colored bright and sprinkled with glitter

the opposite of depressed is manic
i have been in a manic phase the past few weeks- it doesn't happen often
in fact I can't remember the last time i was manic

i have been painting, knitting, sewing, collaging and creating
i can't turn my brain off
so many ideas are floating in my head

sketched onto papers
roughed out on canvas

pieces of that idea over there
parts of this one over here

the stuff leaning against the wall is important
take that home to have james cut it down

where did I put the______
glue
scissors
pencils
markers
tape
ribbon
brushes
....all of the above

poor james
he has never witnessed this part of my depression
i can't sleep and when i do it's restless and keeps him awake

but i don't want to DO anything to change this manic episode- i am creating such wonderful pieces
right now my world is filled with colors and shapes and textures

and  if i try to fix it and level out again
the creative ideas will stop
and i will just trudge through my gray life again

to my 14 year old self....

i work with a lot of kids on a daily basis
and because my classroom is a relaxed stress free environment i am privy to conversations with kids that most people aren't- things they worry about
the daily drama
the insecurities
if you could go back in time as your are now and give your 10 year old, 14 year old, 17 year old etc... self advice what would it be?

to my 14 year old self: you are an amazing and creative person with too many pictures in your head - start drawing- every day- get those pictures and ideas out onto paper. they don't need to be perfect nor do they need to be finished masterpieces. fill as many books and pads as you can with sketches and ideas - never stop observing and stop apologizing for not being good enough. you are enough of everything and more.

bringing back sexy

i'm not sure or how it happened but somewhere along the way i lost my sexy
before you get all feminist in my face go check the link to the thesaurus on the word sexy ok?
i used to wear fun clothes
and flirty hair
and i had my own style

somewhere along the way i lost it

my oldest best friend's daughter has an online clothing boutique called "Hello Holiday"
wonderful clothing, shoes, accessories.....but one thing bothered me....i got this sense that fun and fashion and style sort of stops after 30

ok so maybe these two women haven't hit 30 yet

and when you are in your 20's a person in their 50's is like OLD as in- your mother's age!

but here i am at 52

inside somewhere buried deep- i'm still 24 and fun

i'm a few pounds and 4 babies bigger than i was at 24 but that
fun
 sexy
 vibrant
person is in there- somewhere

i am coaxing her out - in little bits- two weeks ago i bought some skinny jeans to wear this fall with my brown flat leather boots- nothing too drastic-

today i ordered a pair of shoes to also wear with my skinny jeans and a cute little cardigan sweater to wear over a cami  from Hello Holliday


i know i will have a tummy roll - flat belly will never return
but i don't care!

i'm going to kick up these heels
put my red lipstick on
and go dancing

and bring back my sexy

guilt free- almost

i was spending time on Pinterest and looking at all these DIY projects from up cycled wooden pallets to garden tips to making environmentally friends cleaning supplies
it was exhausting
yes ~ i should plant a garden- home grown produce would be much better for me
i should make my own cleaning supplies because it's better for everyone
and recycle
and up cycle
and ...
it all makes me feel guilty
guilt is a great motivator - at least that's what i've been told-  and the nuns tried really hard to play the guilt card every chance they got
i do recycle- to the point of being militant about it
i do up cycle- walk into the studio and there is quite a stash of materials ready to be up-cycled into something new
about the gardening- there just aren't enough hours in the day for me-
so it's farmers market for me this summer- I will be there selling bracelets for JDRF for my granddaughter Norah who has type 1 diabetes
and while i'm there i will buy fresh produce - that's ok right? instead of growing it myself

think about it

i collect quotes. i have notebooks filled with passages that i have come across in reading books, or surfing the net, tshirts, bumper stickers- if it strikes a chord with me i will write it down because i want to remember it. 

i put this one in my quotes folder on my computer awhile ago.

 

 

lots to think about

june 15, 2001

my mother was a reader and i grew up in a house with books and newspapers- magazines not so much- but many books
a trip to the library once a week was part of our summer routine - it was also a well organized event- an hour before we were due to depart each one of us was required to gather all of our books- granted she only allowed us to check out 4 books each (and when you multiply that times 6-7 kids that's a lot of books!)
each of us was responsible for our own books
i kept mine on the bottom shelf of the book case in my bedroom - that way I always knew where they were
once in awhile some of us would pool our books together and make check out cards for the books and play library- yep we were just that cool

organized people make lists- and since my mother was VERY organized she was quite the list maker


i was looking in one of my file cabinets yesterday and i found these

 

i forgot i had them

they are the notebooks of lists she kept of books she wanted to read

and books she had read

 when she died

she was on notebook number 16 of books she had read and there were 45 books on her list of books to read

 

 

 



sometimes you just have to do it

i told james the other day that i really need \
to run away
just for a weekend
i don't want to see anyone
talk to anyone
or do anything
i just want to be
alone
so i can just be

on the spectrum

today is world autism awareness day

what is autism and autism spectrum?

"Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and autism are both general terms for a group of complex disorders of brain development. These disorders are characterized, in varying degrees, by difficulties in social interaction, verbal and nonverbal communication and repetitive behaviors. They include autistic disorder, Rett syndrome, childhood disintegrative disorder, pervasive developmental disorder-not otherwise specified (PDD-NOS) and Asperger syndrome." autismspeaks.org

my daughter and my nephew are on the autistic spectrum- they are very smart and talented and misunderstood by their peers. they don't form long lasting friendships because they are "different" which is really sad because they are so giving and creative.

"Each individual with autism is unique. Many of those on the autism spectrum have exceptional abilities in visual skills, music and academic skills. About 40 percent have average to above average intellectual abilities. Indeed, many persons on the spectrum take deserved pride in their distinctive abilities and “atypical” ways of viewing the world."  autismspeaks.org

my daughter graduated with a bachelors degree in psychology and a bachelors degree in art. my nephew was accepted to Penn State main campus.

my older brother Timmy was autistic too. he died in 1973 of peritonitis. by the time i was born he was living in a state institution. my memories of him are kind of hazy. from stories told by my parents and my other older siblings i know that Timmy was a beautiful healthy child- very outgoing and social until around 18 months. he seemed to just disconnect from the world.

"Others with autism have significant disability and are unable to live independently. About 25 percent of individuals with ASD are nonverbal but can learn to communicate using other means."  autismspeaks.org

what causes autism?
not long ago the answer would have been "we have no idea" Now we know there is no one cause just as there is no one type of autism.

"Over the last five years, scientists have identified a number of rare gene changes, or mutations, associated with autism. A small number of these are sufficient to cause autism by themselves. Most cases of autism, however, appear to be caused by a combination of autism risk genes and environmental factors influencing early brain development." autismspeaks.org

when my mother was pregnant with Timmy she was in a car accident. a drunk driver hit the broadside of her car.  she swore that this was the reason why Timmy was autistic.

when i was pregnant with my daughter it was a normal pregnancy and i was in the best physical shape i had ever been in.  in my 8th month i got a severe sinus infection and took some nasty medication for it.

"don't worry- it won't hurt the baby"

"In the presence of a genetic predisposition to autism, a number of nongenetic, or “environmental,” stresses appear to further increase a child’s risk. The clearest evidence of these autism risk factors involves events before and during birth. They include advanced parental age at time of conception (both mom and dad), maternal illness during pregnancy and certain difficulties during birth, particularly those involving periods of oxygen deprivation to the baby’s brain. It is important to keep in mind that these factors, by themselves, do not cause autism. Rather, in combination with genetic risk factors, they appear to modestly increase risk." autismspeaks.org

makes me wonder

carry on

it's not the overcast sky
it's not the snow
it's not the cold
i don't know what it is but I can't seem to shake this feeling
this deep deep sadness that colors everything i do in shades of gray
i'm moving in slow motion -standing outside my self looking in
disconnected
so very, very tired
deadlines , people counting on me to deliver
needing me- always needing me
what do i need?
i don't know


this is depression talking
i know the seductive sound of its voice
i know the comfort of its darkness
i know i have to stop this feeling


i know
carry on
keep going
i know

for my son

 

let it go and move on

i love you

words

words have a lot of power
you can use them to create or destroy
words can give you comfort
make you think
make you cry
laugh
smile
frown

this last stay in the hospital for my daughter for her mental illness got me to thinking about words
she expressed a desire to read something each day and to reflect on it- maybe it would help keep her out of the darkness
she suggested the Bible- i don't have anything against the bible but it can be pretty thick and heavy with words and sometimes there are too many words

i went looking for some kind of book i could give her that wasn't all Hallmark card- you know?
i came up empty

maybe i should write my own book

i have been collecting quotes, words of wisdom, passages from books for years. i write them down in a notebook ( i am on my 4th notebook since i started)  now i have a board on Pinterest dedicated to them.

if you are reading this can you take a moment and write down words you use to help you get through a rough patch
words that make you think
get you back on track

here's one of my favorites:

"there is no such thing as a problem

without a gift for you in its hands.

You seek the problems 

because you need

their gifts"

Richard Bach 

 



how's it going Laura?

facebook asks me that everyday

how's it going Laura?
since you asked i'll tell you -even though i know you really don't give a fuck
 but i can pretend you do

i can't sleep at night
because i am afraid that when i wake up my daughter will have killed herself because she needs help for her mental illness and every time i try to get her help i get smacked down

 the system would rather she was dead than alive and getting help - one less fucked up person to deal with - only this fucked up person is a college graduate with two bachelors degrees

i can't sleep at night
 because my son made an immature stupid mistake and now it's going to affect the rest of his life
he's 18 - EIGHTEEN - his mistake caused no harm to anyone but himself
but still 18 and basically fucked
people do stupid things at 18 and now the system is telling me he's lost his job -for the next 5 years- he needs to work this summer so he can afford go back to college next fall
yeah- my son is not a loser - he's getting a college education so he can be a productive member of society -
 working his way through college so he doesn't end up in debt- oh and by the way make sure you get your selective service form filled out because the system can and will send you away to get murdered on behalf of your country
the system says fuck you  all around

i can't sleep at night because i am so angry
that's how it's going

spiritual desert

something is missing from my life. the busier my life gets the farther away i seem to be getting from my spiritual center. i am not a sit in church once a week and listen to someone preach at me kind of person. i am more of a reflective person.
which can be a bad thing when you are depressed. reflect too much on the negatives in your life and you end up falling into the pit.
i need to learn to meditate.
really meditate
i am not sure i have enough self discipline to learn on my own
maybe i do- i haven't tried yet

something to think about

change of habit

i joined a 30 day challenge that my daughter put together for the new year. she is part of Isagenix .
i have used their products before and the results are great and they are lasting results. but i can't seem to make it a habit
i thought being accountable to someone else would help me with my goals- i'm not in it for the money or the prizes i am in it for the habit

yep- i am a creature of habit- as humans we all are and anyone who has developed a habit knows how hard it is to break

for years i bit my nails and yet i would buy nail polish and try and make them look pretty because i think painted nails are kinda sexy and they make me feel good. i conquered that habit - not over night - but in time(years). now i have nails i am proud of and i get them done once a month and it makes me feel GOOD about myself.

feeling good about myself-

lately the voices in my head have been very negative and
VERY LOUD
so loud i can't hear anything else

 your art sucks

you're worthless

you don't do enough

you're fat

and ugly

and unlovable

and

SHUT UP!

i am taking baby steps on changing some habits - no more McDonald's drive thru before work monday - friday - if i feel like it on saturday it's ok
keeping a project threaded on the loom at all times - so far that habit has produced three beautiful scarves
replacing my afternoon cookie craving with some hot cinnamon/honey tea
wearing lipstick because you just can't feel ugly with a little lipstick on

be the change i wish to see