lack of health insurance and i am so f#@king messed up

this weekend I am headed to Omaha to spend some time with my youngest daughter. she is in her third year at Creighton University. 
i feel guilty about it
- when my two oldest daughters were in college i rarely went to visit them.

why?
money - i was struggling to keep a roof over our head and spending the money on gas made me nervous
fear - driving into places that i am not familiar with and i am not a confident driver in the first place
trust- i did not trust my van that i would make it safely to and from my destination
health insurance- i didn't have any and if anything happened to me we would be wiped out which takes me back to the money worry...

i lived with the uninsured ax hanging over my head for ten years. for ten years i worried about get sick, or in an accident. i wouldn't go to the doctor.  my family was one medical catastrophe away from being homeless every day.

may 2005-hey you get a FREE mammogram if you don't have insurance and since you are over 40 you really should do it it's pretty routine- " Laura, the doctor sees something can you come back......next thing i know i am in a whirlwind of tests and appointments. one of the appointments was with the billing department of the hospital.

'how are you planning to pay for your procedure?'

'um, i don't know.' - i don't even know what "this" is. i have no idea what the test results are going to be and right now i can't even focus on how i am going to pay for it i am worried that if it's cancer how i am going to take care of my family ... when i left the office i was crying and scared and worried and when i got home i put on my brave face and told the kids this was just a routine follow up and not to worry...

when the kids were younger i didn't worry so much. i was brave and insured. we got lost driving to my sister's house once and i told them it was an adventure. when Carolyne was 2 we drove to Iowa City and spent the weekend with my younger sister. When Joshua was 3 he and I drove all over Western Iowa.and there were numerous trips to Aunt Sue's. but i was younger then.

and i had health insurance.
what about that time we drove to Colorado? same van, same money worries, same unknown territories- my older sister and brother -in- law were with us which gave me a sense of safety ( if anything bad happened they are both doctors) plus they offered to pay for the gas so we could go on the trip. (thank you for that)

so i am driving to Omaha this weekend. i am now equipped with a GPS. i have a very good reliable car. and money doesn't worry me anymore. i now have health insurance and i am anxious about the drive there. once i get there i will be fine. it's  the travel from here to there. i don't feel  as anxious traveling back home.

kelsey and carolyne- if you are reading this- i have health insurance now but i still can't get rid of the anxiety and fear from the years that i didn't have it. i don't trust it. i don't trust that if somehitng medically happened to me they ( the insurance company) would pay for it.

i am so f#@king messed up

my skin is too tight

and my head feels like exploding

and my room is too small

and my ankles don't like my feet
and my hair hurts
and my fingers refuse to listen to me

and my big toe itches

and nothing fits

and

i

am

crabby


and some days are just like that!

one day at a time

last night i was on top of the world with all these ideas and goals and today i don't want to be here and i don't want to do anything. is it the heat or is it depression creeping up on me? it's too hot to be depressed......

baby steps

break it down into manageable goals

yeah i know

i am leaving in twelve days for a vacation. driving to see my daughter and i'll be gone for 10 days. i should be excited - i am excited a little- i just can't get up the energy to get all the little things that need to get done before i go....one day at a time

that's what i tell kelsey all the time. easy advice to give harder to take for yourself.

so today? i will follow my food program and i will do 30 minutes of exercise when i get home from work

beyond that i don't know

so...like....yeah....................

may 4th was the last time i posted. that's because since then i have not had anytime to myself and it's beginning to show. i pretty much haven't been home on a weekend since then. it's been pretty stressful to say the least.

not all stress is bad stress you know. some of it is good stress - like everything that has been happening has been good stuff. but after awhile stress is stress- good or bad- and it starts to pile up and wear you down.

so even though right now my life is totally awesome my depression is creeping in and grabbing me by the ankles.

good stress-

daughter graduating from college and moving home

son graduating from high school

acting in a play in a town 30 miles away over 3 consecutive weekends

directing a play here in town with a cast of 40 middle schoolers

teaching classes from 9:30 am - 4:00 monday - friday

purchasing a business

moving said business into your business

remodeling the studio to fit above business

finishing a 4 piece commission

sending youngest daughter to Ecuador for 3 weeks

(where there is spotty Internet and cell reception)

getting son ready to leave for college

(getting emotionally ready to send son to college)

oldest daughter turned 25







        yeah....

 stress.....

since may 4th my eczema has been out of control

i can't sleep

my appetite sucks

when i do eat it's junk

i am snapping at the people i love

i am crying- a lot

i am so tired i want to sleep for a hundred years but would settle for 20

august 3rd i am locking the door to the studio and driving out to new york to see my oldest daughter. i am looking forward to the down time. i am also worried about being closed for two weeks. but then i also realize that if i don't do something soon i'm going to break.

it's a dark day

even though the sun is shining and it is a perfect spring day.

dark days can happen at any time and strike.

on my deep dark days all i want to do is hide someplace. and cry.

what i wouldn't give to just cry, and cry and cry....

last week I saw the pelicans flying overhead (or scelipans as Carolyne would call them)

next weekend is Mother's Day

it's time to open up the cabin for summer

and i have a lot on my mind.

i really miss you mom. really, really

what kind of world you wish for?

that song just played on my radio and i thought-
what kind of world WOULD i wish for?

good question- and like many good questions where does one start with an answer?

so i thought about it for a bit and all i could think of was this:

“If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. … We need not wait to see what others do.” Gandhi

i wish the world would stop and think about what they are doing and the impact it has -

yeah- stop and think - that's is what i would wish for

won't give up

i have been very taken with the new jason mraz single "i won't give up" pretty powerful lyrics and message

and it got me to thinking about life and where i am and who i am

i am a woman who will fight for what i believe in

i will speak out loud for a cause

i am not seeking fame or fortune or popularity

i will fight for my family - against cancer, against insurance companies, against injustice

i support my children when they think for themselves and make their own decisions even if i don't agree

our differences shouldn't tear us apart it should bring us closer together

and my family is more than the people i am related to

i'm your friend till the bitter end

i won't give up