Saturday, January 30, 2010

How can I be lonely when I am surrounded by all these people?

For years I thought there was something wrong with me...personally...I grew up in the middle of this large family. Ten kids and two parents and there I was in the middle of them all. No one ever sees you when you are in the middle unless you are loud, colorful, passionate, opinionated, sarcastic, independent and a little bit impatient.  I was invisible. At least it felt like it to me. Everyone else around me seemed to be really happy and a part of "IT" but I didn't. 

I started collecting stuff. Bits of pretty fabirc, yarn, glue, paper, scissors...and rhinestones...I LOVED sparkly things! Once I "borrowed" my mom's favorite earrings and made a pair of slippers for my doll. They were leopard print flannel and I sewed  her peridot green rhinestone earrings on the tops of the toes. My doll was stylin! Mom  not so much- I got in trouble for getting into her room and into her jewelry box without permission. But the slippers were SO COOL! 

My Mother used to tell me I was just like Grandma- a pack rat. That made me really, really mad. It was my dad's mom- the one she didn't like. I thought that meant Mom didn't like me either. I needed all that stuff. Because when I was making stuff with all the stuff I collected I was happy and I didn't feel so lonely. I could dissappear into this wonderful place inside my head. And into books.

I am still different- I don't think that will ever change. My personal statement is "Conform- Go Crazy- Or Become An Artist"  I tried to conform- but I couldn't do it. I wasn't quiet like Melanie or popular like Susan or brillantly smart like Frank and Cecelia or fix things like Steve...I collected things and made stuff.

Once I read these books by Rumer Godden. One was called "Miss Happiness and Miss Flower" I was so enchanted with this book and I could relate to Nona- the main character in the book. I spent a week creating my own Japanese garden. I could hardly wait to get home from school so I could work on my beautiful garden that I made inside a shirt box.

Being different meant not having a lot of friends. It's not easy to have friends when you are depressed. They don't understand and sometimes it's easier to be alone than to be with people. But that isn't healthy either.

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