for unto us a child was born

borderline personality disorder (BPD) is complex and  I can only imagine what my daughter who has been recently diagnosed is feeling because I'm feeling pretty lost
and confused
and scared
and guilty
and angry
and sad

I've been reading a lot of books about BPD
how it's often misdiagnosed

when your child is a toddler you think - oh it's a phase -
the terrible twos......
......the awkward tweens........
.................................the rebellious teens....................................................................................

and then one day you look at her and see that she's the same age you were when you got married
and it's not a phase
she didn't out grow the rages, the black and white thinking, the anger

did I do something wrong?
why didn't I get her help sooner?
when I did get her help why didn't they help her?
so many labels have been tossed her way
ADHD
Sensory Integration
Bi-polar
Depression
- only none of them quite fit her and the prescribed/recommended treatments didn't help

the best way I can describe my daughter is  like this

"there was a little girl
who had a little curl
right in the middle of her forehead
when she was good
when was very, very good
but when she was bad she was horrid"

I have had years of unsolicited advice from well intentioned family and friends

"she's just looking for attention"
"she's acting out"
"she's a brat"
followed with "you need to......"

 she isn't a bad person- she has a heart as big as the universe and would give her last penny away to someone in need
she takes on other peoples problems because she wants to help them and ends up getting hurt
she's beautiful
and kind hearted
and loving
and so full of life and feelings
she just feels things differently than everyone else and more intensely

one other thing I am feeling is
HOPE
 this  is not a death sentence
in fact there are many testimonials from people who have been in the emotional roller coaster  hell that is BPD
and with the help of therapy, medication and the love and support of family and friends she can live a fairly even life
it hurts to have to watch her go through what I can only describe as emotional growing pains
there are setbacks-
 she'll stop her meds for whatever reason
or self medicate
or start self destructive behaviors
- like it's a test to see if I still love her- I STILL LOVE HER
There are days when I want to curl in a ball and cry - like I said before I can only imagine how she must be feeling- days when I ask god to give her pain to me because I'm her mom and I can do this because I don't want her to hurt anymore.
I'm strong- take me instead.

words

words have a lot of power
you can use them to create or destroy
words can give you comfort
make you think
make you cry
laugh
smile
frown

this last stay in the hospital for my daughter for her mental illness got me to thinking about words
she expressed a desire to read something each day and to reflect on it- maybe it would help keep her out of the darkness
she suggested the Bible- i don't have anything against the bible but it can be pretty thick and heavy with words and sometimes there are too many words

i went looking for some kind of book i could give her that wasn't all Hallmark card- you know?
i came up empty

maybe i should write my own book

i have been collecting quotes, words of wisdom, passages from books for years. i write them down in a notebook ( i am on my 4th notebook since i started)  now i have a board on Pinterest dedicated to them.

if you are reading this can you take a moment and write down words you use to help you get through a rough patch
words that make you think
get you back on track

here's one of my favorites:

"there is no such thing as a problem

without a gift for you in its hands.

You seek the problems 

because you need

their gifts"

Richard Bach 

 



keeping it real

i read somewhere that sometimes things have to fall apart before they can fall together.
what i want to know is how often do they have to fall apart?
it seems to me that as soon as i get it all together something happens to rip it all apart.
then i have to reassemble the pieces and hope i can make them fit.

and sometimes they don't all fit together

and sometimes i have a piece left over

what do i do with it?

is it any wonder why i am angry, confused, worried, frustrated and sad?

i can't sleep

can't think

can't focus

i have so many questions and NO answers!

are you there god? it's me laura and we need to talk.....

roots and wings

There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings.  Hodding Carter

kelsey and i talked about this quote while she was in the hospital. as a mom i focused on giving my children a strong sense of family and home. home is where you can be yourself and know that you are loved no matter what. i have also given my children wings to fly - to look at life and say why not? to try new and different things and if they don't work and things get kind of weird you can always go back to your roots and re-group.

that doesn't mean you give up or quit trying -it just means you get to recharge your batteries. kelsey is fortunate she has a place to go home to where she can recharge. my parents died young. i can't go back to my roots and re-group or ask for advice or anything like that. it sucks.

i have people to talk to - but not like my parents. and i get well intentioned words from very good friends that i can always talk to them but they just answer in different ways. yeah i know that. BUT- it's not the same and some days there is no comfort in that AT.ALL. so instead of having roots i drift.

if mom were here right now i'd ask her how to help kelsey and her sibs process the past few weeks. how to get kelsey back on track. how to get josh to see beyond his insecurities about college and just try out for the speech/debate team. right now these two kids have their wings clipped because they are afraid to fly. biz - my not very brave but wonderfully charming biz is bound and determined to go to Ecuador as a volunteer for three weeks this summer. BY. HER. SELF. she won't know any of the other volunteers. this is huge for her. really huge. and carolyne is out there in the real world making her own decisions with out parental support for the first time. like buying a car and getting a loan all on her own. scary but -she is doing well.

baby birds don't fly unless you push them out of the nest. some just need a firmer nudge than others.

 outside the lines

i'd catch a grenade for you

a year and a half after i got out of the hospital i was able to wean myself off anti-depressant medication
we thought maybe this was a one time episode and things were pretty good for a few years.....
then my dad dies-and the darkness creeps in a little bit...slowly...gradually

that's how it happens- things get a little overcast and cloudy- and you get used to it

you get so used to it that you don't remember what you were like before

suicide - now there is a pretty scary word with lots of bad mojo - kelsey says they are called passive thoughts. i have had these thoughts for years. wishing  i would just disappear and all memory of me wiped from everyone who ever met me - or wishing that i would go to sleep one night and never wake up - or driving down the highway and just crossing the center line in front of a semi...that one scared me most of all because i could SEE myself doing it.

but i didn't do it.

why?

Carolyne, Kelsey, Elizabeth and Joshua.

my children.

 my anchors.

i could not abandon them even when all i wanted to do was run far, far away.

watching kelsey struggle and work through her depressive episode i am watching her and wishing i could do it for her. take the pain for her so she could go back to that lively, engaging, sweet child i see glimpses of every now and again and i know how difficult it's going to get for her outside the lines

coming out

those of you who are close to me know what has been happening in my life the past few months. my daughter has fallen into the depression pit deeper than i have ever been. her pain was so intense she tried to end her life. thankfully it failed. how can i expect her to hold her head up high and keep going on with her life if i don't come clean about my own.

kelsey's suicide attempt placed her in a mental health ward in the hospital for a week. she is only 21.

i was 23 when i spent a week in a mental health ward in a hospital.

being on a psych ward is an oxymoron- truly- it is scary and safe at the same time-after all, you are the only sane person among people with PROBLEMS and you don't have any problems- well none that you are going to share with anyone and you really don't belong there......but really you do belong there and you do have problems

the doors are locked

you have no privacy

everything you say and do is being observed at all times

paranoia to some degree sets in

you are told when to wake up when to eat when to go to group when to take drugs when to sleep

it sucks. A LOT. and yet it is safe because you don't have to make any decisions and you don't have to think except when you are in talk therapy and you have to confront the demons that landed you there in the first place

but at the end of it i came out with a better understanding of what was going on inside me. i was given tools to use to help keep me from falling so deep into depression that i ended up on a psych ward again. i vowed it would never get that bad as i walked out the doors and they locked behind me.

outside the lines

let's make a pact right now

ok. about what?

on the first really truly nice day in May let's all not show up for work and play outside all day.

we'll call it a mental health day.

it sounds like maybe we should have more of them.

i agree. maybe we can start something!