Happiness is......

"I think I'm afraid to be happy, because whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens."--Charlie Brown

the polyesters must die

I know it sounds harsh but there it is. I am a part of the blue jeans generation. I have been wearing Lee jeans for decades. Why? Because they fit! Finding the perfect fit for jeans is like finding the perfect bra.

Fit

Comfort

Style

These are VERY IMPORTANT.  So when you find a pair of jeans that meets all of these criteria you buy them. And you wear them until the literally fall apart. I have worn jeans that were held together with safety pins and patches because they were comfortable and they fit.

Jeans are like your best friend- you know that no matter what they will always be just what you need. So having a pair get to the unwearable stage can be pretty traumatic. I wasn't too worried because I had my trusty Lee jeans that fit just right every time -even new off the shelf. So when I had to retire two pairs recently because I couldn't fix them anymore I went to Penny's and picked up 2 new pairs. (Did I mention that I am short - like only 5' tall?) I have been buying my jeans at Penny's for years because they carry my size in short (which means a 29" inseam which is still 2" too long but I can deal with it because it's better than 6" too long)

So, fast forward a couple weeks. My new jeans are driving me nuts. It's a gradual thing. I'd put them on and they'd be OK but as the day wore on I'd start to get cranky and tense because my skin was too tight. Next day an old pair is next in the stack and I'd have a pretty good day. Maybe it's menopause and hot flashes. Another week goes by and I have washed, dried and folded my stack of jeans and the two pairs of new jeans are back to back. By the end of the second day of wearing the new jeans I want to rip someones head off while I am trying to rip off chunks of skin form my legs because they itch so bad.

First thing I do is go and check out the laundry soap. Hubs brought home the same brand I have been using for years- Arm and Hammer because I have very sensitive skin and am allergic to perfumes and dyes. Nope- same stuff. Something BAD is going on. meanwhile my legs look like I have some serious mysterious disease and I am CRABBY!

Finally I check my new jeans. PISSED! They changed the fiber content on me! 70% Cotton and 30% POLYESTER!!!!! (Insert unladylike 4 letter word here) I am allergic to polyester. I just spent $60 for two pairs of jeans that I can't wear. It never occured to me that my favorite blue jeans would chnage their fiber content. UGH!  I can't return them to Penny's- they've been washed and worn several times and I don't have my recipt! So I went to the Lee's website to see what I could find and they have a live chat feature on their website so you can get the perfect fit. I logged in and explained my problem to Marilyn. After a brief exchange Marilyn gave me the 800 customer service number. I called right away and MARILYN answered the phone. She was awesome and explained why they changed the fiber content. I told her about my problem with that and she graciously took down all my information- name address phone number- so she could call me back after she checked some of the 100% COTTON old stock they have to see if she could find me two pairs to replace the new ones I bought.   SHE IS SENDING ME TWO NEW PAIRS OUT TODAY!!!!! 100% COTTON!

umbrella

it's a funny word. sometimes i look at a word and then i really LOOK at it and it gets me to thinking....
which lead me to looking up "umbrella"

"Parasol" from "para" meaning to stop or to shield and "sol" meaning sun. The word "umbrella" evolved from the Latin "umbella" (an "umbel" is a flat-topped rounded flower) or "umbra", meaning "shaded."
thank you Wikipedia

an umbrella is supposed to shield you from the rain - or in the case of a parasol shade you from the sun

shield

protect

cover

guard

from the rain and the sun and sometimes it can be used as a means to protect you from a hostile situation

i like umbrellas. it's a cocoon of portable personal space. you can listen to the rain drops on top and see them drip off the sides. a parasol is the same way-you claim your own personal space of shade- like a bubble. and it's cozy there. yeah- umbrella

roots and wings

There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings.  Hodding Carter

kelsey and i talked about this quote while she was in the hospital. as a mom i focused on giving my children a strong sense of family and home. home is where you can be yourself and know that you are loved no matter what. i have also given my children wings to fly - to look at life and say why not? to try new and different things and if they don't work and things get kind of weird you can always go back to your roots and re-group.

that doesn't mean you give up or quit trying -it just means you get to recharge your batteries. kelsey is fortunate she has a place to go home to where she can recharge. my parents died young. i can't go back to my roots and re-group or ask for advice or anything like that. it sucks.

i have people to talk to - but not like my parents. and i get well intentioned words from very good friends that i can always talk to them but they just answer in different ways. yeah i know that. BUT- it's not the same and some days there is no comfort in that AT.ALL. so instead of having roots i drift.

if mom were here right now i'd ask her how to help kelsey and her sibs process the past few weeks. how to get kelsey back on track. how to get josh to see beyond his insecurities about college and just try out for the speech/debate team. right now these two kids have their wings clipped because they are afraid to fly. biz - my not very brave but wonderfully charming biz is bound and determined to go to Ecuador as a volunteer for three weeks this summer. BY. HER. SELF. she won't know any of the other volunteers. this is huge for her. really huge. and carolyne is out there in the real world making her own decisions with out parental support for the first time. like buying a car and getting a loan all on her own. scary but -she is doing well.

baby birds don't fly unless you push them out of the nest. some just need a firmer nudge than others.

 outside the lines

i'd catch a grenade for you

a year and a half after i got out of the hospital i was able to wean myself off anti-depressant medication
we thought maybe this was a one time episode and things were pretty good for a few years.....
then my dad dies-and the darkness creeps in a little bit...slowly...gradually

that's how it happens- things get a little overcast and cloudy- and you get used to it

you get so used to it that you don't remember what you were like before

suicide - now there is a pretty scary word with lots of bad mojo - kelsey says they are called passive thoughts. i have had these thoughts for years. wishing  i would just disappear and all memory of me wiped from everyone who ever met me - or wishing that i would go to sleep one night and never wake up - or driving down the highway and just crossing the center line in front of a semi...that one scared me most of all because i could SEE myself doing it.

but i didn't do it.

why?

Carolyne, Kelsey, Elizabeth and Joshua.

my children.

 my anchors.

i could not abandon them even when all i wanted to do was run far, far away.

watching kelsey struggle and work through her depressive episode i am watching her and wishing i could do it for her. take the pain for her so she could go back to that lively, engaging, sweet child i see glimpses of every now and again and i know how difficult it's going to get for her outside the lines

coming out

those of you who are close to me know what has been happening in my life the past few months. my daughter has fallen into the depression pit deeper than i have ever been. her pain was so intense she tried to end her life. thankfully it failed. how can i expect her to hold her head up high and keep going on with her life if i don't come clean about my own.

kelsey's suicide attempt placed her in a mental health ward in the hospital for a week. she is only 21.

i was 23 when i spent a week in a mental health ward in a hospital.

being on a psych ward is an oxymoron- truly- it is scary and safe at the same time-after all, you are the only sane person among people with PROBLEMS and you don't have any problems- well none that you are going to share with anyone and you really don't belong there......but really you do belong there and you do have problems

the doors are locked

you have no privacy

everything you say and do is being observed at all times

paranoia to some degree sets in

you are told when to wake up when to eat when to go to group when to take drugs when to sleep

it sucks. A LOT. and yet it is safe because you don't have to make any decisions and you don't have to think except when you are in talk therapy and you have to confront the demons that landed you there in the first place

but at the end of it i came out with a better understanding of what was going on inside me. i was given tools to use to help keep me from falling so deep into depression that i ended up on a psych ward again. i vowed it would never get that bad as i walked out the doors and they locked behind me.

outside the lines

My heart is a house

Miss Kesley- My heart is a house and you are home :)

and if there is room in my heart then there is room in my home- don't ever forget that

The lyrics of this Christina Perri song makes me think of Kelsey and all we have been though together the past 21 years...my arms will always be open for a hug and believe me when I say I will hold on for as long as you need me to. Love you, Mom

Arms

I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart

But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start

You put your arms around me

And I believe that it’s easier for you to let me go

You put your arms around me and I’m home

How many times will let you me change my mind and turn around

I can’t decide if I’ll let you save my life or if I’ll drown

I hope that you see right through my walls

I hope that you catch me, ’cause I’m already falling

I’ll never let a love get so close

You put your arms around me and I’m home

The world is coming down on me and I can’t find a reason to be loved

I never wanna leave you but I can’t make you bleed if I’m alone

You put your arms around me

And I believe that it’s easier for you to let me go

I hope that you see right through my walls

I hope that you catch me, ’cause I’m already falling

I’ll never let a love get so close

You put your arms around me and I’m home

I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth

And I’ve never opened up

I’ve never truly loved ‘Till you put your arms around me
And I believe that it’s easier for you to let me go

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, ’cause I’m already falling
I’ll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I’m home
You put your arms around me and I’m home

Christina Perri – Arms lyrics