lack of health insurance and i am so f#@king messed up

this weekend I am headed to Omaha to spend some time with my youngest daughter. she is in her third year at Creighton University. 
i feel guilty about it
- when my two oldest daughters were in college i rarely went to visit them.

why?
money - i was struggling to keep a roof over our head and spending the money on gas made me nervous
fear - driving into places that i am not familiar with and i am not a confident driver in the first place
trust- i did not trust my van that i would make it safely to and from my destination
health insurance- i didn't have any and if anything happened to me we would be wiped out which takes me back to the money worry...

i lived with the uninsured ax hanging over my head for ten years. for ten years i worried about get sick, or in an accident. i wouldn't go to the doctor.  my family was one medical catastrophe away from being homeless every day.

may 2005-hey you get a FREE mammogram if you don't have insurance and since you are over 40 you really should do it it's pretty routine- " Laura, the doctor sees something can you come back......next thing i know i am in a whirlwind of tests and appointments. one of the appointments was with the billing department of the hospital.

'how are you planning to pay for your procedure?'

'um, i don't know.' - i don't even know what "this" is. i have no idea what the test results are going to be and right now i can't even focus on how i am going to pay for it i am worried that if it's cancer how i am going to take care of my family ... when i left the office i was crying and scared and worried and when i got home i put on my brave face and told the kids this was just a routine follow up and not to worry...

when the kids were younger i didn't worry so much. i was brave and insured. we got lost driving to my sister's house once and i told them it was an adventure. when Carolyne was 2 we drove to Iowa City and spent the weekend with my younger sister. When Joshua was 3 he and I drove all over Western Iowa.and there were numerous trips to Aunt Sue's. but i was younger then.

and i had health insurance.
what about that time we drove to Colorado? same van, same money worries, same unknown territories- my older sister and brother -in- law were with us which gave me a sense of safety ( if anything bad happened they are both doctors) plus they offered to pay for the gas so we could go on the trip. (thank you for that)

so i am driving to Omaha this weekend. i am now equipped with a GPS. i have a very good reliable car. and money doesn't worry me anymore. i now have health insurance and i am anxious about the drive there. once i get there i will be fine. it's  the travel from here to there. i don't feel  as anxious traveling back home.

kelsey and carolyne- if you are reading this- i have health insurance now but i still can't get rid of the anxiety and fear from the years that i didn't have it. i don't trust it. i don't trust that if somehitng medically happened to me they ( the insurance company) would pay for it.

i am so f#@king messed up