for unto us a child was born

borderline personality disorder (BPD) is complex and  I can only imagine what my daughter who has been recently diagnosed is feeling because I'm feeling pretty lost
and confused
and scared
and guilty
and angry
and sad

I've been reading a lot of books about BPD
how it's often misdiagnosed

when your child is a toddler you think - oh it's a phase -
the terrible twos......
......the awkward tweens........
.................................the rebellious teens....................................................................................

and then one day you look at her and see that she's the same age you were when you got married
and it's not a phase
she didn't out grow the rages, the black and white thinking, the anger

did I do something wrong?
why didn't I get her help sooner?
when I did get her help why didn't they help her?
so many labels have been tossed her way
ADHD
Sensory Integration
Bi-polar
Depression
- only none of them quite fit her and the prescribed/recommended treatments didn't help

the best way I can describe my daughter is  like this

"there was a little girl
who had a little curl
right in the middle of her forehead
when she was good
when was very, very good
but when she was bad she was horrid"

I have had years of unsolicited advice from well intentioned family and friends

"she's just looking for attention"
"she's acting out"
"she's a brat"
followed with "you need to......"

 she isn't a bad person- she has a heart as big as the universe and would give her last penny away to someone in need
she takes on other peoples problems because she wants to help them and ends up getting hurt
she's beautiful
and kind hearted
and loving
and so full of life and feelings
she just feels things differently than everyone else and more intensely

one other thing I am feeling is
HOPE
 this  is not a death sentence
in fact there are many testimonials from people who have been in the emotional roller coaster  hell that is BPD
and with the help of therapy, medication and the love and support of family and friends she can live a fairly even life
it hurts to have to watch her go through what I can only describe as emotional growing pains
there are setbacks-
 she'll stop her meds for whatever reason
or self medicate
or start self destructive behaviors
- like it's a test to see if I still love her- I STILL LOVE HER
There are days when I want to curl in a ball and cry - like I said before I can only imagine how she must be feeling- days when I ask god to give her pain to me because I'm her mom and I can do this because I don't want her to hurt anymore.
I'm strong- take me instead.

there's a hole in the bottom of my cup

it's too tiny to see but every time i take a drink there are a couple of drops of iced tea on my desk
i keep wiping them away

but they keep coming back

sort of like depression

you can't see it

but it's there and i keep trying to wipe it away

but it keeps coming back
little drops of me getting wiped away
until what?
until there's nothing left?
i poured my iced tea into a different cup
problem solved

why isn't there isn't an easy fix for what's inside of me?

the dark side...headed into the light

everyone has a dark side. i have been visiting mine lately. the ups and down of the weather has had me up and down. even my UV sessions haven't been much help. i'm still sleepy and dragging through my days. but i do know it's going to get better. the sun will shine and the days will get warmer and i'll spend a lot of time outside.

that's my spring resolution- to spend more time outside. walking, pulling weeds,reading and my favorite- sitting on the front steps. sometimes i sit on my front steps and i can see the neighborhood i grew up in- kids up and down the streets. playing baseball in the field across the street and steal the flag in the yard next door. foursquare in my driveway and basketball in theirs. cutting through my backyard to the neighbors behind me so I wouldn't have to walk all the way around the hill to get to my friend's house at the bottom of the hill...

i need to spend more time walking along the creek in the park...that's full of memories too....where did the time go?