something to think about

change of habit

i joined a 30 day challenge that my daughter put together for the new year. she is part of Isagenix .
i have used their products before and the results are great and they are lasting results. but i can't seem to make it a habit
i thought being accountable to someone else would help me with my goals- i'm not in it for the money or the prizes i am in it for the habit

yep- i am a creature of habit- as humans we all are and anyone who has developed a habit knows how hard it is to break

for years i bit my nails and yet i would buy nail polish and try and make them look pretty because i think painted nails are kinda sexy and they make me feel good. i conquered that habit - not over night - but in time(years). now i have nails i am proud of and i get them done once a month and it makes me feel GOOD about myself.

feeling good about myself-

lately the voices in my head have been very negative and
VERY LOUD
so loud i can't hear anything else

 your art sucks

you're worthless

you don't do enough

you're fat

and ugly

and unlovable

and

SHUT UP!

i am taking baby steps on changing some habits - no more McDonald's drive thru before work monday - friday - if i feel like it on saturday it's ok
keeping a project threaded on the loom at all times - so far that habit has produced three beautiful scarves
replacing my afternoon cookie craving with some hot cinnamon/honey tea
wearing lipstick because you just can't feel ugly with a little lipstick on

be the change i wish to see

motivation

or lack thereof...

the list of things i should do because i KNOW i will benefit from them is long
really, really long

like changing what i eat
 that's a big one and I know if i change my eating habits i will lose some weight and if i lose some weight i will have more energy and if i have more energy i won't be tired all the time and if i'm not tired all the time i will be more productive and if i am more productive my list of things to do won't be out of control and if my list of things to do is under control then i will feel less guilty and if i feel less guilty i will feel better about myself and if i feel better about my self then i will change my eating habits....

it's a merry go round spinning out of control and i can't make myself jump on

doing good

angels are everywhere and i don't mean the figures in white gowns with wings. i mean real people. people you don't know or maybe you do.

several years ago i was broke. the mortgage was due on the house me and my four kids lived in and i had no idea where the money was going to come from.

divorced
4 kids
working three jobs
too rich for food stamps
too poor to buy food

pay the mortgage or feed the kids

tough choice isn't it? i hope anyone who reads this NEVER has to make a decision like that

i have a friend that has been a part of my life since fourth grade. we were such an odd couple. she only had one brother and i loved going to her house because she had HER OWN ROOM! i had SEVEN siblings and shared a room with two if them. we both had a huge crush on David Cassidy and would pool our allowance each week and ride our bikes to Pokey's for green rivers, french fries and the latest Tiger Beat Magazine. good times.

over the years we hardly see each other. but when we do it's like time has never passed. we pick up right where we left off. ups and downs. getting married. having babies. divorce. children. mental health. i can talk to her about pretty much anything. one day after a conversation with her about trying to figure out how i was going to pay the bank i got this note in the mail.

and a check for the amount due the bank.

i cried.
a lot.
i have kept her note posted on my bulletin board and i try to pay it forward as often as possible.
thank you mary beth

50 shades of crazy

drugs to make you feel better
drugs to help you sleep
drugs to keep you from hurting yourself
drugs, drugs, drugs....

"but I don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.

let's talk about it
how do you feel?
why do you feel this way?
what can you do differently?

"oh, you can't help that," said the Cat

wanting to be normal
wanting to change
wanting to be like everyone else

"We're all mad here. I'm mad, You're mad."

no, i don't hear voices
i just don't care
i want to sleep - forever
just let me stay home - safe, secure, alone
i'm ok with that

"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.

really

oh, my daughters, i get it
i know how much it hurts
how much it sucks to be numb

but i also know - deep down- how much i have to live for
how much i have to offer the world
even when my inner voice tells me i'm not good enough
or not worth it

-but- and there is ALWAYS a but-

"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."

when will you get to that point too?
when will you see how many people really love you
and love you for who you are- not who you think they want you to be?
when will you see that it's ok to have bad days because good days can and WILL follow
when will you just accept this crazy life you've been given?
accept it and be
because giving in to the crazy hurts you and everyone around you
accept the help
use the tools you are given
and ASK when it's too much

"Do you think I've gone round the bend?"

"I'm afraid so.
You're mad, bonkers, completely off your head.
 But I'll tell you a secret.
All the best people are"

what is this?

i have only had two serious panic attacks in my life and neither one of them were caused by any sort of traumatic experience. in fact they both happened on relatively normal days.
if you have ever had a panic attack let me tell you they are scary
you feel like your heart is going to jump out of your chest
and you can't breathe
and all sorts of weird thoughts go through your head
and with one i actually vomited

so lately i have been having these little panic episodes
 disturbing
these creep up on me first with fluttery heart beats
then the swirly thoughts come in
and i feel like i am detached from where i am
and finally i begin to self doubt
HUGE
like- why am i teaching?  my art work is all crap.
who am i kidding? i don't know anything.....
and it goes on

and then all i want to do i crawl into a ball and do nothing
cuz if i do nothing then no one will be able to see that i
am an impostor.

where does this come from? everything was going so well
then
CRASH!

thanks kermit, i needed to hear that

If just one person believes in you,

Deep enough, and strong enough, believes in you...

Hard enough, and long enough,

It stands to reason, that someone else will think

"If he can do it, I can do it."

Making it: two whole people, who believe in you

Deep enough, and strong enough,

Believe in you.

Hard enough and long enough

There's bound to be some other person who

Believes in making it a threesome,

Making it three.....

People you can say: believe in me.....



And if three whole people,

Why not -- four?

And if four whole people,

Why not--more, and

more, and

more....



And when all those people,

Believe in you,

Deep enough, and strong enough,

Believe in you...

Hard enough, and long enough

It stands to reason that you yourself will

Start to see what everybody sees in

You...

And maybe even you,

Can believe in you... too!