motivation

or lack thereof...

the list of things i should do because i KNOW i will benefit from them is long
really, really long

like changing what i eat
 that's a big one and I know if i change my eating habits i will lose some weight and if i lose some weight i will have more energy and if i have more energy i won't be tired all the time and if i'm not tired all the time i will be more productive and if i am more productive my list of things to do won't be out of control and if my list of things to do is under control then i will feel less guilty and if i feel less guilty i will feel better about myself and if i feel better about my self then i will change my eating habits....

it's a merry go round spinning out of control and i can't make myself jump on

doing good

angels are everywhere and i don't mean the figures in white gowns with wings. i mean real people. people you don't know or maybe you do.

several years ago i was broke. the mortgage was due on the house me and my four kids lived in and i had no idea where the money was going to come from.

divorced
4 kids
working three jobs
too rich for food stamps
too poor to buy food

pay the mortgage or feed the kids

tough choice isn't it? i hope anyone who reads this NEVER has to make a decision like that

i have a friend that has been a part of my life since fourth grade. we were such an odd couple. she only had one brother and i loved going to her house because she had HER OWN ROOM! i had SEVEN siblings and shared a room with two if them. we both had a huge crush on David Cassidy and would pool our allowance each week and ride our bikes to Pokey's for green rivers, french fries and the latest Tiger Beat Magazine. good times.

over the years we hardly see each other. but when we do it's like time has never passed. we pick up right where we left off. ups and downs. getting married. having babies. divorce. children. mental health. i can talk to her about pretty much anything. one day after a conversation with her about trying to figure out how i was going to pay the bank i got this note in the mail.

and a check for the amount due the bank.

i cried.
a lot.
i have kept her note posted on my bulletin board and i try to pay it forward as often as possible.
thank you mary beth

50 shades of crazy

drugs to make you feel better
drugs to help you sleep
drugs to keep you from hurting yourself
drugs, drugs, drugs....

"but I don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.

let's talk about it
how do you feel?
why do you feel this way?
what can you do differently?

"oh, you can't help that," said the Cat

wanting to be normal
wanting to change
wanting to be like everyone else

"We're all mad here. I'm mad, You're mad."

no, i don't hear voices
i just don't care
i want to sleep - forever
just let me stay home - safe, secure, alone
i'm ok with that

"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.

really

oh, my daughters, i get it
i know how much it hurts
how much it sucks to be numb

but i also know - deep down- how much i have to live for
how much i have to offer the world
even when my inner voice tells me i'm not good enough
or not worth it

-but- and there is ALWAYS a but-

"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."

when will you get to that point too?
when will you see how many people really love you
and love you for who you are- not who you think they want you to be?
when will you see that it's ok to have bad days because good days can and WILL follow
when will you just accept this crazy life you've been given?
accept it and be
because giving in to the crazy hurts you and everyone around you
accept the help
use the tools you are given
and ASK when it's too much

"Do you think I've gone round the bend?"

"I'm afraid so.
You're mad, bonkers, completely off your head.
 But I'll tell you a secret.
All the best people are"

what is this?

i have only had two serious panic attacks in my life and neither one of them were caused by any sort of traumatic experience. in fact they both happened on relatively normal days.
if you have ever had a panic attack let me tell you they are scary
you feel like your heart is going to jump out of your chest
and you can't breathe
and all sorts of weird thoughts go through your head
and with one i actually vomited

so lately i have been having these little panic episodes
 disturbing
these creep up on me first with fluttery heart beats
then the swirly thoughts come in
and i feel like i am detached from where i am
and finally i begin to self doubt
HUGE
like- why am i teaching?  my art work is all crap.
who am i kidding? i don't know anything.....
and it goes on

and then all i want to do i crawl into a ball and do nothing
cuz if i do nothing then no one will be able to see that i
am an impostor.

where does this come from? everything was going so well
then
CRASH!

thanks kermit, i needed to hear that

If just one person believes in you,

Deep enough, and strong enough, believes in you...

Hard enough, and long enough,

It stands to reason, that someone else will think

"If he can do it, I can do it."

Making it: two whole people, who believe in you

Deep enough, and strong enough,

Believe in you.

Hard enough and long enough

There's bound to be some other person who

Believes in making it a threesome,

Making it three.....

People you can say: believe in me.....



And if three whole people,

Why not -- four?

And if four whole people,

Why not--more, and

more, and

more....



And when all those people,

Believe in you,

Deep enough, and strong enough,

Believe in you...

Hard enough, and long enough

It stands to reason that you yourself will

Start to see what everybody sees in

You...

And maybe even you,

Can believe in you... too!

lack of health insurance and i am so f#@king messed up

this weekend I am headed to Omaha to spend some time with my youngest daughter. she is in her third year at Creighton University. 
i feel guilty about it
- when my two oldest daughters were in college i rarely went to visit them.

why?
money - i was struggling to keep a roof over our head and spending the money on gas made me nervous
fear - driving into places that i am not familiar with and i am not a confident driver in the first place
trust- i did not trust my van that i would make it safely to and from my destination
health insurance- i didn't have any and if anything happened to me we would be wiped out which takes me back to the money worry...

i lived with the uninsured ax hanging over my head for ten years. for ten years i worried about get sick, or in an accident. i wouldn't go to the doctor.  my family was one medical catastrophe away from being homeless every day.

may 2005-hey you get a FREE mammogram if you don't have insurance and since you are over 40 you really should do it it's pretty routine- " Laura, the doctor sees something can you come back......next thing i know i am in a whirlwind of tests and appointments. one of the appointments was with the billing department of the hospital.

'how are you planning to pay for your procedure?'

'um, i don't know.' - i don't even know what "this" is. i have no idea what the test results are going to be and right now i can't even focus on how i am going to pay for it i am worried that if it's cancer how i am going to take care of my family ... when i left the office i was crying and scared and worried and when i got home i put on my brave face and told the kids this was just a routine follow up and not to worry...

when the kids were younger i didn't worry so much. i was brave and insured. we got lost driving to my sister's house once and i told them it was an adventure. when Carolyne was 2 we drove to Iowa City and spent the weekend with my younger sister. When Joshua was 3 he and I drove all over Western Iowa.and there were numerous trips to Aunt Sue's. but i was younger then.

and i had health insurance.
what about that time we drove to Colorado? same van, same money worries, same unknown territories- my older sister and brother -in- law were with us which gave me a sense of safety ( if anything bad happened they are both doctors) plus they offered to pay for the gas so we could go on the trip. (thank you for that)

so i am driving to Omaha this weekend. i am now equipped with a GPS. i have a very good reliable car. and money doesn't worry me anymore. i now have health insurance and i am anxious about the drive there. once i get there i will be fine. it's  the travel from here to there. i don't feel  as anxious traveling back home.

kelsey and carolyne- if you are reading this- i have health insurance now but i still can't get rid of the anxiety and fear from the years that i didn't have it. i don't trust it. i don't trust that if somehitng medically happened to me they ( the insurance company) would pay for it.

i am so f#@king messed up

my skin is too tight

and my head feels like exploding

and my room is too small

and my ankles don't like my feet
and my hair hurts
and my fingers refuse to listen to me

and my big toe itches

and nothing fits

and

i

am

crabby


and some days are just like that!