I don't think me engines can take much more of it Captain!

I wish it was as simple as telling Scotty to "Eject the Core!" and then things would be alright. My husband has been in Seattle since Thursday and will be until Saturday. So I've been pretty much alone. Now don't get me wrong. I really do like my alone time. In fact I can be quite the homebody. But throw in this depressing weather, the snow and depression and it isn't a good combination. I know I should excercise but I can't get myself motivated to actually do it. I've thought about a personal trainer. Someone who could push me to just do it! What do you do to make yourself get up and move? I am open to suggestions.

Oh Mr Sun, Sun, Mr Golden Sun......

....please shine down on me!

Have you ever heard of SAD? Seasonal Affected Disorder- is also known as the winter blues. Some people experience a serious mood change when the seasons change. Add SAD to Clinical Depression and you have- ME! YAY! No seriously, late fall and winter are tough times for me. Really tough. It's a struggle to get out of bed most mornings. This winter has been really hard. We've had a severe winter with lots of snow, ice, rain and many consecutive days with no sunshine.

                                                                                                                            

I have a couple of things I do to help me get through the winter besides just taking my meds. I switched the light at my work table to a full spectrum task light. While I am working on jewelry I am getting 5,000 lux of light and since my eyes are open while working- I find it hard to string beads with my eyes shut : ) - the light can reach all the way to the retinas at the back of my eyes. There are no damaging UV rays. When my SAD gets really bad I lay in a tanning a bed a couple of days a week. It's amazing the difference in my mood and energy level. My family can tell when I start light therapy. I am a much nicer person to be around. So I am off to the tanning bed because it is SNOWING again today and I just can't stand it anymore.

                                                

Depression hurts....

...and for that you can take- whatever the drug du-jour is. I hate those commercials. Yes depression hurts. In my case it manifests in physical pain in my joints, lower back and head.  Add that to the depression and it hurts. The best way I can think of to describe depression for me is this: it's like having a Dementor following me around ...sucking the happiness out of me and leaving only the worst memories and huge holes in my heart so I can't hold any happines inside of it.

People who aren't depressed don't understand. I try to explain but they still don't get it. I don't want to be this way but I am. On my good days I fight it with everything I have but some times the bad days outweigh the good ones. My SO once said to me why can't you be happy like me? I wish it were that easy. I wish I had a magic wand I could wave to make it go away. I take medication everyday for this depression. I hate the meds. I hate that the meds take away my ability to cry and to really feel. The meds numb my feelings. I know you are thinking that's good though right? That helps you cope but there are times when I really need to cry....

I have been fighting depression really hard lately. My meds aren't enough. Of course it doesn't help that this has been the winter from hell with tons of snow and freezing rain and no sun for 30+ days straight. My depression is much worse in the winter than any other time of the year but it never really goes away.

On the outside looking in

Have you ever felt like you were on the outside looking in?  I spent my college years wondering what the "big" secret was and why didn't I know it? It felt like everyone else around me knew what "IT" was except me.

I was too afriad to ask. I didn't want people to think I was stupid.
I'm not stupid.

alone (ə lōn”) apart from other persons or things  <----- that is exactly how I felt

Maybe they felt just as lost as I did. Maybe they all thought I knew what the big secret was all about and they were afriad of asking me because they didn't want to sound stupid. Or maybe I'm just crazy.

I was 21 when my doctor told me he thought I was depressed.I had been to him all summer for various symptoms and nothing got better - oh yeah- and I stopped reading and creating. Depression was the reason for the sleepless nights, lack of energy, vauge aches and pains and loss of interest in activites that I really enjoyed. Depression. That was something you felt because something bad happened and nothing bad had happened so how could I be depressed?

I was put on some medications that had horrible side effects and started talk therapy. If I heard "you need to reduce your stress" one more time I was going to SCREAM! Reduce stress- is that like cutting back on your calories intake? No one could tell me HOW I was supposed to reduce the stress. So here I was on the outside looking in again wondering what the big secret was.

How can I be lonely when I am surrounded by all these people?

For years I thought there was something wrong with me...personally...I grew up in the middle of this large family. Ten kids and two parents and there I was in the middle of them all. No one ever sees you when you are in the middle unless you are loud, colorful, passionate, opinionated, sarcastic, independent and a little bit impatient.  I was invisible. At least it felt like it to me. Everyone else around me seemed to be really happy and a part of "IT" but I didn't. 

I started collecting stuff. Bits of pretty fabirc, yarn, glue, paper, scissors...and rhinestones...I LOVED sparkly things! Once I "borrowed" my mom's favorite earrings and made a pair of slippers for my doll. They were leopard print flannel and I sewed  her peridot green rhinestone earrings on the tops of the toes. My doll was stylin! Mom  not so much- I got in trouble for getting into her room and into her jewelry box without permission. But the slippers were SO COOL! 

My Mother used to tell me I was just like Grandma- a pack rat. That made me really, really mad. It was my dad's mom- the one she didn't like. I thought that meant Mom didn't like me either. I needed all that stuff. Because when I was making stuff with all the stuff I collected I was happy and I didn't feel so lonely. I could dissappear into this wonderful place inside my head. And into books.


I am still different- I don't think that will ever change. My personal statement is "Conform- Go Crazy- Or Become An Artist"  I tried to conform- but I couldn't do it. I wasn't quiet like Melanie or popular like Susan or brillantly smart like Frank and Cecelia or fix things like Steve...I collected things and made stuff.

Once I read these books by Rumer Godden. One was called "Miss Happiness and Miss Flower" I was so enchanted with this book and I could relate to Nona- the main character in the book. I spent a week creating my own Japanese garden. I could hardly wait to get home from school so I could work on my beautiful garden that I made inside a shirt box.

Being different meant not having a lot of friends. It's not easy to have friends when you are depressed. They don't understand and sometimes it's easier to be alone than to be with people. But that isn't healthy either.

coloring outside the lines

In 2006 I published a book with this small independant publishing company Smiling Stone Soup.

 "Outside the Lines" is my journey - as daughter, sister, friend, lover, spouse and mom - through a world colored by clinical depression. it's a story of hoping and coping and learning to live with this illness with creativity, humor and compassion - and a lot of help from family, friends and, well, meds. I wrote and illustrated the book and it met with modest success. So I'm not here trying to sell the book. My purpose is to reach out and connect with people like me who live with depression everyday. Through all its ups and downs.
Depression sucks. It colors every aspect of your life. The drugs also suck. Sometimes the side effects are worse than the depression.  I know there are worse things I could have. A lot worse- but depression is the illness I have to live with.

Sometimes I think it would be better if I was the only one to have to deal with it. Silly me- I got married and had children. Now there are more people in my  life who have to deal with it too. That isn't easy. Trying to explain why you act the way you do at times when you really don't understand why you feel the way you do. Depression and mental illness is prevalent in my family- my  paternal grandmother was bi-polar as was my father. My mother was chemically depressed and my older brother was autistic. Genetics are wonderful aren't they.

On the plus side I'm an artist. People tell me all the time that creative people are predisposed for depression and mental illness. I'm in good company too- Claude Monet, Georgia O'Keefe, Jackson Pollack, Edvard Munch and Vincent Van Gogh. But knowing that doesn't make it any better. I wish there was some way to remove the stigma that is attached to mental illness. Ok- so here's one person trying to make a difference. Me. I am chemically depressed and will be the rest of my life.