june 15, 2001

my mother was a reader and i grew up in a house with books and newspapers- magazines not so much- but many books
a trip to the library once a week was part of our summer routine - it was also a well organized event- an hour before we were due to depart each one of us was required to gather all of our books- granted she only allowed us to check out 4 books each (and when you multiply that times 6-7 kids that's a lot of books!)
each of us was responsible for our own books
i kept mine on the bottom shelf of the book case in my bedroom - that way I always knew where they were
once in awhile some of us would pool our books together and make check out cards for the books and play library- yep we were just that cool

organized people make lists- and since my mother was VERY organized she was quite the list maker


i was looking in one of my file cabinets yesterday and i found these

 

i forgot i had them

they are the notebooks of lists she kept of books she wanted to read

and books she had read

 when she died

she was on notebook number 16 of books she had read and there were 45 books on her list of books to read

 

 

 



sometimes you just have to do it

i told james the other day that i really need \
to run away
just for a weekend
i don't want to see anyone
talk to anyone
or do anything
i just want to be
alone
so i can just be

on the spectrum

today is world autism awareness day

what is autism and autism spectrum?

"Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and autism are both general terms for a group of complex disorders of brain development. These disorders are characterized, in varying degrees, by difficulties in social interaction, verbal and nonverbal communication and repetitive behaviors. They include autistic disorder, Rett syndrome, childhood disintegrative disorder, pervasive developmental disorder-not otherwise specified (PDD-NOS) and Asperger syndrome." autismspeaks.org

my daughter and my nephew are on the autistic spectrum- they are very smart and talented and misunderstood by their peers. they don't form long lasting friendships because they are "different" which is really sad because they are so giving and creative.

"Each individual with autism is unique. Many of those on the autism spectrum have exceptional abilities in visual skills, music and academic skills. About 40 percent have average to above average intellectual abilities. Indeed, many persons on the spectrum take deserved pride in their distinctive abilities and “atypical” ways of viewing the world."  autismspeaks.org

my daughter graduated with a bachelors degree in psychology and a bachelors degree in art. my nephew was accepted to Penn State main campus.

my older brother Timmy was autistic too. he died in 1973 of peritonitis. by the time i was born he was living in a state institution. my memories of him are kind of hazy. from stories told by my parents and my other older siblings i know that Timmy was a beautiful healthy child- very outgoing and social until around 18 months. he seemed to just disconnect from the world.

"Others with autism have significant disability and are unable to live independently. About 25 percent of individuals with ASD are nonverbal but can learn to communicate using other means."  autismspeaks.org

what causes autism?
not long ago the answer would have been "we have no idea" Now we know there is no one cause just as there is no one type of autism.

"Over the last five years, scientists have identified a number of rare gene changes, or mutations, associated with autism. A small number of these are sufficient to cause autism by themselves. Most cases of autism, however, appear to be caused by a combination of autism risk genes and environmental factors influencing early brain development." autismspeaks.org

when my mother was pregnant with Timmy she was in a car accident. a drunk driver hit the broadside of her car.  she swore that this was the reason why Timmy was autistic.

when i was pregnant with my daughter it was a normal pregnancy and i was in the best physical shape i had ever been in.  in my 8th month i got a severe sinus infection and took some nasty medication for it.

"don't worry- it won't hurt the baby"

"In the presence of a genetic predisposition to autism, a number of nongenetic, or “environmental,” stresses appear to further increase a child’s risk. The clearest evidence of these autism risk factors involves events before and during birth. They include advanced parental age at time of conception (both mom and dad), maternal illness during pregnancy and certain difficulties during birth, particularly those involving periods of oxygen deprivation to the baby’s brain. It is important to keep in mind that these factors, by themselves, do not cause autism. Rather, in combination with genetic risk factors, they appear to modestly increase risk." autismspeaks.org

makes me wonder

carry on

it's not the overcast sky
it's not the snow
it's not the cold
i don't know what it is but I can't seem to shake this feeling
this deep deep sadness that colors everything i do in shades of gray
i'm moving in slow motion -standing outside my self looking in
disconnected
so very, very tired
deadlines , people counting on me to deliver
needing me- always needing me
what do i need?
i don't know


this is depression talking
i know the seductive sound of its voice
i know the comfort of its darkness
i know i have to stop this feeling


i know
carry on
keep going
i know

for my son

 

let it go and move on

i love you

words

words have a lot of power
you can use them to create or destroy
words can give you comfort
make you think
make you cry
laugh
smile
frown

this last stay in the hospital for my daughter for her mental illness got me to thinking about words
she expressed a desire to read something each day and to reflect on it- maybe it would help keep her out of the darkness
she suggested the Bible- i don't have anything against the bible but it can be pretty thick and heavy with words and sometimes there are too many words

i went looking for some kind of book i could give her that wasn't all Hallmark card- you know?
i came up empty

maybe i should write my own book

i have been collecting quotes, words of wisdom, passages from books for years. i write them down in a notebook ( i am on my 4th notebook since i started)  now i have a board on Pinterest dedicated to them.

if you are reading this can you take a moment and write down words you use to help you get through a rough patch
words that make you think
get you back on track

here's one of my favorites:

"there is no such thing as a problem

without a gift for you in its hands.

You seek the problems 

because you need

their gifts"

Richard Bach 

 



how's it going Laura?

facebook asks me that everyday

how's it going Laura?
since you asked i'll tell you -even though i know you really don't give a fuck
 but i can pretend you do

i can't sleep at night
because i am afraid that when i wake up my daughter will have killed herself because she needs help for her mental illness and every time i try to get her help i get smacked down

 the system would rather she was dead than alive and getting help - one less fucked up person to deal with - only this fucked up person is a college graduate with two bachelors degrees

i can't sleep at night
 because my son made an immature stupid mistake and now it's going to affect the rest of his life
he's 18 - EIGHTEEN - his mistake caused no harm to anyone but himself
but still 18 and basically fucked
people do stupid things at 18 and now the system is telling me he's lost his job -for the next 5 years- he needs to work this summer so he can afford go back to college next fall
yeah- my son is not a loser - he's getting a college education so he can be a productive member of society -
 working his way through college so he doesn't end up in debt- oh and by the way make sure you get your selective service form filled out because the system can and will send you away to get murdered on behalf of your country
the system says fuck you  all around

i can't sleep at night because i am so angry
that's how it's going