guilt free- almost

i was spending time on Pinterest and looking at all these DIY projects from up cycled wooden pallets to garden tips to making environmentally friends cleaning supplies
it was exhausting
yes ~ i should plant a garden- home grown produce would be much better for me
i should make my own cleaning supplies because it's better for everyone
and recycle
and up cycle
and ...
it all makes me feel guilty
guilt is a great motivator - at least that's what i've been told-  and the nuns tried really hard to play the guilt card every chance they got
i do recycle- to the point of being militant about it
i do up cycle- walk into the studio and there is quite a stash of materials ready to be up-cycled into something new
about the gardening- there just aren't enough hours in the day for me-
so it's farmers market for me this summer- I will be there selling bracelets for JDRF for my granddaughter Norah who has type 1 diabetes
and while i'm there i will buy fresh produce - that's ok right? instead of growing it myself

think about it

i collect quotes. i have notebooks filled with passages that i have come across in reading books, or surfing the net, tshirts, bumper stickers- if it strikes a chord with me i will write it down because i want to remember it. 

i put this one in my quotes folder on my computer awhile ago.

 

 

lots to think about

june 15, 2001

my mother was a reader and i grew up in a house with books and newspapers- magazines not so much- but many books
a trip to the library once a week was part of our summer routine - it was also a well organized event- an hour before we were due to depart each one of us was required to gather all of our books- granted she only allowed us to check out 4 books each (and when you multiply that times 6-7 kids that's a lot of books!)
each of us was responsible for our own books
i kept mine on the bottom shelf of the book case in my bedroom - that way I always knew where they were
once in awhile some of us would pool our books together and make check out cards for the books and play library- yep we were just that cool

organized people make lists- and since my mother was VERY organized she was quite the list maker


i was looking in one of my file cabinets yesterday and i found these

 

i forgot i had them

they are the notebooks of lists she kept of books she wanted to read

and books she had read

 when she died

she was on notebook number 16 of books she had read and there were 45 books on her list of books to read

 

 

 



sometimes you just have to do it

i told james the other day that i really need \
to run away
just for a weekend
i don't want to see anyone
talk to anyone
or do anything
i just want to be
alone
so i can just be

on the spectrum

today is world autism awareness day

what is autism and autism spectrum?

"Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and autism are both general terms for a group of complex disorders of brain development. These disorders are characterized, in varying degrees, by difficulties in social interaction, verbal and nonverbal communication and repetitive behaviors. They include autistic disorder, Rett syndrome, childhood disintegrative disorder, pervasive developmental disorder-not otherwise specified (PDD-NOS) and Asperger syndrome." autismspeaks.org

my daughter and my nephew are on the autistic spectrum- they are very smart and talented and misunderstood by their peers. they don't form long lasting friendships because they are "different" which is really sad because they are so giving and creative.

"Each individual with autism is unique. Many of those on the autism spectrum have exceptional abilities in visual skills, music and academic skills. About 40 percent have average to above average intellectual abilities. Indeed, many persons on the spectrum take deserved pride in their distinctive abilities and “atypical” ways of viewing the world."  autismspeaks.org

my daughter graduated with a bachelors degree in psychology and a bachelors degree in art. my nephew was accepted to Penn State main campus.

my older brother Timmy was autistic too. he died in 1973 of peritonitis. by the time i was born he was living in a state institution. my memories of him are kind of hazy. from stories told by my parents and my other older siblings i know that Timmy was a beautiful healthy child- very outgoing and social until around 18 months. he seemed to just disconnect from the world.

"Others with autism have significant disability and are unable to live independently. About 25 percent of individuals with ASD are nonverbal but can learn to communicate using other means."  autismspeaks.org

what causes autism?
not long ago the answer would have been "we have no idea" Now we know there is no one cause just as there is no one type of autism.

"Over the last five years, scientists have identified a number of rare gene changes, or mutations, associated with autism. A small number of these are sufficient to cause autism by themselves. Most cases of autism, however, appear to be caused by a combination of autism risk genes and environmental factors influencing early brain development." autismspeaks.org

when my mother was pregnant with Timmy she was in a car accident. a drunk driver hit the broadside of her car.  she swore that this was the reason why Timmy was autistic.

when i was pregnant with my daughter it was a normal pregnancy and i was in the best physical shape i had ever been in.  in my 8th month i got a severe sinus infection and took some nasty medication for it.

"don't worry- it won't hurt the baby"

"In the presence of a genetic predisposition to autism, a number of nongenetic, or “environmental,” stresses appear to further increase a child’s risk. The clearest evidence of these autism risk factors involves events before and during birth. They include advanced parental age at time of conception (both mom and dad), maternal illness during pregnancy and certain difficulties during birth, particularly those involving periods of oxygen deprivation to the baby’s brain. It is important to keep in mind that these factors, by themselves, do not cause autism. Rather, in combination with genetic risk factors, they appear to modestly increase risk." autismspeaks.org

makes me wonder

carry on

it's not the overcast sky
it's not the snow
it's not the cold
i don't know what it is but I can't seem to shake this feeling
this deep deep sadness that colors everything i do in shades of gray
i'm moving in slow motion -standing outside my self looking in
disconnected
so very, very tired
deadlines , people counting on me to deliver
needing me- always needing me
what do i need?
i don't know


this is depression talking
i know the seductive sound of its voice
i know the comfort of its darkness
i know i have to stop this feeling


i know
carry on
keep going
i know

for my son

 

let it go and move on

i love you