for unto us a child was born

borderline personality disorder (BPD) is complex and  I can only imagine what my daughter who has been recently diagnosed is feeling because I'm feeling pretty lost
and confused
and scared
and guilty
and angry
and sad

I've been reading a lot of books about BPD
how it's often misdiagnosed

when your child is a toddler you think - oh it's a phase -
the terrible twos......
......the awkward tweens........
.................................the rebellious teens....................................................................................

and then one day you look at her and see that she's the same age you were when you got married
and it's not a phase
she didn't out grow the rages, the black and white thinking, the anger

did I do something wrong?
why didn't I get her help sooner?
when I did get her help why didn't they help her?
so many labels have been tossed her way
ADHD
Sensory Integration
Bi-polar
Depression
- only none of them quite fit her and the prescribed/recommended treatments didn't help

the best way I can describe my daughter is  like this

"there was a little girl
who had a little curl
right in the middle of her forehead
when she was good
when was very, very good
but when she was bad she was horrid"

I have had years of unsolicited advice from well intentioned family and friends

"she's just looking for attention"
"she's acting out"
"she's a brat"
followed with "you need to......"

 she isn't a bad person- she has a heart as big as the universe and would give her last penny away to someone in need
she takes on other peoples problems because she wants to help them and ends up getting hurt
she's beautiful
and kind hearted
and loving
and so full of life and feelings
she just feels things differently than everyone else and more intensely

one other thing I am feeling is
HOPE
 this  is not a death sentence
in fact there are many testimonials from people who have been in the emotional roller coaster  hell that is BPD
and with the help of therapy, medication and the love and support of family and friends she can live a fairly even life
it hurts to have to watch her go through what I can only describe as emotional growing pains
there are setbacks-
 she'll stop her meds for whatever reason
or self medicate
or start self destructive behaviors
- like it's a test to see if I still love her- I STILL LOVE HER
There are days when I want to curl in a ball and cry - like I said before I can only imagine how she must be feeling- days when I ask god to give her pain to me because I'm her mom and I can do this because I don't want her to hurt anymore.
I'm strong- take me instead.

that's all

 

 

 

 

 

i am

just

me

the dark side

most people I know who live with mental illness describes it in a way that makes sense to them
my depression is a pit- a large black hole
for a long time it's been so far over there it's barely visible
lately it's been trying to seduce me into coming closer
reminding me how comfortable the dark side is-
 how enveloping-
 how safe-
crawl in here with me.....
 it says with it's soft and sexy voice
like a lover
making promises
.
.
.
.
.
...depression lies

colored bright and sprinkled with glitter

the opposite of depressed is manic
i have been in a manic phase the past few weeks- it doesn't happen often
in fact I can't remember the last time i was manic

i have been painting, knitting, sewing, collaging and creating
i can't turn my brain off
so many ideas are floating in my head

sketched onto papers
roughed out on canvas

pieces of that idea over there
parts of this one over here

the stuff leaning against the wall is important
take that home to have james cut it down

where did I put the______
glue
scissors
pencils
markers
tape
ribbon
brushes
....all of the above

poor james
he has never witnessed this part of my depression
i can't sleep and when i do it's restless and keeps him awake

but i don't want to DO anything to change this manic episode- i am creating such wonderful pieces
right now my world is filled with colors and shapes and textures

and  if i try to fix it and level out again
the creative ideas will stop
and i will just trudge through my gray life again

to my 14 year old self....

i work with a lot of kids on a daily basis
and because my classroom is a relaxed stress free environment i am privy to conversations with kids that most people aren't- things they worry about
the daily drama
the insecurities
if you could go back in time as your are now and give your 10 year old, 14 year old, 17 year old etc... self advice what would it be?

to my 14 year old self: you are an amazing and creative person with too many pictures in your head - start drawing- every day- get those pictures and ideas out onto paper. they don't need to be perfect nor do they need to be finished masterpieces. fill as many books and pads as you can with sketches and ideas - never stop observing and stop apologizing for not being good enough. you are enough of everything and more.

bringing back sexy

i'm not sure or how it happened but somewhere along the way i lost my sexy
before you get all feminist in my face go check the link to the thesaurus on the word sexy ok?
i used to wear fun clothes
and flirty hair
and i had my own style

somewhere along the way i lost it

my oldest best friend's daughter has an online clothing boutique called "Hello Holiday"
wonderful clothing, shoes, accessories.....but one thing bothered me....i got this sense that fun and fashion and style sort of stops after 30

ok so maybe these two women haven't hit 30 yet

and when you are in your 20's a person in their 50's is like OLD as in- your mother's age!

but here i am at 52

inside somewhere buried deep- i'm still 24 and fun

i'm a few pounds and 4 babies bigger than i was at 24 but that
fun
 sexy
 vibrant
person is in there- somewhere

i am coaxing her out - in little bits- two weeks ago i bought some skinny jeans to wear this fall with my brown flat leather boots- nothing too drastic-

today i ordered a pair of shoes to also wear with my skinny jeans and a cute little cardigan sweater to wear over a cami  from Hello Holliday


i know i will have a tummy roll - flat belly will never return
but i don't care!

i'm going to kick up these heels
put my red lipstick on
and go dancing

and bring back my sexy

guilt free- almost

i was spending time on Pinterest and looking at all these DIY projects from up cycled wooden pallets to garden tips to making environmentally friends cleaning supplies
it was exhausting
yes ~ i should plant a garden- home grown produce would be much better for me
i should make my own cleaning supplies because it's better for everyone
and recycle
and up cycle
and ...
it all makes me feel guilty
guilt is a great motivator - at least that's what i've been told-  and the nuns tried really hard to play the guilt card every chance they got
i do recycle- to the point of being militant about it
i do up cycle- walk into the studio and there is quite a stash of materials ready to be up-cycled into something new
about the gardening- there just aren't enough hours in the day for me-
so it's farmers market for me this summer- I will be there selling bracelets for JDRF for my granddaughter Norah who has type 1 diabetes
and while i'm there i will buy fresh produce - that's ok right? instead of growing it myself