be the change you wish to see

about a week ago i wrote about change and how it happens and how hard it is. i was referring to internal change- a behavior or an attitude or outlook.

today it's about change again.



Susan is in the stripes on the right and
 I am in the back on the left without glasses

 my life is about to change as i know it. May 1st my oldest sister-Susan- is moving into my household.
she brings with her a suitcase full of medications
a cane
a walker
an oxygen machine
and her little dog Chloe

Susan is only 54 but has a lot of health problems- mental and physical health problems and she can't live alone anymore. we had a trial run this past week. you see she wanted to get her affairs in order while she was feeling pretty good. so she stopped at my brother's office and got him working on her will and power of medical attorney. then she picked out the funeral home she wanted and made an appointment to discuss her funeral arrangements and get things paid for....

and so many people tell me what a saint i am for doing this what a good person and how kind and....
and i am not- i am her sister and she has no place else to go.  we're family. mom used to say whenever we had to do something we really didn't want to do or made us uncomfortable that someday we'd get our reward in heaven....
i'm not looking for a reward in heaven. i'm not looking for sainthood. i'm just doing what's right. no one should have to die alone.
i was born and raised a catholic. i don't go to church anymore and practice catholicism anymore. but i do have faith. strong faith in something bigger and better than me.


this situation with my sister made me think about current events in the world
 
disasters strike, people loose their homes, their loved ones even their own lives. kids are left orphaned and people are left hopeless, helpless and depressed.
this is just my own personal opinion but i feel that many people find it easier to help a perfect stranger than someone in their own family. how many times have you said let me know if i can do anything while secretly hoping that person never will.
text a $10 donation to the red cross and never have to interact with another human.
if the sermon  moves you enough throw a couple of bucks into the extra collection for the poor....and so on and so forth
when it comes right down to it how many people are actually willing to DO something?

i texted my $10 dollar donation to the red cross for Japan.
i threw a couple of dollars into the collection plate and left.
i can't take the next flight to Hati and help rebuild and i can't do anything more for Japan but i can do somehting right here in my own house. taking my sister in won't put an end to hunger nor will it be the impetus for world peace. what it will do is make a difference in the life of one woman- my sister- and in doing that maybe it will make a difference in the lives of her two daughters and maybe in turn it will make a difference in the lives of their four sons....and so on and so forth...and maybe i can be the change i wish to see in the world...

change

change is a scary word.

there are 38 different ways to use the word. verb, noun, idiom...the definition that i am referring to is this one: to become different:... to become altered or modified... to become transformed

when someone close to you changes it can be difficult to accept. it can make you question their motives and maybe even re-examine your life. when you try to change a facet of your personalty or a behavior it's a big risk. some people in your life refuse to accept the idea that you are changing. they can be very detrimental to your progress and may even sabotage your efforts.

change is not easy. but it's necessary. think about it- if nothing ever changed- life would be stagnant.

i'm not dead yet...have i ever told you that my mother had radar?

forget basic mother's intuition. the woman had radar. she KNEW the moment you stepped over the line and broke her rules. she also knew when you were trouble- emotionally, spiritually,mentally. one more thing i miss about her.

i grew up in a house full of women. i know i've mentioned it before and i am pretty sure i've talked about how they can DRIVE. ME. CRAZY...but i still love them. after all- they are family.

my younger sister-Jackie- called me first thing monday morning. no hello just- "OHMYGODI DREAMED YOUDIEDOFA HEARTATTACKLASTNIGHTTHANKGODYOUANSWEREDTHE PHONE!!!" (uh so am i?) she then proceeded to tell me about her dream and had all sorts of psychic interpretations for me because after all- Jackie knows way more about everything than i do. this was followed by a lecture about my health and habits and eating right and such and i'd better get to the DR asap! (it was nice talking to you too sister dear...gotta go someone just walked in) normally i would have argued with her and told her to butt out which would have created hurt feelings and a lot of snarky-ness...talking to this sister requires a lot of energy.

an hour later i get a text from my sister C...."i had stress dreams about you last night. everything ok?"

now this was weird. really weird. this has happened to me and C before.
now,before i go any further let me explain- i have two entirely different relationships with these two sisters- as if you couldn't tell huh?


when C speaks i listen. i texted her back to call me. you see i had a strange dream the night before too-only i don't get real stressed about my dreams -i think about the ones i can remember and then that's the end of it. we talked and compared our dreams. in C's dream we were shopping somewhere and became separated. she looked everywhere for me and couldn't find me. she called. sent texts. nothing. she was upset because she was afraid she'd lost me.  i responded quite calmly that maybe it was my time to go. she said- well yes, someday, but not now. in my dream i was walking around - i had passed on into a new life. i was me but not me. i knew who i was but no one else did. i wasn't scared or sad. just checking things out.

all of this got me to thinking. what did it mean? all three dreams? was there a connection? i don't believe in coincidences. i believe everything happens for a reason.  i think mom was trying to get my attention through these two sisters. you see if it had just been Jackie i would have blown it off. she also sent Cecelia with a message and i will generally listen to her with an open mind.

so what does it all mean? here's my take with a little help from a very dear friend:

i have been struggling a lot the past few months with who i am. letting go of some of the baggage i've been lugging around with me like Marley's chains. the time has come to say goodbye to that person. she's gone and that is why C couldn't find me. she was looking for the old me. i too had left the old me behind and was getting familiar with the new me. some people are going to accept me(Cecelia) and some people will never see the changes in me(Jackie). it's up to me how i engage with them. so i let Jackie have her moment and i had a good talk with Cecelia. hey mom? next time can you leave Jackie out of it please? i promise i'll listen.