be·nign–adjective

1. having a kindly disposition; gracious: a benign king.
2. showing or expressive of gentleness or kindness: a benign smile.
3. favorable; propitious: a series of benign omens and configurations in the heavens.


twice in my life i have had the word cancer directed at me. the first was about 6 years ago in the form of a lump in my left breast. in the two weeks it took from discovery to biopsy results i experienced a gamut of emotions from worse case to everything is fine....to how could anyone ever accept me as whole if my breast was missing...

the relief was overwhelming when the results came back benign. the gods were indeed smiling on me.

four weeks ago i heard that word again mentioned in reference to me and my body. this one was even more frightening because i really didn't know much about uterine cancer. i was scared and angry. why does cancer want to invade my reproductive organs? i realize i am no longer using them for their intended purposes because i made the decision 16 years ago that 4 kids were enough. even so- i am rather attached to all my organs and i am pretty sure they are all in careful balance with each other.  in other words i might not be using them but my body NEEDS them.

i have several friends who have had hysterectomies and they have said:

"best thing I ever did"
" I don't know why I waited so long"
" if I had it to do over I would have done it sooner"

and i'm thinking- wait a minute- i know i complain a lot about being a girl and dealing with cramps and periods and pms all that wonderful girl stuff

but  - maybe i am odd in my thinking - but i nurtured four new human beings in my uterus. whatever i ate or was exposed to directly affected what was going on in my uterus. i took this job seriously in order to give them the best chance i could to develop into healthy babies. i continued that very important job by nourishing them through breastfeeding until i felt they were ready for other foods....

don't get me wrong- i am not a granola eating, forever breastfeeding all natural earth mother.
i am just a woman. and a huge part of being a woman - for me- has to do with  the reproductive organs- all of them.

so when my surgeon - with his charming smile and pretty blue eyes says so sweetly to me that we'll just remove your uterus and ovaries laparoscopically and you'll be a little uncomfortable for a few days but recovery will be quick and easy unless your results come back positive in which case you have major surgery and we remove everything  and recovery is longer....but still you'll be back to normal....blah,blah,blah....

normal?
i'll be damaged goods.
a broken object with parts of me missing.

it's not like i am perfect to begin with. my body is a road map of my life so far-scars from my appendectomy, c-section, and breast biopsy. i'm a few pounds over weight and i have stretch marks from pregnancies and breastfeeding...all a part of who i am.

and he wants to just remove them like they are nothing.

results: benign

once again the gods have smiled on me.



When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold.

They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful. ~Barbara Bloom

please return as soon as possible

too young

it's father's day again. it seems like it was just father's day but then i am getting old enough where the years seem to merge into each other. i haven't celebrated father's day since 1989. you see my dad died at age 56 in January of 1990. i was only 29 years old. too young. he died too young and i was too young to lose my dad.

my dad was 'kookie' (yes it's a real word)

Adj.

1.

kookie - informal or slang terms for mentally irregular

yep- that was my dad. crooked glasses, goofy grin and all.

he fathered 10 kids- 3 sons and 7 daughters. i am in the middle of the daughters. dad worked hard and put in a lot of hours to make sure there was food on the table and a roof over our heads. i remember the first time dad took all of us girls fishing at the lagoon. last thing mom said to us was "KEEP YOUR SHOES ON!"
 the shoes came off as soon as we got to the waters edge - we were like a herd of cats going off in 6 different directions. Melanie, Cecelia and i were more interested in the tadpoles and catching a frog than fishing, Susan, Jackie and Rosemarie actually put their bamboo poles in the water to fish. at about the same time two shouts went out- Melanie cut her foot and Rosemarie caught a fish.

 fishing trip over....

and then there was the time Melanie and i went golfing with dad- i am not much of a golfer- all i remember about that outing was dad telling me to keep my head down with some exasperation as i hit the 5th ball into the pond....

...and there were the family picnics and the long card rides to see grandma and grandpa after we moved away from Des Moines and trips to see our brother Timmy and moving me to college and the next thing i know he's walking me down the aisle and then he's holding my first born- a daughter and then he was gone....miss you dad. a lot.

coloring outside the lines? YES!

so, officially it's only the second day of summer. the weekend doesn't count. already i have a To-Do list that is pretty long. sometimes i think i should make a "To Don't" list because it would be easier and faster to check the items off.

coloring outside the lines is what i do. it's why i am here in this place at this time. i think we all need a little more outside the lines time in our lives.

can't sleep

Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives. ~William Dement


a friend sent me this quote. it's a good one and tonight because i once again find myself unable to sleep this quote hits home. i like sleeping. let me fine tune that- i like dreaming. some people can't remember their dreams. i do. and tonight i can't turn off my brain and i really want to sleep- perchance to dream....

when i was younger i used to tell myself stories after the lights went out so i could fall asleep. when you share a room with a sibling keeping a light on and reading all night is not an option.

have you ever had a dream that was so real that when you woke up you were not sure what was real and was the dream? those are the best ones. or the dreams where you are flying? soaring above the ground like a kite- diving and swooping? my favorite dream is the garden. i don't remember much about it but the garden is a comforting and safe place. and when i wake up from that dream i feel a sense of loss and i want to go back there.

all you need is LOVE?

love is patient
love is kind
love does not
 
                 boast
                                     envy
                                                  and is not proud
love is not rude
nor is it self seeking
 
love is not easily angered and keeps no record of wrongs
 
love does not delight in evil but
                                        REJOICES with the truth
 
love always
protects
trusts
hopes

and perseveres             

laughing at the sky

perfectly imperfect -that's an oxymoron- you know two words put together that don't quite fit.

perfect  (per·fect)
–adjective
1. conforming absolutely to the description or definition of an ideal type: a perfect sphere; a perfect gentleman.

imperfect (im-per-fect)
-adjective
1. of pertaining to, or characterized by defects of weakness: imperfect vision

so i guess this means that one is being the absolute best at being human (?)

we have all heard "in a perfect world...."
there are perfect numbers
 Bo Derek was considered the perfect 10
you have the perfect couple and the perfect game and the perfect lawyer and the perfect crime and the perfect book and the perfect plan
and you can imagine how all that looks-

but to be imperfect means there is a flaw, a weakness - something less than desirable- it's that flaw that makes us human, makes us ask questions. why? to understand and influence our environment, to explain and manipulate phenomena through science, philosophy, mythology and religion-to make us better or in other words- perfect

in all that seeking and asking and wanting to know we forget to live in the moment and we miss so much

  

“When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky” Buddha