can't sleep

Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives. ~William Dement


a friend sent me this quote. it's a good one and tonight because i once again find myself unable to sleep this quote hits home. i like sleeping. let me fine tune that- i like dreaming. some people can't remember their dreams. i do. and tonight i can't turn off my brain and i really want to sleep- perchance to dream....

when i was younger i used to tell myself stories after the lights went out so i could fall asleep. when you share a room with a sibling keeping a light on and reading all night is not an option.

have you ever had a dream that was so real that when you woke up you were not sure what was real and was the dream? those are the best ones. or the dreams where you are flying? soaring above the ground like a kite- diving and swooping? my favorite dream is the garden. i don't remember much about it but the garden is a comforting and safe place. and when i wake up from that dream i feel a sense of loss and i want to go back there.

i'm not dead yet...have i ever told you that my mother had radar?

forget basic mother's intuition. the woman had radar. she KNEW the moment you stepped over the line and broke her rules. she also knew when you were trouble- emotionally, spiritually,mentally. one more thing i miss about her.

i grew up in a house full of women. i know i've mentioned it before and i am pretty sure i've talked about how they can DRIVE. ME. CRAZY...but i still love them. after all- they are family.

my younger sister-Jackie- called me first thing monday morning. no hello just- "OHMYGODI DREAMED YOUDIEDOFA HEARTATTACKLASTNIGHTTHANKGODYOUANSWEREDTHE PHONE!!!" (uh so am i?) she then proceeded to tell me about her dream and had all sorts of psychic interpretations for me because after all- Jackie knows way more about everything than i do. this was followed by a lecture about my health and habits and eating right and such and i'd better get to the DR asap! (it was nice talking to you too sister dear...gotta go someone just walked in) normally i would have argued with her and told her to butt out which would have created hurt feelings and a lot of snarky-ness...talking to this sister requires a lot of energy.

an hour later i get a text from my sister C...."i had stress dreams about you last night. everything ok?"

now this was weird. really weird. this has happened to me and C before.
now,before i go any further let me explain- i have two entirely different relationships with these two sisters- as if you couldn't tell huh?


when C speaks i listen. i texted her back to call me. you see i had a strange dream the night before too-only i don't get real stressed about my dreams -i think about the ones i can remember and then that's the end of it. we talked and compared our dreams. in C's dream we were shopping somewhere and became separated. she looked everywhere for me and couldn't find me. she called. sent texts. nothing. she was upset because she was afraid she'd lost me.  i responded quite calmly that maybe it was my time to go. she said- well yes, someday, but not now. in my dream i was walking around - i had passed on into a new life. i was me but not me. i knew who i was but no one else did. i wasn't scared or sad. just checking things out.

all of this got me to thinking. what did it mean? all three dreams? was there a connection? i don't believe in coincidences. i believe everything happens for a reason.  i think mom was trying to get my attention through these two sisters. you see if it had just been Jackie i would have blown it off. she also sent Cecelia with a message and i will generally listen to her with an open mind.

so what does it all mean? here's my take with a little help from a very dear friend:

i have been struggling a lot the past few months with who i am. letting go of some of the baggage i've been lugging around with me like Marley's chains. the time has come to say goodbye to that person. she's gone and that is why C couldn't find me. she was looking for the old me. i too had left the old me behind and was getting familiar with the new me. some people are going to accept me(Cecelia) and some people will never see the changes in me(Jackie). it's up to me how i engage with them. so i let Jackie have her moment and i had a good talk with Cecelia. hey mom? next time can you leave Jackie out of it please? i promise i'll listen.

...sometimes I think my head is so big because it is so full of dreams....

i saw "The Elephant Man" onstage years ago. that one line has been with me ever since because i am so full of dreams and ideas that at times i feel there isn't room for them all. sometimes i can get one of those ideas pinned down and actually do something with it. i beat myself up at other times because i can't seem to get any ideas out of my head and into my hands. is it part of being depressed? or is it just my real personality? some of my ideas are so out there i am not brave enough to do anything with them because i am afraid people will think i am really weird or scary.

have you ever seen that poster with the list of famous people with mental illness? It says people with mental illnesses enrich our lives vincent van gogh , charles dickens and leo tolstoy are on that list as are  beethoven and michelangelo...

so where do i fit in? i'm a tiny speck in a big universe with a head full of dreams trying to get them all out....