roots and wings

There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings.  Hodding Carter

kelsey and i talked about this quote while she was in the hospital. as a mom i focused on giving my children a strong sense of family and home. home is where you can be yourself and know that you are loved no matter what. i have also given my children wings to fly - to look at life and say why not? to try new and different things and if they don't work and things get kind of weird you can always go back to your roots and re-group.

that doesn't mean you give up or quit trying -it just means you get to recharge your batteries. kelsey is fortunate she has a place to go home to where she can recharge. my parents died young. i can't go back to my roots and re-group or ask for advice or anything like that. it sucks.

i have people to talk to - but not like my parents. and i get well intentioned words from very good friends that i can always talk to them but they just answer in different ways. yeah i know that. BUT- it's not the same and some days there is no comfort in that AT.ALL. so instead of having roots i drift.

if mom were here right now i'd ask her how to help kelsey and her sibs process the past few weeks. how to get kelsey back on track. how to get josh to see beyond his insecurities about college and just try out for the speech/debate team. right now these two kids have their wings clipped because they are afraid to fly. biz - my not very brave but wonderfully charming biz is bound and determined to go to Ecuador as a volunteer for three weeks this summer. BY. HER. SELF. she won't know any of the other volunteers. this is huge for her. really huge. and carolyne is out there in the real world making her own decisions with out parental support for the first time. like buying a car and getting a loan all on her own. scary but -she is doing well.

baby birds don't fly unless you push them out of the nest. some just need a firmer nudge than others.

 outside the lines

i'd catch a grenade for you

a year and a half after i got out of the hospital i was able to wean myself off anti-depressant medication
we thought maybe this was a one time episode and things were pretty good for a few years.....
then my dad dies-and the darkness creeps in a little bit...slowly...gradually

that's how it happens- things get a little overcast and cloudy- and you get used to it

you get so used to it that you don't remember what you were like before

suicide - now there is a pretty scary word with lots of bad mojo - kelsey says they are called passive thoughts. i have had these thoughts for years. wishing  i would just disappear and all memory of me wiped from everyone who ever met me - or wishing that i would go to sleep one night and never wake up - or driving down the highway and just crossing the center line in front of a semi...that one scared me most of all because i could SEE myself doing it.

but i didn't do it.

why?

Carolyne, Kelsey, Elizabeth and Joshua.

my children.

 my anchors.

i could not abandon them even when all i wanted to do was run far, far away.

watching kelsey struggle and work through her depressive episode i am watching her and wishing i could do it for her. take the pain for her so she could go back to that lively, engaging, sweet child i see glimpses of every now and again and i know how difficult it's going to get for her outside the lines

coming out

those of you who are close to me know what has been happening in my life the past few months. my daughter has fallen into the depression pit deeper than i have ever been. her pain was so intense she tried to end her life. thankfully it failed. how can i expect her to hold her head up high and keep going on with her life if i don't come clean about my own.

kelsey's suicide attempt placed her in a mental health ward in the hospital for a week. she is only 21.

i was 23 when i spent a week in a mental health ward in a hospital.

being on a psych ward is an oxymoron- truly- it is scary and safe at the same time-after all, you are the only sane person among people with PROBLEMS and you don't have any problems- well none that you are going to share with anyone and you really don't belong there......but really you do belong there and you do have problems

the doors are locked

you have no privacy

everything you say and do is being observed at all times

paranoia to some degree sets in

you are told when to wake up when to eat when to go to group when to take drugs when to sleep

it sucks. A LOT. and yet it is safe because you don't have to make any decisions and you don't have to think except when you are in talk therapy and you have to confront the demons that landed you there in the first place

but at the end of it i came out with a better understanding of what was going on inside me. i was given tools to use to help keep me from falling so deep into depression that i ended up on a psych ward again. i vowed it would never get that bad as i walked out the doors and they locked behind me.

outside the lines

My heart is a house

Miss Kesley- My heart is a house and you are home :)

and if there is room in my heart then there is room in my home- don't ever forget that

The lyrics of this Christina Perri song makes me think of Kelsey and all we have been though together the past 21 years...my arms will always be open for a hug and believe me when I say I will hold on for as long as you need me to. Love you, Mom

Arms

I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart

But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start

You put your arms around me

And I believe that it’s easier for you to let me go

You put your arms around me and I’m home

How many times will let you me change my mind and turn around

I can’t decide if I’ll let you save my life or if I’ll drown

I hope that you see right through my walls

I hope that you catch me, ’cause I’m already falling

I’ll never let a love get so close

You put your arms around me and I’m home

The world is coming down on me and I can’t find a reason to be loved

I never wanna leave you but I can’t make you bleed if I’m alone

You put your arms around me

And I believe that it’s easier for you to let me go

I hope that you see right through my walls

I hope that you catch me, ’cause I’m already falling

I’ll never let a love get so close

You put your arms around me and I’m home

I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth

And I’ve never opened up

I’ve never truly loved ‘Till you put your arms around me
And I believe that it’s easier for you to let me go

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, ’cause I’m already falling
I’ll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I’m home
You put your arms around me and I’m home

Christina Perri – Arms lyrics