self then i will change my eating habits....<br />
<br />
it's a merry go round spinning out of control and i can't make myself jump on<br />
laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460053084122885972noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6577026976796837182.post-32670255952658698282012-12-18T09:54:00.000-08:002012-12-18T09:54:34.765-08:00doing goodangels are everywhere and i don't mean the figures in white gowns with wings. i mean real people. people you don't know or maybe you do.<br />
<br />
several years ago i was broke. the mortgage was due on the house me and my four kids lived in and i had no idea where the money was going to come from. <br />
<br />
divorced<br />
4 kids<br />
working three jobs<br />
too rich for food stamps<br />
too poor to buy food<br />
<br />
pay the mortgage or feed the kids<br />
<br />
tough choice isn't it? i hope anyone who reads this NEVER has to make a decision like that<br />
<br />
i have a friend that has been a part of my life since fourth grade. we were such an odd couple. she only had one brother and i loved going to her house because she had HER OWN ROOM! i had SEVEN siblings and shared a room with two if them. we both had a huge crush on David Cassidy and would pool our allowance each week and ride our bikes to Pokey's for green rivers, french fries and the latest Tiger Beat Magazine. good times.<br />
<br />
over the years we hardly see each other. but when we do it's like time has never passed. we pick up right where we left off. ups and downs. getting married. having babies. divorce. children. mental health. i can talk to her about pretty much anything. one day after a conversation with her about trying to figure out how i was going to pay the bank i got this note in the mail. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzfngXoIfWZwjQIDAshNUXgSGTFA4Ua-E_tXMAxUUwdyBM8sntCX9BFPO8VDkcs10EPQ79fV86zhljpA0yeSJLX29Yz_F_w_WGOr8bc_Q1Eyf944E8T-r5GI3IavX4saGwKNP-D2J881U/s1600/doing-good.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="YOU ARE DOING GOOD" border="0" eea="true" height="188" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzfngXoIfWZwjQIDAshNUXgSGTFA4Ua-E_tXMAxUUwdyBM8sntCX9BFPO8VDkcs10EPQ79fV86zhljpA0yeSJLX29Yz_F_w_WGOr8bc_Q1Eyf944E8T-r5GI3IavX4saGwKNP-D2J881U/s320/doing-good.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
and a check for the amount due the bank. <br />
<br />
i cried. <br />
a lot. <br />
i have kept her note posted on my bulletin board and i try to pay it forward as often as possible. <br />
thank you mary beth <br />
<br />laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460053084122885972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6577026976796837182.post-78973101670233023062012-11-23T15:07:00.000-08:002012-11-23T15:07:12.715-08:0050 shades of crazy<br />
<br />
drugs to make you feel better<br />
drugs to help you sleep<br />
drugs to keep you from hurting yourself<br />
drugs, drugs, drugs....<br />
<br />
<em>"but I don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.</em><em></em><br />
<br />
let's talk about it<br />
how do you feel?<br />
why do you feel this way?<br />
what can you do differently?<br />
<br />
<em>"oh, you can't help that," said the Cat</em><br />
<br />
wanting to be normal<br />
wanting to change<br />
wanting to be like everyone else<br />
<br />
<em>"We're all mad here. I'm mad, You're mad."</em><br />
<br />
no, i don't hear voices<br />
i just don't care<br />
i want to sleep - forever<br />
just let me stay home - safe, secure, alone<br />
i'm ok with that<br />
<br />
<em>"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.</em><br />
<br />
really<br />
<br />
oh, my daughters, i get it<br />
i know how much it hurts<br />
how much it sucks to be numb<br />
<br />
but i also know - deep down- how much i have to live for<br />
how much i have to offer the world<br />
even when my inner voice tells me i'm not good enough<br />
or not worth it<br />
<br />
-but- and there is ALWAYS a but-<br />
<br />
<em>"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."</em><br />
<br />
when will you get to that point too?<br />
when will you see how many people really love you<br />
and love you for who you are- not who you think they want you to be?<br />
when will you see that it's ok to have bad days because good days can and WILL follow<br />
when will you just accept this crazy life you've been given?<br />
accept it and be<br />
because giving in to the crazy hurts you and everyone around you<br />
accept the help <br />
use the tools you are given<br />
and ASK when it's too much<br />
<br />
<em>"Do you think I've gone round the bend?" </em><br />
<br />
<em>"I'm afraid so. </em><br />
<em>You're mad, bonkers, completely off your head.</em><br />
<em> But I'll tell you a secret. </em><br />
<em>All the best people are" </em><br />
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laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460053084122885972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6577026976796837182.post-25264752012574158632012-11-13T16:52:00.001-08:002012-11-13T16:52:37.634-08:00what is this?i have only had two serious panic attacks in my life and neither one of them were caused by any sort of traumatic experience. in fact they both happened on relatively normal days.<br />
if you have ever had a panic attack let me tell you they are scary<br />
you feel like your heart is going to jump out of your chest<br />
and you can't breathe<br />
and all sorts of weird thoughts go through your head<br />
and with one i actually vomited<br />
<br />
so lately i have been having these little panic episodes<br />
disturbing<br />
these creep up on me first with fluttery heart beats<br />
then the swirly thoughts come in<br />
and i feel like i am detached from where i am<br />
and finally i begin to self doubt<br />
HUGE<br />
like- why am i teaching? my art work is all crap.<br />
who am i kidding? i don't know anything.....<br />
and it goes on<br />
<br />
and then all i want to do i crawl into a ball and do nothing<br />
cuz if i do nothing then no one will be able to see that i<br />
am an impostor. <br />
<br />
where does this come from? everything was going so well <br />
then <br />
CRASH!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4Md9Qo3U4Xh_m-cu05e9vYuuZ-CmMXHwnGH16vFvK6Maj7i3k0XuGQkTAoQas1DEVANr7CF4ILvQg3NYOi_X9v73j1oPGOLPveQqRlNOn4r_C9RWR3Q49myEtHsXfHtBkmiQTwwrqkpk/s1600/panic-attack-symptoms.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="panic attack" border="0" height="320" rea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4Md9Qo3U4Xh_m-cu05e9vYuuZ-CmMXHwnGH16vFvK6Maj7i3k0XuGQkTAoQas1DEVANr7CF4ILvQg3NYOi_X9v73j1oPGOLPveQqRlNOn4r_C9RWR3Q49myEtHsXfHtBkmiQTwwrqkpk/s320/panic-attack-symptoms.jpg" width="279" /></a></div>
laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460053084122885972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6577026976796837182.post-43113196544024107942012-11-08T06:21:00.002-08:002012-11-08T06:28:35.226-08:00thanks kermit, i needed to hear that<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsdkWFDc2OIOChriEmsN9K8DNfHNaIYFSIgwxYtKBlokLEQETwt6gKVO1_Jej4EIFXLraxQNSPUqktT6YPFnepa6ko-cNvnvedhJJz1TDvuL_W7W-84dBmjjwXmTbiwhTT9XzbvLndlX0/s1600/kermit.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Jim Henson Kermit" border="0" height="320" rea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsdkWFDc2OIOChriEmsN9K8DNfHNaIYFSIgwxYtKBlokLEQETwt6gKVO1_Jej4EIFXLraxQNSPUqktT6YPFnepa6ko-cNvnvedhJJz1TDvuL_W7W-84dBmjjwXmTbiwhTT9XzbvLndlX0/s320/kermit.jpg" width="276" /></a>If just one person believes in you,</div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
</div>
<br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
Deep enough, and strong enough, believes in you...</div>
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<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
Hard enough, and long enough,</div>
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<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
It stands to reason, that someone else will think</div>
<br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
"If he can do it, I can do it."</div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
Making it: two whole people, who believe in you<br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
Deep enough, and strong enough, </div>
<br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
Believe in you.</div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<br /></div>
Hard enough and long enough<br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
There's bound to be some other person who</div>
<br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
Believes in making it a threesome,</div>
<br />
Making it three.....<br />
<br />
People you can say: believe in me.....<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
And if three whole people,<br />
<br />
Why not -- four?<br />
<br />
And if four whole people,<br />
<br />
Why not--more, and<br />
<br />
more, and<br />
<br />
more....<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
And when all those people,<br />
<br />
Believe in you,<br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
Deep enough, and strong enough,</div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
Believe in you...</div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<br /></div>
Hard enough, and long enough<br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
It stands to reason that you yourself will<br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
Start to see what everybody sees in</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
You...</div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
And maybe even you,</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
Can believe in you... too!</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br />laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460053084122885972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6577026976796837182.post-87130401559125773552012-09-25T09:14:00.000-07:002012-09-25T09:40:58.197-07:00lack of health insurance and i am so f#@king messed upthis weekend I am headed to Omaha to spend some time with my youngest daughter. she is in her third year at Creighton University. <br />
i feel guilty about it<br />
- when my two oldest daughters were in college i rarely went to visit them. <br />
<br />
why? <br />
money - i was struggling to keep a roof over our head and spending the money on gas made me nervous<br />
fear - driving into places that i am not familiar with and i am not a confident driver in the first place<br />
trust- i did not trust my van that i would make it safely to and from my destination<br />
health insurance- i didn't have any and if anything happened to me we would be wiped out which takes me back to the money worry...<br />
<br />
i lived with the uninsured ax hanging over my head for ten years. for ten years i worried about get sick, or in an accident. i wouldn't go to the doctor. my family was one medical catastrophe away from being homeless every day. <br />
<br />
may 2005-hey you get a FREE mammogram if you don't have insurance and since you are over 40 you really should do it it's pretty routine- " Laura, the doctor sees something can you come back......next thing i know i am in a whirlwind of tests and appointments. one of the appointments was with the billing department of the hospital. <br />
<br />
'how are you planning to pay for your procedure?'<br />
<br />
'um, i don't know.'<em> - i don't even know what "this" is. i have no idea what the test results are going to be and right now i can't even focus on how i am going to pay for it i am worried that if it's cancer how i am going to take care of my family ...</em> when i left the office i was crying and scared and worried and when i got home i put on my brave face and told the kids this was just a routine follow up and not to worry...<br />
<br />
when the kids were younger i didn't worry so much. i was brave and insured. we got lost driving to my sister's house once and i told them it was an adventure. when Carolyne was 2 we drove to Iowa City and spent the weekend with my younger sister. When Joshua was 3 he and I drove all over Western Iowa.and there were numerous trips to Aunt Sue's. but i was younger then. <br />
<br />
and i had health insurance. <br />
what about that time we drove to Colorado? same van, same money worries, same unknown territories- my older sister and brother -in- law were with us which gave me a sense of safety ( if anything bad happened they are both doctors) plus they offered to pay for the gas so we could go on the trip. (thank you for that)<br />
<br />
so i am driving to Omaha this weekend. i am now equipped with a GPS. i have a very good reliable car. and money doesn't worry me anymore. <strong>i now have health insurance and i am anxious about the drive there.</strong> once i get there i will be fine. it's the travel from here to there. i don't feel as anxious traveling back home. <br />
<br />
kelsey and carolyne- if you are reading this- i have health insurance now but i still can't get rid of the anxiety and fear from the years that i didn't have it. i don't trust it. i don't trust that if somehitng medically happened to me they ( the insurance company) would pay for it. <br />
<br />
i am so f#@king messed up<br />
<br />
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<br />laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460053084122885972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6577026976796837182.post-25758907889942616462012-09-03T20:31:00.000-07:002012-09-03T20:31:07.201-07:00my skin is too tight <div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_7vl5xwvJrE-wM6KO8ByDqQAhHFCfcgqxvaMvxLTJefKS4Od_4-tISAcKQCu1MSc_2zQ65AiIP3gfQiKIrbfIDoSCPHThxOb8cpi9XmTLVhSGwWOruRBC85KgOU7v3Cc5QG6O7k7mruw/s1600/crabby.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" fea="true" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_7vl5xwvJrE-wM6KO8ByDqQAhHFCfcgqxvaMvxLTJefKS4Od_4-tISAcKQCu1MSc_2zQ65AiIP3gfQiKIrbfIDoSCPHThxOb8cpi9XmTLVhSGwWOruRBC85KgOU7v3Cc5QG6O7k7mruw/s320/crabby.gif" width="240" /></a>and my head feels like exploding</div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
and my room is too small</div>
and my ankles don't like my feet<br />
and my hair hurts<br />
and my fingers refuse to listen to me<br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
and my big toe itches</div>
and nothing fits<br />
<br />
and<br />
<br />
i<br />
<br />
am<br />
<br />
crabby<br />
<br />
<br />
and some days are just like that!<br />
laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460053084122885972noreply@blogger.com0