carry on

it's not the overcast sky
it's not the snow
it's not the cold
i don't know what it is but I can't seem to shake this feeling
this deep deep sadness that colors everything i do in shades of gray
i'm moving in slow motion -standing outside my self looking in
disconnected
so very, very tired
deadlines , people counting on me to deliver
needing me- always needing me
what do i need?
i don't know


this is depression talking
i know the seductive sound of its voice
i know the comfort of its darkness
i know i have to stop this feeling


i know
carry on
keep going
i know

for my son

 

let it go and move on

i love you

words

words have a lot of power
you can use them to create or destroy
words can give you comfort
make you think
make you cry
laugh
smile
frown

this last stay in the hospital for my daughter for her mental illness got me to thinking about words
she expressed a desire to read something each day and to reflect on it- maybe it would help keep her out of the darkness
she suggested the Bible- i don't have anything against the bible but it can be pretty thick and heavy with words and sometimes there are too many words

i went looking for some kind of book i could give her that wasn't all Hallmark card- you know?
i came up empty

maybe i should write my own book

i have been collecting quotes, words of wisdom, passages from books for years. i write them down in a notebook ( i am on my 4th notebook since i started)  now i have a board on Pinterest dedicated to them.

if you are reading this can you take a moment and write down words you use to help you get through a rough patch
words that make you think
get you back on track

here's one of my favorites:

"there is no such thing as a problem

without a gift for you in its hands.

You seek the problems 

because you need

their gifts"

Richard Bach 

 



how's it going Laura?

facebook asks me that everyday

how's it going Laura?
since you asked i'll tell you -even though i know you really don't give a fuck
 but i can pretend you do

i can't sleep at night
because i am afraid that when i wake up my daughter will have killed herself because she needs help for her mental illness and every time i try to get her help i get smacked down

 the system would rather she was dead than alive and getting help - one less fucked up person to deal with - only this fucked up person is a college graduate with two bachelors degrees

i can't sleep at night
 because my son made an immature stupid mistake and now it's going to affect the rest of his life
he's 18 - EIGHTEEN - his mistake caused no harm to anyone but himself
but still 18 and basically fucked
people do stupid things at 18 and now the system is telling me he's lost his job -for the next 5 years- he needs to work this summer so he can afford go back to college next fall
yeah- my son is not a loser - he's getting a college education so he can be a productive member of society -
 working his way through college so he doesn't end up in debt- oh and by the way make sure you get your selective service form filled out because the system can and will send you away to get murdered on behalf of your country
the system says fuck you  all around

i can't sleep at night because i am so angry
that's how it's going

spiritual desert

something is missing from my life. the busier my life gets the farther away i seem to be getting from my spiritual center. i am not a sit in church once a week and listen to someone preach at me kind of person. i am more of a reflective person.
which can be a bad thing when you are depressed. reflect too much on the negatives in your life and you end up falling into the pit.
i need to learn to meditate.
really meditate
i am not sure i have enough self discipline to learn on my own
maybe i do- i haven't tried yet

something to think about

change of habit

i joined a 30 day challenge that my daughter put together for the new year. she is part of Isagenix .
i have used their products before and the results are great and they are lasting results. but i can't seem to make it a habit
i thought being accountable to someone else would help me with my goals- i'm not in it for the money or the prizes i am in it for the habit

yep- i am a creature of habit- as humans we all are and anyone who has developed a habit knows how hard it is to break

for years i bit my nails and yet i would buy nail polish and try and make them look pretty because i think painted nails are kinda sexy and they make me feel good. i conquered that habit - not over night - but in time(years). now i have nails i am proud of and i get them done once a month and it makes me feel GOOD about myself.

feeling good about myself-

lately the voices in my head have been very negative and
VERY LOUD
so loud i can't hear anything else

 your art sucks

you're worthless

you don't do enough

you're fat

and ugly

and unlovable

and

SHUT UP!

i am taking baby steps on changing some habits - no more McDonald's drive thru before work monday - friday - if i feel like it on saturday it's ok
keeping a project threaded on the loom at all times - so far that habit has produced three beautiful scarves
replacing my afternoon cookie craving with some hot cinnamon/honey tea
wearing lipstick because you just can't feel ugly with a little lipstick on

be the change i wish to see