my skin is too tight

and my head feels like exploding

and my room is too small

and my ankles don't like my feet
and my hair hurts
and my fingers refuse to listen to me

and my big toe itches

and nothing fits

and

i

am

crabby


and some days are just like that!

one day at a time

last night i was on top of the world with all these ideas and goals and today i don't want to be here and i don't want to do anything. is it the heat or is it depression creeping up on me? it's too hot to be depressed......

baby steps

break it down into manageable goals

yeah i know

i am leaving in twelve days for a vacation. driving to see my daughter and i'll be gone for 10 days. i should be excited - i am excited a little- i just can't get up the energy to get all the little things that need to get done before i go....one day at a time

that's what i tell kelsey all the time. easy advice to give harder to take for yourself.

so today? i will follow my food program and i will do 30 minutes of exercise when i get home from work

beyond that i don't know

so...like....yeah....................

may 4th was the last time i posted. that's because since then i have not had anytime to myself and it's beginning to show. i pretty much haven't been home on a weekend since then. it's been pretty stressful to say the least.

not all stress is bad stress you know. some of it is good stress - like everything that has been happening has been good stuff. but after awhile stress is stress- good or bad- and it starts to pile up and wear you down.

so even though right now my life is totally awesome my depression is creeping in and grabbing me by the ankles.

good stress-

daughter graduating from college and moving home

son graduating from high school

acting in a play in a town 30 miles away over 3 consecutive weekends

directing a play here in town with a cast of 40 middle schoolers

teaching classes from 9:30 am - 4:00 monday - friday

purchasing a business

moving said business into your business

remodeling the studio to fit above business

finishing a 4 piece commission

sending youngest daughter to Ecuador for 3 weeks

(where there is spotty Internet and cell reception)

getting son ready to leave for college

(getting emotionally ready to send son to college)

oldest daughter turned 25







        yeah....

 stress.....

since may 4th my eczema has been out of control

i can't sleep

my appetite sucks

when i do eat it's junk

i am snapping at the people i love

i am crying- a lot

i am so tired i want to sleep for a hundred years but would settle for 20

august 3rd i am locking the door to the studio and driving out to new york to see my oldest daughter. i am looking forward to the down time. i am also worried about being closed for two weeks. but then i also realize that if i don't do something soon i'm going to break.

it's a dark day

even though the sun is shining and it is a perfect spring day.

dark days can happen at any time and strike.

on my deep dark days all i want to do is hide someplace. and cry.

what i wouldn't give to just cry, and cry and cry....

last week I saw the pelicans flying overhead (or scelipans as Carolyne would call them)

next weekend is Mother's Day

it's time to open up the cabin for summer

and i have a lot on my mind.

i really miss you mom. really, really

what kind of world you wish for?

that song just played on my radio and i thought-
what kind of world WOULD i wish for?

good question- and like many good questions where does one start with an answer?

so i thought about it for a bit and all i could think of was this:

“If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. … We need not wait to see what others do.” Gandhi

i wish the world would stop and think about what they are doing and the impact it has -

yeah- stop and think - that's is what i would wish for

won't give up

i have been very taken with the new jason mraz single "i won't give up" pretty powerful lyrics and message

and it got me to thinking about life and where i am and who i am

i am a woman who will fight for what i believe in

i will speak out loud for a cause

i am not seeking fame or fortune or popularity

i will fight for my family - against cancer, against insurance companies, against injustice

i support my children when they think for themselves and make their own decisions even if i don't agree

our differences shouldn't tear us apart it should bring us closer together

and my family is more than the people i am related to

i'm your friend till the bitter end

i won't give up

it needs to be said

this was the status on a friend's facebook page today ...
 

Things that are hard to say but are entirely good to say:

 

 

 

pretty insightful for an 18 year old - and oh so wise