the beauty of a woman

"The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman is seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It's the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows & the beauty of a woman only grows with passing years. ~"


— Audrey Hepburn

the blessings list

back in september i wrote about the bucket list - you know that list of things you want to do before you kick the bucket. i am 49 years old- it has been bothering me that i will be 50 in 6 months...
FIFTY-(that's a scary number)
so i thought of all the things i want to accomplish and that got me to thinking how i got to where and who i am

right now
today

so i have come up with a blessing list- i have been blessed with so much in my life that when i focus on the hamster wheel of everyday living i forget...so here's my list

• a strong supportive yet at times annoying family and parents who gave me roots and wings
• lifelong friends - you know the ones you can call at 4 am and they will talk to you
• carolyne, kelsey, elizabeth and joshua
• cookies- the person who made the first cookie should be honored with their own national holiday
• the two men who have loved me enough to marry me and put up with me- both are uniquely special 
• the one who got away

so what have i done for 50 years?
dropped out of college,ran my own business,got married,had 4 kids,got divorced,published a book,got married again....

ok...but-



but....i have walked down Drury Lane looking for the Muffin Man

stood in Westminster Abbey~the sacred space of kings, queens, statesmen, poets, priests, hero's and villains

left a tuppence on the steps of St Paul's for the birds

walked up Edinburgh Rock and looked out over the Pentland Hills



on the terrace at teresina's house



walking down the street in Belsito, Italy



i ate tarallis as I walked the streets of Belsito, Italy- the birthplace of my family - and shared an afternoon meal with my cousin Teresina Porco and her family

i have stood among hundreds of butterflies and felt them landing like a wish upon my person....been moved to tears by the beauty of carolyne's voice as she sang...laughed in a sudden summer rain shower and celebrated it...used up all the pink sidewalk chalk with my granddaughter...experienced sunsets, moon rises, ocean views, and lazy lake days.... it's all good.



???

One World One Heart

as i wander through the blogisphere i have met some amazing people. this world wide web does indeed make each one of us global. sometimes that is easy to forget. one person can make a difference. five years ago Lisa Swifka started world wide events for bloggers only. she was looking for a way for us to connect. i know in my journey i have often wondered if anyone "out there" is listening.  this is what Lisa has to say about the event:

"It gives all those who blog a chance to meet and mingle and form connections with those they may not have otherwise met from all over the world. In the past 4 years this event has grown to over 1,000 participants with lasting friendships (and even one love connection) formed along the way.  Think of it as a GIGANTIC open house allowing you to travel without ever leaving your home........going from blog to blog(in various countries) seeing the wonder each one has created and meeting all the fabulous people behind those blogs. "

now how cool is that? as a bonus for participating each blogger will offer up a door prize to a random person who stopped by your blog said hello and took a peek inside your world.

the One World One Heart event begins januuary 30th and ends february 17th with the announcement of prize winners from each blog.

care less?

this was the facebook status of a page i follow.
yesterday's status was "give a damn"

both statements seem to be poles apart. give a damn. that means you should care right? and care less means you shouldn't spend so much time caring....

or does it?

give a damn.  yep, I googled it. and i am glad i did because i found this incredible website dedicated to equality. equality. nice word...so nice in fact that the founding fathers of the United Sates of America made it a primary point of our Declaration of Independence.

" all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness—That to secure these Rights, Governments are instituted among Men.”

and some people are more equal than others...which is wrong.  black, white, gay, straight, catholic, muslim, jew, far left, far right and everything in between.

ALL ARE CREATED EQUAL.

so....care less....care less about what? how about we care more and give a damn.



believe

according to the dictionary believe means-to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so....

there are a lot of 'should believes' in my live. these came from parents and teachers and religious personnel.and over the past 30 years i have examined quite a few of those. i kept the ones that really resonated with my soul and discarded the ones that didn't.

i don't go to a church anymore. not because i do not believe in god but because i do not believe in the institution of god. god is more than a building and the bible and preachers. we were each created in the image and likeness of god so god must be a 49 year old woman. i am god and god is me. and i respect that and celebrate that everyday.

every year in my art classes someone will bring up Santa Claus. and the big question is do you believe. YES! i say. some of them look at me with a smirk that suggests i am an adult humoring a child. not so.

i DO believe in Santa. i believe in the essence of what he stands for. giving, kindness and generosity...why wouldn't i believe in that?

here are a few more things i believe in....you may or may not agree with me and that is OK~

i believe that there are no coincidences in this world. every person, all the events of my life, are there because i have drawn them there and it's up to me what to do with them.

i also believe that there is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. we seek problems because we need their gifts. which correlates to the earlier statement about coincidences. everyday i wake up in the morning is a gift.


i believe that the opposite of loneliness is intimacy- imagine not having a close personal relationship with another person. i'm not talking sex here. i am talking emotional intimacy.

i believe that reality is based on perspective and being respectful of another's perspective is a key element to peace.  (tolerance....)

i believe that love really is the answer. we have just forgotten what the question was.

what do you believe in? i mean really believe all the way down to your toes believe.

i still believe in love

my last post may have seemed a little dark to some of you. i did not mean it to be at all. i am sure you could read it and think that i have a cynical view of love.

not true.

love is the most simple and complex human emotion there is.love has been the subject and inspiration for poets, artists and musicians for centuries. what is love? it is one of the strongest emotions a person can feel. and also the most difficult thing to define.

i have loved and i do love. my heart has been broken and i have broken hearts. and yet no matter what i believe in love.

I still Believe in Love
(Marvin Hamlisch/Carole Bayer Sager)
After all the tears I've cried

You'd think I would give up on love
Get off this line
But maybe I might get it right this time

I was there as passion turned to pain
Sunshine turned to rainy days
Yet here I am
Ready to begin once again

All my life I've been a dreamer
Dreamin' dreams that always broke in two
But I still believe in love
And I love believing
Maybe you can make my dreams come true

Here content with who I am
I'm reachin' out my hand to him
Once again
At least I know I've made myself a friend

All my life I've been a dreamer
Dreamin' dreams that never quite came true
But I still believe in love
And I love believing
I'll keep on dreaming
Because I still believe in love
I still believe in love
And me
And you
I still believe in love

"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love." - Sophocles


 

one thing leads to another

i'm working on an art exchange with a valentine theme and as i was looking for words of inspiration i came across this quote by author  Neil Gaiman

... it made me sit and think for awhile....

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

...interesting

doodling

i'm not dead yet...have i ever told you that my mother had radar?

forget basic mother's intuition. the woman had radar. she KNEW the moment you stepped over the line and broke her rules. she also knew when you were trouble- emotionally, spiritually,mentally. one more thing i miss about her.

i grew up in a house full of women. i know i've mentioned it before and i am pretty sure i've talked about how they can DRIVE. ME. CRAZY...but i still love them. after all- they are family.

my younger sister-Jackie- called me first thing monday morning. no hello just- "OHMYGODI DREAMED YOUDIEDOFA HEARTATTACKLASTNIGHTTHANKGODYOUANSWEREDTHE PHONE!!!" (uh so am i?) she then proceeded to tell me about her dream and had all sorts of psychic interpretations for me because after all- Jackie knows way more about everything than i do. this was followed by a lecture about my health and habits and eating right and such and i'd better get to the DR asap! (it was nice talking to you too sister dear...gotta go someone just walked in) normally i would have argued with her and told her to butt out which would have created hurt feelings and a lot of snarky-ness...talking to this sister requires a lot of energy.

an hour later i get a text from my sister C...."i had stress dreams about you last night. everything ok?"

now this was weird. really weird. this has happened to me and C before.
now,before i go any further let me explain- i have two entirely different relationships with these two sisters- as if you couldn't tell huh?


when C speaks i listen. i texted her back to call me. you see i had a strange dream the night before too-only i don't get real stressed about my dreams -i think about the ones i can remember and then that's the end of it. we talked and compared our dreams. in C's dream we were shopping somewhere and became separated. she looked everywhere for me and couldn't find me. she called. sent texts. nothing. she was upset because she was afraid she'd lost me.  i responded quite calmly that maybe it was my time to go. she said- well yes, someday, but not now. in my dream i was walking around - i had passed on into a new life. i was me but not me. i knew who i was but no one else did. i wasn't scared or sad. just checking things out.

all of this got me to thinking. what did it mean? all three dreams? was there a connection? i don't believe in coincidences. i believe everything happens for a reason.  i think mom was trying to get my attention through these two sisters. you see if it had just been Jackie i would have blown it off. she also sent Cecelia with a message and i will generally listen to her with an open mind.

so what does it all mean? here's my take with a little help from a very dear friend:

i have been struggling a lot the past few months with who i am. letting go of some of the baggage i've been lugging around with me like Marley's chains. the time has come to say goodbye to that person. she's gone and that is why C couldn't find me. she was looking for the old me. i too had left the old me behind and was getting familiar with the new me. some people are going to accept me(Cecelia) and some people will never see the changes in me(Jackie). it's up to me how i engage with them. so i let Jackie have her moment and i had a good talk with Cecelia. hey mom? next time can you leave Jackie out of it please? i promise i'll listen.