i'd catch a grenade for you

a year and a half after i got out of the hospital i was able to wean myself off anti-depressant medication
we thought maybe this was a one time episode and things were pretty good for a few years.....
then my dad dies-and the darkness creeps in a little bit...slowly...gradually

that's how it happens- things get a little overcast and cloudy- and you get used to it

you get so used to it that you don't remember what you were like before

suicide - now there is a pretty scary word with lots of bad mojo - kelsey says they are called passive thoughts. i have had these thoughts for years. wishing  i would just disappear and all memory of me wiped from everyone who ever met me - or wishing that i would go to sleep one night and never wake up - or driving down the highway and just crossing the center line in front of a semi...that one scared me most of all because i could SEE myself doing it.

but i didn't do it.

why?

Carolyne, Kelsey, Elizabeth and Joshua.

my children.

 my anchors.

i could not abandon them even when all i wanted to do was run far, far away.

watching kelsey struggle and work through her depressive episode i am watching her and wishing i could do it for her. take the pain for her so she could go back to that lively, engaging, sweet child i see glimpses of every now and again and i know how difficult it's going to get for her outside the lines

coming out

those of you who are close to me know what has been happening in my life the past few months. my daughter has fallen into the depression pit deeper than i have ever been. her pain was so intense she tried to end her life. thankfully it failed. how can i expect her to hold her head up high and keep going on with her life if i don't come clean about my own.

kelsey's suicide attempt placed her in a mental health ward in the hospital for a week. she is only 21.

i was 23 when i spent a week in a mental health ward in a hospital.

being on a psych ward is an oxymoron- truly- it is scary and safe at the same time-after all, you are the only sane person among people with PROBLEMS and you don't have any problems- well none that you are going to share with anyone and you really don't belong there......but really you do belong there and you do have problems

the doors are locked

you have no privacy

everything you say and do is being observed at all times

paranoia to some degree sets in

you are told when to wake up when to eat when to go to group when to take drugs when to sleep

it sucks. A LOT. and yet it is safe because you don't have to make any decisions and you don't have to think except when you are in talk therapy and you have to confront the demons that landed you there in the first place

but at the end of it i came out with a better understanding of what was going on inside me. i was given tools to use to help keep me from falling so deep into depression that i ended up on a psych ward again. i vowed it would never get that bad as i walked out the doors and they locked behind me.

outside the lines

My heart is a house

Miss Kesley- My heart is a house and you are home :)

and if there is room in my heart then there is room in my home- don't ever forget that

The lyrics of this Christina Perri song makes me think of Kelsey and all we have been though together the past 21 years...my arms will always be open for a hug and believe me when I say I will hold on for as long as you need me to. Love you, Mom

Arms

I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart

But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start

You put your arms around me

And I believe that it’s easier for you to let me go

You put your arms around me and I’m home

How many times will let you me change my mind and turn around

I can’t decide if I’ll let you save my life or if I’ll drown

I hope that you see right through my walls

I hope that you catch me, ’cause I’m already falling

I’ll never let a love get so close

You put your arms around me and I’m home

The world is coming down on me and I can’t find a reason to be loved

I never wanna leave you but I can’t make you bleed if I’m alone

You put your arms around me

And I believe that it’s easier for you to let me go

I hope that you see right through my walls

I hope that you catch me, ’cause I’m already falling

I’ll never let a love get so close

You put your arms around me and I’m home

I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth

And I’ve never opened up

I’ve never truly loved ‘Till you put your arms around me
And I believe that it’s easier for you to let me go

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, ’cause I’m already falling
I’ll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I’m home
You put your arms around me and I’m home

Christina Perri – Arms lyrics

" I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I'm not happy. I don't feel the way I'm supposed to feel. "



"I just don't understand Christmas, I guess. I like getting presents and sending Christmas cards and decorating trees and all that, but I'm still not happy. I always end up feeling depressed. "

disconnect

"i am sorry the number you have dialed has been disconnected or is temporally out of service. if you feel have reached this message in error please hang up and dial again...."

driving home from work last night i was behind a mini van and inside they were watching 'king fu panda' on their little dvd player

that bothered me

not kung fu panda - cute movie- it bothered me that there were probably children in that vehicle- being entertained by an electronic device

i am a mom- i have 4 kids- all grown up now and there were car trips when i wished there was something to keep them quiet and entertained -usually on long car trips

but then i thought about all the short trips around town with them and snippets of long ago conversations floated through my head

"mom- you need to turn here"
why?
"because the sun is in my nose and i don't like it"

"are we lost?"
no

"good, i am not sure i really want to go on an adventure right now"

"hey mom?'

yes?

"can i talk to you about something...."

hey parent in the van? maybe if you disconnect now you won't be disconnected from your children later- just saying'

car time is priceless

directionally challenged

why is that some people have this natural sense of where things are?
like some sort of internal GPS and no matter where they are the never seem to get lost?
not me
i am directionally challenged- this is not a comment on my stature- being only 5ft tall i think i have heard EVERY short joke. ever.

nope this is more like I get lost

easily

pretty weird for someone who always scored phenomenally well on the maps portion of the Iowa Tests of Basic Skills- OK so maybe not so weird when you consider i was not trying to read the map and drive at the same time.
i will be headed to Omaha this weekend to spend some time with Biz and it is causing some anxiety because i am not real familiar with the Omaha area and after awhile all cities start to look alike and what you thought was a landmark was really something you saw in another city

it all makes me crazy

so, if i don't post again it's because i got lost going into Omaha and ended up in the wilds of South Dakota and got attacked by a wild flesh eating Jackalope. (those critters are dangerous)

there's a hole in the bottom of my cup

it's too tiny to see but every time i take a drink there are a couple of drops of iced tea on my desk
i keep wiping them away

but they keep coming back

sort of like depression

you can't see it

but it's there and i keep trying to wipe it away

but it keeps coming back
little drops of me getting wiped away
until what?
until there's nothing left?
i poured my iced tea into a different cup
problem solved

why isn't there isn't an easy fix for what's inside of me?