i still believe in love

my last post may have seemed a little dark to some of you. i did not mean it to be at all. i am sure you could read it and think that i have a cynical view of love.

not true.

love is the most simple and complex human emotion there is.love has been the subject and inspiration for poets, artists and musicians for centuries. what is love? it is one of the strongest emotions a person can feel. and also the most difficult thing to define.

i have loved and i do love. my heart has been broken and i have broken hearts. and yet no matter what i believe in love.

I still Believe in Love
(Marvin Hamlisch/Carole Bayer Sager)
After all the tears I've cried

You'd think I would give up on love
Get off this line
But maybe I might get it right this time

I was there as passion turned to pain
Sunshine turned to rainy days
Yet here I am
Ready to begin once again

All my life I've been a dreamer
Dreamin' dreams that always broke in two
But I still believe in love
And I love believing
Maybe you can make my dreams come true

Here content with who I am
I'm reachin' out my hand to him
Once again
At least I know I've made myself a friend

All my life I've been a dreamer
Dreamin' dreams that never quite came true
But I still believe in love
And I love believing
I'll keep on dreaming
Because I still believe in love
I still believe in love
And me
And you
I still believe in love

"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love." - Sophocles


 

one thing leads to another

i'm working on an art exchange with a valentine theme and as i was looking for words of inspiration i came across this quote by author  Neil Gaiman

... it made me sit and think for awhile....

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

...interesting

doodling

i'm not dead yet...have i ever told you that my mother had radar?

forget basic mother's intuition. the woman had radar. she KNEW the moment you stepped over the line and broke her rules. she also knew when you were trouble- emotionally, spiritually,mentally. one more thing i miss about her.

i grew up in a house full of women. i know i've mentioned it before and i am pretty sure i've talked about how they can DRIVE. ME. CRAZY...but i still love them. after all- they are family.

my younger sister-Jackie- called me first thing monday morning. no hello just- "OHMYGODI DREAMED YOUDIEDOFA HEARTATTACKLASTNIGHTTHANKGODYOUANSWEREDTHE PHONE!!!" (uh so am i?) she then proceeded to tell me about her dream and had all sorts of psychic interpretations for me because after all- Jackie knows way more about everything than i do. this was followed by a lecture about my health and habits and eating right and such and i'd better get to the DR asap! (it was nice talking to you too sister dear...gotta go someone just walked in) normally i would have argued with her and told her to butt out which would have created hurt feelings and a lot of snarky-ness...talking to this sister requires a lot of energy.

an hour later i get a text from my sister C...."i had stress dreams about you last night. everything ok?"

now this was weird. really weird. this has happened to me and C before.
now,before i go any further let me explain- i have two entirely different relationships with these two sisters- as if you couldn't tell huh?


when C speaks i listen. i texted her back to call me. you see i had a strange dream the night before too-only i don't get real stressed about my dreams -i think about the ones i can remember and then that's the end of it. we talked and compared our dreams. in C's dream we were shopping somewhere and became separated. she looked everywhere for me and couldn't find me. she called. sent texts. nothing. she was upset because she was afraid she'd lost me.  i responded quite calmly that maybe it was my time to go. she said- well yes, someday, but not now. in my dream i was walking around - i had passed on into a new life. i was me but not me. i knew who i was but no one else did. i wasn't scared or sad. just checking things out.

all of this got me to thinking. what did it mean? all three dreams? was there a connection? i don't believe in coincidences. i believe everything happens for a reason.  i think mom was trying to get my attention through these two sisters. you see if it had just been Jackie i would have blown it off. she also sent Cecelia with a message and i will generally listen to her with an open mind.

so what does it all mean? here's my take with a little help from a very dear friend:

i have been struggling a lot the past few months with who i am. letting go of some of the baggage i've been lugging around with me like Marley's chains. the time has come to say goodbye to that person. she's gone and that is why C couldn't find me. she was looking for the old me. i too had left the old me behind and was getting familiar with the new me. some people are going to accept me(Cecelia) and some people will never see the changes in me(Jackie). it's up to me how i engage with them. so i let Jackie have her moment and i had a good talk with Cecelia. hey mom? next time can you leave Jackie out of it please? i promise i'll listen.

auld lange syne

old friends-not old as in a number- old as in a friend you have known all your life and no matter what they still accept you for who you are and for who you are not. years can go by and the moment you see them again it's like no time has passed...and you remember all the reasons why this person is your friend. so i raise a cup to you my friend

Auld Lang Syne

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And days of  auld lang syne?

Chorus:

For auld lang syne, my dear
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet
For days of auld lang syne.

Chorus

We twa hae ran about the braes,(hills)
And pu'd the gowans(daisies) fine,
But we've wander'd many a weary fit (miles)
Since days of auld lang syne.

We twa hae paidl'd in the burn
Frae morning sun til dine,
But seas between us braid(broad) hae roar'd
Since days of auld lang syne.

Chorus
And surely ye'll be your pint' stoup
And surely I'll be mine!
And we'll tak a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne

And there's a hand, my trusty fiere,
And gie's a hand o' thine,
And we'll tak a right guid-willie waught (friendly draught)
For auld lang syne!

Chorus

chaos, tension and a little fruitcake

that would describe my family. the one i was born into- the one with 9 siblings. individually i can handle each one pretty well and it can be a pleasant encounter. i can even take on certain sibs in pairs and it's good and entertaining. once you get more than three of us in a room tension builds. to be honest everyone has a certain amount of crazy in them. some just have more than others. don't get me wrong i love each and every one of my 7 remaining siblings. ( and no i did not kill two of them and if i had it would not be the two that have died) i know there are some great case studies out there about family dynamics and most major magazines have at least one article dedicated to holiday stress and family and coping.

the one thing that never gets addressed is tolerance and manners. so here is my christmas gift to the universe. feel free to spread the message and maybe we can have a less crazy christmas.

1. do the dishes. when tensions are running high the best thing in the world is hot soapy dish water and it buys you some alone time.
2. keep your mouth shut! if you can't say anything nice- don't say anything at all - even if you KNOW you are right and they are WRONG. this is not the time to settle and win arguments.
3. behave. forget santa- your children are watching EVERYTHING and children learn by example. do you want them to turn out just like your least favorite relative?
4. give me a hug/kiss should not be spoken. read universal body language- arms wide open mean yes you may hug/kiss me. if not your demands just piss people off.
5. keep your opinion to yourself. or at least hold it until you are back in your own environment away from the family and then by all means express yourself.
6. you can handle anything for a short amount of time. as long as you remember you can escape because you do have two legs. no one said you had to be the last one to leave. 5 hours is more than enough time to visit  before dinner, eat, help clean, and then say goodbye.
7. embrace the uniqueness. this one is not as easy as it sounds but honestly when you are talking about your family to friends and you are looking back on things with those time and distance rose colored glasses you know that you are proud to say that each member of your family is unique and you might even be secretly proud of that - until you walk through the door that is. everyone is different and that includes you.
8. please check all baggage at the door. remember that you are an adult now so please act like one and stop reverting to pre-adolescent behavior. if it was one of YOUR kids acting that way you'd be all over them in a second.

and finally- if the people in your family act true to form you can control at least your portion of the situation in the following ways:
 change your regular responses to aggravating family members

shrug off insults, challenges, and criticisms.

avoid past betrayals, mistakes, failures – both yours and others’.

don’t expect people to change (unless you change first).

Happy Holidays

what does it mean to be real?

excerpt from "The Velveteen Rabbit" by Margery Williams

The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces. For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it. "What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.
"The Boy's Uncle made me Real," he said. "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."

The Rabbit sighed. He thought it would be a long time before this magic called Real happened to him. He longed to become Real, to know what it felt like; and yet the idea of growing shabby and losing his eyes and whiskers was rather sad. He wished that he could become it without these uncomfortable things happening to him.

i have loved this book ever since i stumbled upon it in the children's library in 4th grade. i read it to my children when they were young and i will give copies of it to my grandchildren. each time i read this story i see something new. another layer...a new meaning....

how do you become real? through the love of others....and hope so simple.

it is in giving love that we receive the greatest gift